Baby Fever Advice

posted 3 months ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

Have you ever worked as a nanny or in a daycare? From working with kids over 10 years, it eventually completely eliminated any interest I had in having kids (maybe too much since I eventually decided I didn’t want kids at all and got sterilized two years ago). Especially if your friends don’t have kids, and you’re not around them a ton, it’s very easy to romanticize having a child. 

I can definitely understand wanting to be young and having energy for your kids, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting kids at this age even though you could easily wait a decade to have them and still not even be considered advanced maternal age. I think the important thing to keep in mind is that, if you have kids before your husband is also ready, it could very easily lead to resentment of you, the child, or both. You mentioned that if you accidentally got pregnant, he would probably be excited, but I think you should be very careful in assuming that, and I do hope you are using a reliable form of birth control. 

Until he is ready, I would recommend spending some time with kids- get a part-time nanny job, volunteer as a Big Sister, if you go to church, help out at the churches nursery room, etc. Where I live, the local children’s hospital has a volunteer position for baby snugglers since the babies need physical contact but the nurses can only spend so much time with them. That might be something to look into as well. You can also take this time to learn as much as you can about pregnancy and childbirth. The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy is a quick and easy read and gives a pretty realistic view of how pregnancy is. Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth is also an interesting read. And I also recommend Birth: the Surprising History of How We Are Born by Tina Cassidy. Taking Charge of Your Fertility is another one that would be good so that when the time comes, you have a solid idea how your body works and how to get pregnant (since it doesn’t always happen quickly or easily). 

Post # 3
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, you need to take a step back here. Your husband doesn’t want to have kids right now. He didn’t get a real childhood, you acknowledge that, yet you want to make him a dad in a few months?

Both of you need to be totally on board here. Stop talking about babies. Just don’t do it. You obviously are bringing up this topic often, and are ignoring your husband’s feelings. I feel for your husband here.

Of course babies don’t end up your life, but they change everything. I started in my late twenties and knocked out 4 kids in less than 6 years, but so much of it is honestly a blur. I joke about having PTSD from not sleeping through the night for 6 years. My husband spent lots of time in the guest room so he could get a good night’s sleep. All of our babies were colicky, and I remember my husband spending most evenings walking a baby in circles around the house to calm them. 

In my early twenties I was enjoying freedom, travel, learning how to be an adult. And I screwed up a lot, but the only person that affected was me. When my husband and I started dating we loved going to expensive restaurants, going away for the weekend, enjoying each other. That all changed when you add kids into the family unit.

Like notkhaleesi said, volunteer at a church nursery, babysit, do something. BUt stop badgering your husband about babies.

Post # 6
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

It sounds like you’ve thought a lot about what kids would mean for YOUR life, but not for your husband’s life, or even your shared life together. What are his goals? Does he want to travel? Build up his career? Just go out late and sleep in on weekends like any other 20-something? All of those feelings are valid. Also, I’m not sure if you’re expecting him to be the breadwinner and you stay home with kids. That’s a lot to put on someone at a young age–especially given his history. I think you really, really need to back off and stop talking about kids with him for a while, and really try to listen to his wants and needs. That’s part of being life partners.

Post # 7
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would work on finding something else to put your energy into.

My husband and I are planning on TTC in summer 2020. In all honesty, if it were solely my decision I would move that up a year to this summer. But I want him to be just as ready as I am so I’ll wait.

To help give me other things to focus on I signed up for a half-marathon in September. Focusing on training has been really helpful with any baby fever I had (I will admit to never having crazy intense baby fever though). As a plus, it’s great for my health and will help me go into TTC and pregnancy healthy and fit.

Maybe you and your husband should sit down and make a bucket list of all the things you’d both like to do (together or separately) before having kids. It just gives you other goals and things to look forward to and focus on.

Post # 8
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

likethehurricane :  I was an “old soul.”  My friends, family, even teachers used to joke that I’d been “35 since I was 16.”  When I actually turned 35, it was painfully obvious how immature I still was at 22.  

I worry any time I see a young woman whose only real ambition is motherhood.  (Are you hoping to make some kind of living as a “writer?” Because if that’s only a hobby job and motherhood is the real deal, you won’t. Period.) I worry especially because I’ve seen it happen where that’s the only dream a young woman has, and then things happen which make it impossible for them to have kids, and then there’s just nothing.  It happened with a friend of mine: that’s all she ever wanted. She and her husband were infertile.  They finally adopted in their late 30s, but in the meantime she had to widen out her view of what her life could and should be, and how she’d find fulfillment in it.  If you worked on that now, and had an identity outside of motherhood, you’ll be a better mom in the long run. 

