Baby Fever Advice

posted 7 months ago in Babies
Post # 16
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

likethehurricane :  I notice the only person you didn’t reply to was the one asking if you are planning to stay home and expect your just-out-of-college husband to be a sole breadwinner for a family of three or more.  

My daughter is almost one. She is *expensive* (and adorable, and the light of our lives). As in, not-a-bad-idea-to-have-put-some-time-into-developing-your-career-first expensive. And we’re-okay-as-long-as-we’re-both-working expensive (and note: we don’t even pay for childcare. We have two flexible work schedules, so we trade off). And speaking as someone whose dreamed of being a published author, I’m glad I got my first book out before she came along. It’s very hard to get real writing time these days.

Frankly, you’re not coming off as especially mature for your age. It’s not time yet, so you need to focus on something else right now. That’s the mature thing to do, not wallowing in baby fever.

Post # 17
Member
9543 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My husband wouldn’t have given me a timeline at 22 either. We are 28/29 now. At 22 we were just having a blast living our kid-free life. 

likethehurricane :  

Post # 18
Member
7862 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You are really, really young bee…you can get pregnant five years from now and still qualify as a “young mom.” Also, for what it’s worth, there are advantages to being a young mom, and there are also distinct advantages to being older. I have friends who did it both ways and no one I know regrets their choice. The young moms are happy they got it out of the way young, while the older ones are happy they got to have more life experiences in their 20s without being shackled down by the endless cycle of sleepless nights and diaper changes. I had my first three months ago at 33 and I think that was the perfect age for me, fwiw. My point is, you may feel completely ready right now, but if you wait a few more years, I bet you’ll wind up feeling that was the perfect time for you and be glad you waited.

At the end of the day, whether you have your kids at 22, 30, or 40, you will still experience the joy of motherhood – your age is not going to taint your experience. And while your desire to have the great grandparents and your sick brother enjoy years of knowing your hypothetical children, that wish isn’t more important than your husband’s desire to wait awhile so he can live more freely now, especially since he didn’t have that experience as a teenager.

Post # 19
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think the main thing about having kids is that it will change everything about your life. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it means you need to both really be ready. 

I was ready for kids before my husband, if it was up to me we would have a couple already, but his deal was we could have a serious discussion about the timing of kids when he was 30 (when I was 27. We have been together since I was 18, to give you some scale). Some medical issues pushed us back a touch, but we now have an almost 8 month old who was born when I was 28. And honestly, despite wanting kids for years and desperately wanting one for the last year or so before pregnancy, it was been a difficult adjustment for me. I’m not trying to discourage you, but if it helps to control the baby fever then I thought I’d share that it can still be really really hard even if you want it really badly (I was super anxious near the end of pregnancy, Baby was in NICU for a couple weeks, then I just had a hard time being home alone, then sleep regression from 3-6 months, and even now things are going well it’s hard to have to be home by like 6 every day for bedtime, etc) 

Luckily, by the time we had a baby, my husband was 100% ready and he has actually been the greatest dad/support. Based on how difficult I found the transition to motherhood, I just can’t picture doing it (willingly) without a partner who is fully on board and willing to help at night/let me take off for breaks on the weekend etc but instead was maybe mildly resentful or not overly helpful. 

Good luck fighting the fever, other posters have had good ideas with travel/new hobbies etc. You don’t get much time to yourself (at least at first) as a new mom. 

Post # 20
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

My advice is travel a lot, save for a house and enjoy each other’s companies . Then reassess in 5 years. You’re both still young .

Oh and firstly start a career. You know the one you studied for

Post # 21
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well there’s not a lot you can do given your husband isn’t on board right now so turn the negatives into positives and look at your free time as the opportunity to do all the stuff children restrict you from doing. 

 

ETA I also agree with missviolet92 you should also try and establish your career. You don’t know what the future holds and you may have to fall back on a career sooner rather than later so perhaps it’s better to work on this now. Sorry don’t wish to sound negative just being a realist 

Post # 22
Member
6343 posts
Bee Keeper

Approach this the way you should approach any other goal–work through the steps you need to take to make certain that you are both financially and emotionally ready for this change in your lives and relationship and make a plan.

-Graduate.

-Get a job.

-Do you your homework on cost of living, including home cost, day care costs, and early childhood education/schools. Make a budget. Include savings.

-With your husband plan how much you will need to have in savings and what other goals you may hope to achieve before becoming parents, including home ownership.

-Also discuss and plan for any experiences you would like to have before parenthood, including travel. It’s easy to believe parenthood won’t change your life. Every single parent will tell you otherwise. 

Don’t let your hormones rule your life. Be smart and plan a solid future with your husband. “It will all work out” is not a plan. Knowing that you are working toward where you need to be to be with a strong financial foundation, solid in your relationship and ready to be good parents is a plan. 

Post # 23
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

likethehurricane :  I definitely understand the frailty of life, my mom passed away at 48 when I was 6 and my dad 4 years later at 52 when I was 10, they were older parents, but relatively ‘young’ people, this is also why I wanted to have kids younger. 

