(Closed) Baby but no ring???

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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notwaitingforever :  no. He is all over the place, he is lying and covering up just enough to offer you a scrap of a lie to cling to. But the bottom line, even if his lies were true, his actions scream disrespect for you and your feelings. 

Sometimes people need a kick in the pants to wake up, but you can’t kick him out hoping he sees the error of his ways. You need to be sure you know you’re worth more than this, and insist on it.

if you marry him like this, if you do all of the work to get engaged and then have a wedding for his family instead of the elopement you want, you’re just being a doormat. 

Stand up for yourself. Don’t give him his way on everything, including disrespecting you, or this will be the way you are treated by him your entire marriage. If you’re sick of it now, imagine when he doesn’t read emails or come home for important events for your kids or you five years down the road. 

 

Post # 18
Member
2852 posts
Sugar bee

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BalletParker :  So much this.OP–men are really rather simple. Ifhe wants to marry you he will make it happen rather than coming up with half assed excues as to why he hasn’t.

Post # 19
Member
10486 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I would say “Okay, let’s go to the courthouse Tuesday and get legally married.”

If he won’t go then you have your answer. You don’t need a ring or proposal to be married, just two willing people.

Post # 20
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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slomotion :  agree!

Tell him you’re going to courthouse Tuesday to get married.  If he won’t do it/makes excuses/claims wants a wedding/money/rings/blah blah blah then you will absolutely know 

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notwaitingforever :  he doesn’t want to marry you. If you’re still single Wednesday and yet choose to stay,  then it will then be on you. Come back Wed and let us know if you’re still a gf/baby mamma, or a wife. 

Post # 21
Member
3865 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I think generally when you get to the point of “marry me or I’m leaving you”, it’s usually just best to leave. You’ll never know if he married you just to keep you from walking or if he genuinely wanted you to be his wife. 

It’s just not that hard. Two people who want to get married will find a way to get married. He’s had years to sort this out, knowing your walk date was coming up, and he did nothing. Even now he isn’t making plans to get married, he’s “making plans to buy a ring”, but “rings are stupid and you guys don’t need them”, and “it’s like you guys are married already anyway”. He’s throwing excuses at you to see what will stick and give him the most time before you walk. 

This is the problem with ultimatums, because if the walk date arrives and you don’t walk, it just becomes a bluff and your ultimatum was ultimately meaningless and he’ll shrug it off like everything else.

Post # 22
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PP who mentioned that a kid is a much larger commitment than a marriage. You mentioned that he didn’t show up for your baby shower, other than the engagement issue is he an involved partner and father? Does he cherish you and treat you well and do what he says? If so, then I would go get married at the courthouse this week. I get that you want something romantic and dreamy but maybe that’s just not your guy? Once married you two could pick out a ring together and maybe do a vow renewal ceremony on your 1 year anniversary or something. I don’t agree that you should just settle for not being married if you love him. My husband didn’t care one way or the other about being married, he said he felt just as committed either way, but marriage was important to me so it became important to him. Honestly a guy who continuously disregards your feelings and wishes and basically lies about things doesn’t sound like the guy for you, but it’s hard to tell who he is as a person from a post on the internet. 

Post # 23
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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notwaitingforever :  Sigh… I hear so many of these stories these days. Women in long-term relationships with children but no ring or proposal in sight. I just don’t get it. A man will take everything from a woman but refuse to give her the one thing that she needs the most. Security and commitment. I know that pregnancies are sometimes surprises but more and more these days women are having families with men with the notion that marriage will happen later. To those ladies. Don’t do it! It is okay to be with a man who doesn’t want to be married. But it is not okay to have children with a man who doesn’t want to marry you. Espeically if you want marriage and he is being a lazy prick.

Post # 24
Member
33 posts
Newbee

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emmabird :  πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»

This. Relationships are all about forming a life together. Whether that includes marriage and/or children or not should be the choice of BOTH partners. But regardless, making a child together is synonymous with being permanently tied to each other. Even if you aren’t married, don’t live together, or don’t speak at all, you cannot erase that connection. And if the parents of that child are committed to each other, why the delay with getting married? What does marriage mean that having a child together doesn’t?

Post # 25
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

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annalisarose :  Marriage brings rights and security that a regular relationship does not. If something happens to either one of them, the rights of the other person would legally be covered. Besides, he seems he knows how to make clear that she is only his girlfriend when he is out with associates. 

Post # 26
Member
7887 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He doesn’t want to get married. He does want to say whatever to get you to stay. He doesn’t sound trustworthy. Move on. You don’t want to get in a situation where you two have another baby and still are not married. 

Post # 28
Member
2798 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

YOU’RE a liar?  Honey, leave him now, you’re better off without him.

Post # 29
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee

Your update is illuminating, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Often, people who are cheating/have cheated will project that onto their significant others. My guess is he’s making these accusations with foundings in his own guilt.

Regardless, he doesn’t want to marry you. If he wanted to, he would have, and wouldn’t have had a zillion excuses not to. You gave him an ultimatum; he passed that deadline. Please respect yourself and your child enough to walk. 

Post # 30
Member
33 posts
Newbee

I hope that your next update will be that you’ve moved out and are not even talking to him, unless you need to for the baby’s sake!

First he toys with you and then once you decide to go through with leaving, he accuses you of cheating? I agree with farmfreshjoy; HE very well may be cheating on you. You said he’s been acting more confident and cocky since he got this job AND he makes sure to refer to you as the “girlfriend” at work; could be a female there that he’s eying or has already started something with, hence the good feelings about himself and the need to downplay your relationship in front of his coworkers

If you haven’t left yet, I hope you will. I was going to suggest you tell him that if he wants you back, he needs to have a ring in-hand next time you meet or no-dice. But now, I say eff it; it’s time to move on.

And for what it’s worth, I want to add that children are resilient. Yes, we’ve all heard of people who are messed up because their parents split up, but (1) Since she’s only one, it’s not likely to be that big of a deal to her; she probably won’t even remember this time in her life. (2) It’s just as bad to raise a child in a bad environment. I know at least as many people who are messed up because their parents stayed together “for the child(ren)”, but all they knew was fighting and fear. Is that how you want your daughter to grow up? Thinking that this is how “relationships” should be? That it’s ok to take mental, psychological, and mental abuse from men? No. Then don’t let her grow up around that. 

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