And a first baby at, say, 25 would still make you a young mom.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

likethehurricane :  I get it because I’m a young mom too, was 23 when we started TTC and 25 when DS was born. Plus I had to take meds to help me ovulate, and during our time TTC I had 7+ friends get pregnant without trying. So I understand the intense longing and how hard t can be.  But honestly no amount of babysitting can prepare you for the total change of having your own. I am so thankful for my son, but I’m also thankful I finished my masters degree, went on a dream honeymoon with D.H., and started a PhD program before he was born. If I had him earlier, I probably wouldn’t have done any of that.

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders about some of the practicalities, but it might help to think about other things like cost. We had a lot of things that we didn’t plan for, like formula feeding and him being too tiny for the first 2 months for the cloth diapers we had purchased. Plus daycare is crazy expensive. If you look at your budget (alone, so you don’t pressure or stress out your husband) and think about what current spending would need to be cut in order to have a baby that might help convince the logical part of your brain that waiting is okay. Also nothing can prepare you for the total exhaustion and the lack of spontaneity, even if you have an “easy” baby. Just the logistics of getting a kid out the door makes it difficult to do things without a lot of planning. 

Also I would try not to bring it up to your husband for another year if you can. Having a baby is hard on any marriage, especially in the early days. If you have one before he is totally ready you’re setting yourself up for resentment and lots of stress on your part. Focus on doing things that you really want to do, and a year will fly by. If you’re graduating in May, can you look for a job that allows you to fulfill a dream of publishing a piece of your writing? I’m an academic and I can tell you trying to write with a baby around is HARD. Can you plan a trip somewhere you’ve both always wanted to go? Of course you can travel with most kids, but it’s a totally different experience than going just with your partner. Is there any skill or hobby you’ve wanted to try for a while? Take a class or learn on your own. If you focus on things that can enrich your life now, getting over baby fever will be much easier. 

Post # 10
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

likethehurricane :  As someone who is young, married and currently pregnant, I would just like to share my experience with you. 

I had ‘older’ parents, and unfortunately both of them passed away when I was still young. This is part of the reason why I always yearned to become a mom and get to experience that kind of love because I always felt like I missed out on having maternal love especially.  

I was adopted and lived a very sheltered life, and only since getting married have I really started to experience ‘life’, going out, travelling with my husband etc. However, at some point we decided that we wanted to have a baby and actively tried for one cycle. When it didn’t happen, and amongst the discussion of what we really wanted to do going forward in our lives, we discussed the possibility of relocating to another country and decided to push having children to a few years from now. 

Our plans were in place, we had been in contact with prospective work opportunities in the country we were looking at moving to, when I fell pregnant, partly because we weren’t being as careful as we should have been (don’t ever trust withdrawal) and I had been looking to get an IUD inserted at the start of my next cycle so wasn’t on any other birth control at that point. 

It was a shock, it stopped our plans in their tracks and made us completely re-evaluate things. It’s one thing to talk about ‘prospective children’, it’s a competely different thing when you’re already pregnant and it’s now going to be a reality. I was hit with how young I am, how my life was to going to change completely, it was no longer about what we wanted for ourselves but now about what was best for our future child. It’s a sacrifice. 

I am now really happy to actually be pregnant and realise how blessed I am considering there are many woman who try but take extremely long to fall pregnant, especially after seeing my baby on an ultrasound. But with saying that, I am really scared about giving up my life and plans for the future as it stood before falling pregnant. I realise now how much time I actually had to fall pregnant, and in the grand scheme of things kids are in your life (hopefully) until you die, what’s another 2 to 6 years before bringing them into the world? 

 

Post # 11
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

likethehurricane :  

I was responding to what you wrote. You said, “ I try to balance my discussions of babies with staying quiet so he doesn’t feel like I’m pushing. I try to show him I’m being positive.”

If he said he’s not ready, then he’s not ready. You said you broke down about it. You’re still having (balanced) discussions about babies. That’s why I said you need to stop. This is a the biggest decision you make. Bigger than getting married. Do not pressure him or emotionally manipulate him into being a parent before he’s ready.

Adopt a puppy or something. They’ll keep you up all night and prevent you from spontaneous trips or crazy kitchen sex. Maybe that’s just me, I never like my dog staring at me like a voyeur.

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