- 3 months ago
- Wedding: June 2017 - City, State
Hi, friends- buckle up because this is probably going to be a long one.
I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. I knew I also wanted a career as a writer, but ultimately my priority is kids. My husband and I discussed this on our first date (as 16-year-olds) because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want kids. Good news is he loves kids, is amazing with them, and the rest is history.
For the past year this longing in my heart has gotten so heavy. We have always agreed that we wouldn’t have kids until after I graduated university. I’m graduating in May and boy do I feel it. I am so so ready to start my family.
I don’t want to leave any of you thinking this is a run-of-the-mill month or so of baby fever. This has been going on for well over a year. I don’t feel as if I’m wanting this blindly; I have a ton of experience with babies and children and I’ve logically thought about it in terms of my own life and what that would look like. I know I’m still young (22) and in this era I have plenty of time. But I want to be a young mom, I want my kids to know their great-grandparents and my brother who has cancer. I am all about planning, but I also know that time is precious and we shouldn’t always assume we have all the time in the world.
Anyway, my husband isn’t ready. Or at least, he can’t imagine himself being ready right now. A few months ago we had a long talk after I broke down about it. He told me that he feels like he needs time to do what he wants and what we want. He says that he can’t picture it right now because this is the first time he’s felt fully himself. I can’t argue with that- he never got to be a teenager because his dad wasn’t in the picture and he had to work to take care of his family since his mom was insanely depressed. Again, I want to make it clear that I completely understand and respect his reasoning in not feeling ready.
But… it doesn’t make it easier on my end. I KNOW he’ll be an amazing dad. I know that if it happened somehow by accident he would be excited. And to me, kids aren’t the end of our world or the end of us being who we are. To me, kids are the beginning. It’s what I’ve always known I was MEANT to do. So in a way, it feels like I’m so close to my “destiny” but I just have to wait on him to catch up.
I don’t have a certain time to look forward to, because he says he doesn’t know when he’ll feel ready. We aren’t particularly surrounded by babies (both of his friends who have kids didn’t exactly jump into the dad thing with open arms). My hope is that when we move in May he will feel more settled and okay with trying.
All of this to say… I need your advice. I’ve done everything I can think of to ease this ache in me whenever I see a baby. For a month or so after our conversation I thought I was a little better. Lately it’s come back with a vengeance.
I pray about it a lot. I pray that his heart will soften and he will feel ready soon. I try to balance my discussions of babies with staying quiet so he doesn’t feel like I’m pushing. I try to show him I’m being positive. But it’s exhausting.
If you have any experience with this, or advice on what I should do it would be greatly appreciated.