You’re 22 and like you said, your husband had a tough time in his teens, growing up in a sheltered household now makes me realise how much more there is to experience out there, and your husband probably feels the same coming from such a tough background and having to be mature and independent and have so much responsibility on him at such a young age. 

As a previous poster mentioned, you don’t want to force him into having a child when he’s not completely ready as that will result in resentment, you want your child to grow up in a house where they know they are loved and wanted, which I know they will be by both you and your husband when you do eventually have kids. 

Post # 25
Member
807 posts
Busy bee

It seems you quite obviously know exactly what you should expect with parenthood. I don’t think you’re naive for wanting kids while young, you’re the maternal type and it’s just natural for you, there’s nothing wrong with that. I know quite a few women who adore kids to no end; they start having them at 20, and 5 kids later still want more. That may be difficult for most people to relate with, though. 

Anyway, as a new parent myself, my advice is also to just take advantage of what you can’t do with a baby. Try new hobbies, volunteer, travel, start a project…while those are all things you could theoretically still do with a baby, your time and focus won’t be as fluid as it is now. I don’t regret the timing when I had my LO, but ocassionally I’ll think “I wish I had more time to work on that project/craft/etc” or “I wish Darling Husband and I could go on a solo date”,  but above all, “I wish I could sleep in today!”…hobbies and whatnot are seldom touched when my free time has to be spent on chores. So if I could go back to before I had children, I definitely wouldn’t take the small things like that for granted. Perhaps focusing on not having time/attention restrictions and trying to find ways to take advantage of your “freedom” can help distract you. Maybe working with children some more can help ease your appetite a bit? I’m sure sharing adventures and hobbies with your SO might help ease his FOMO and hopefully warm him up to wanting kids in the near future 🙂 

Post # 26
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oh bee, I am in the heart-achingly strong baby fever boat with you. I am significantly older than you, but have also been with my partner since we were quite young (age 18 and we are both now 30) and have wanted children for as long as I can remember. I also have been a fullitme nanny, and now one of the elements of my career is being an early childhood music teacher and I get to work with the 0-5 year old nuggets, and every day I hold my littles my heart aches for a baby of my own. I am on a journey of getting off several medications before we can safely TTC, but I totally understand how incredibly hard it is to distract yourself when you start to feel less like you want to become a mother, and more like you are already a mother who is waiting for your baby. My sincere advice to you is to THROW yourself at your career. I am not a writer but I am a full-time freelancing artist and it is HARD. It has taken me close to a decade to get established in my feild and build up enough work to be able to save money and afford children. And just as importantly, to make myself indespenible in my gigs so that I won’t lose them when I step back for awhile to have a baby. Investing in building your career and your sense of self now is the ultimate gift to your future children. Let yourself really dream about where writing will take you and CHASE it. Sending you warm thoughts as you navigate these feelings! 

Post # 27
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You are so young. Waiting a few years won’t make you any less young. My baby will have their great grandparents and I will also be a “younger” mom at 28. 

Travel, get a career, and enjoy life with your husband while you can. A baby will change everything. They are hard work. At your age, I was also very mature but I still had tons of growing and evolving to do as does everyone. Waiting 3-4 years to establish your life will not make a huge difference but will make you amazing memories of great adventures. Adventures that you can one day share with your child/ren and teach them how to successfully approach life. 

Baby fever is hard but squash it with some other activities. Like a PP said, a marathon, or a new hobby, or book some cool travel spots. Plan goals and accomplish them so that when you do have a baby, you will be ready. 

Post # 28
Member
9673 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Adopt a puppy. Or six.

Post # 29
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

I hear you.

 

Ever since I was 15 years old I KNEW I wanted to be a mum, be a parent and it’s what i’ve yearned for the last 10 years.
I unfortunately have NOT been lucky with love.

I am 25 now, and wish wish wish I was ready in my life to be having a child, every day I deam about it.
My sister (22) has just fallen pregnant (surprise) and I couldn’t beleive the envy, BUT I also know i’m not ready, so I can’t force the point.

I now am on my way down the path to children and I am wanting to try before I hit 30 as I have known fertility issues.

I find myself a little stuck as I have a very estabished and important career that I am set with for life, so theres nothing to do/work on there…
So i just suffer in silence but knowing there are others right there with me helps a lot.

I don’t really have any advice because i’m also going through the same feelings, but I’m still waiting on a proposal & wedding before even trying.

I’m planning on a second puppy VERY soon to distract me, but I think my SO knows that as soon as we tie the knot we will be TTC and so he’s putting off all of that until he’s ready (31 now – 35 is when he says he will be ready)

Post # 30
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

likethehurricane :  I was concerned you skipped it (and anything to do with the cost of babies, especially on one income) because it’s inconvenient. 

But if I could give you any piece of advice, it’s this: don’t use the “I’m just going to stay home anyway” as an excuse to treat your career as a hobby or an afterthought.  You have no idea what the future holds. Life doesn’t always work out according to the master plan. Get yourself in a position where you have options.

And I think any amount of “I just need to talk about how much I want babies” right now is immature. It’s not time yet. Move on and revisit in a year or more.

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