Post # 1
First post and I would appreciate lots of advice. So I am 28 years old and in a relationship with a wonderful man for almost a year. He is very responsible, dependable and I love him very much. Our relationship hit a very rough patch a few months ago, we broke up very briefly and after we reunited my feelings for him were very much solidified and I began to really think that he might be “the one”. We have discussed the idea of marriage and children before and we both want kids. I am definitely feeling like I am ready to have kids. I have felt this way for probably a year or so. I grew up in a very large family and have a lot of experience with babies (three of my younger siblings had terrible colic) so even though I know you dont know until you have your own, the idea of caring for a baby doesnt intimidate me as much as it might others since I have experience with my much younger siblings. My worries are this, I grew up with a terrible mother. While we have since reconciled, I am terrified that I will be the kind of mother to my kids (daughters especially) that my mom was to my siblings and I. I am terrified that my kids will ultimately carry around the hatred (as hard as that is for me to admit and I struggle with it) I have for my mother and I know my siblings do to. I also do not under any circumstance want to raise my kids in a divorced home. But I feel like I am really getting to that point where I’m ready to make this step-I got allllllll my partying out of my system in my early-mid 20s and am ready for that domesticity. How should I bring this up to my boyfriend? And what are your thoughts on dealing with my feelings towards my mother in regards to my own journey into motherhood? Thanks so much for your time.
Post # 2
You don’t. You Wait. You admit your relationship is rocky, you’ve already broken up once. Just wait. Being a single mother sucks, don’t have a baby with him yet, babies are a huge stressor on an already rocky relationship
Post # 3
Have you been to therapy to deal with what your mother put you through? You won’t be your mother if you break the cycle.
As for your boyfriend, do you know if he wants kids? Just ask what his thoughts are, but I would build a more solid relationship before thinking of kids, things were rocky only a few months ago.
Post # 4
Thank you both for your responses and insight! And no I havent been to therapy, but I’ve been considering it.
Post # 5
Honestly, it sounds like you should wait if you want a stable environment. Either you wait until you are in a good place with your current boyfriend, or you break up if it can’t ever be in a good place and find a more stable relationship.
As far as addressing the issue with your mother… Therapy. It will help so much to talk it out.
Post # 6
Don’t have babies with some dude you have barely been with a year and have already broke up with once. I don’t say that to be harsh, I say it to be realistic. Wait until you’ve left the honeymoon phase and spent some significant time together and really let your relationship get some legs.
If marriage is important to you I would wait until that milestone has been met to think about children, but again, I would really really feel out this relationship before any big commitments like marriage/children. You want to have a strong stable foundation for your child, you owe it to them to really spend some time working on that foundation and making it as sturdy as possible before bringing them into the world.
Post # 7
Therapy would be an excellent tool to work through all of your anger towards your mother. If you work through it and let go of the anger, you kids won’t pick up on any of it. You can also protect them from her if you feel the need to, if you feel that she would be damaging to them in any way, you don’t have to have her in their lives.
I still think you should focus on your own healing and your relationship first, before thinking of babies.
Post # 8
Very true, thank you! I like straight shooters 🙂
Post # 9
Therapy can work wonders, but only if you find the right therapist. So don’t give up if you don’t think your first therapist is helpful, keep at it. And honestly, I’m so sorry to say this but I don’t think this is a good time to have a child and I don’t think your relationship is stable enough at this point.
Post # 10
Therapy helps some people and others do just fine without it. But in my opinion your relationship is not ready for a baby. You’ve been together 1 year and spent part of that year broken up. Wait a year and see where you are. Also, I believe it’s not a great idea to have kids before marriage. Yes, a lot of people do it, but that doesn’t make it sensible.
Please no comments from the peanut gallery. I’m well aware that women these days have kids without the benefit of marriage. I just happen to think it’s not smart for reasons that have nothing to do with morality.
Post # 11
Wait until marriage and give your kids the stability that brings.
Post # 12
Babies are hard and will test the most stable relationships. I really don’t think anything prepares you for your own baby. You should wait.
Post # 13
No no no. Your relationship is on/off and unstable, you’ve been together for less than a year, and you’re still in your 20s. This is asking for major trouble. What’s the rush? Wait to see if this relationship even pans out first.
Also, therapy could really help with some of your fears stemming from your upbringing. I know a lot of people who had bad childhoods and are wonderful parents because they know what they DON’T want to do. I’m sure you’ll be a great mom! Just be sure to be smart and wait until you know you’re bringing a child into a stable, loving, STABLE environment. Stability is so important for kids.
Post # 14
You aren’t ready to have a baby- no one really is until they’re doing it. So that just is what it is.
In terms of your relationship- it’s great that your commitment to this person is renewed after your separation. You still don’t really know him, though. You haven’t even been in a relationship for 365 days; you are definitely NOT ready to commit to creating an entire new human with him.
Post # 15
I halfway stopped reading at “for almost a year” and 100% stopped at “very rough patch.” No.