Post # 1
Sorry, this will be a long post…
Without going into my whole life story, here’s a little context. We have 5 year old boy-girl twins. By everyone else’s standards, we have a perfect complete family and we should stop here. After my kids were born I didn’t go back to work. Hubby has been providing for us all along. We got married a little over a year ago and while we did have a small wedding, it still cost a pretty penny. Needless to say, our finances became very tight. Credit card debt crept up. Now that my kids are ready to start school, I’m looking to go back to work part time until they settle in nicely and then I can go full time.
Anyway, finances are tight but we are expecting a rather large sum of financial aid from a family member which would ease a very big portion, if not all, of our debt (mortgage aside obviously).
For the past 2 years I have had such an intense yearning for another child, a sibling for our kids. My husband wasn’t on board for the longest time because our finances are a mess. I understand completely and rationally I agree with him. But my heart won’t let go… it’s like I KNOW it’s meant to be. He has recently come around and agreed to start trying but only once we have a bigger house. I don’t see that happening any time soon… I’m 33 and I don’t want to have another child after I’m 37, also the age gap would already be pretty large.
So many unknowns, but my heart and soul persist over my rational side. It’s all I think about… any advice? Please be kind, my heart already hurts.
Post # 2
So I don’t have any children yet (currently TTC) but after reading your post I had two thoughts. One, do you think this yearning for another baby is coming from a different place? Like you’re scared about your life changing and going back into the workforce and not being with your kids all day and that is prompting the desire for another child to get you back to your comfortable place? Not that you don’t actually want a 3<sup>rd</sup> but you being so consumed by this desire makes me think that it’s possibly more than you wanting another child and sibling for your kids. If you’re sure that’s not it, could you clean up your finances now and prove to your husband that you two can exist within or under your means and then that will kind of remove the stop gap for you two to have another child? I’m not sure if you’ve heard of Dave Ramsey but he may be super beneficial for you two (I’m a huge fan). Good luck bee!
Post # 3
That would be a very hard position to be in but I know personally I would feel very weird bringing another child into this world after receiving large amount of financial aid from family etc. or being on any financial aid at all.
Post # 4
melienstuey : I wouldn’t do it. Your kids already have a sibling. There’s no way to know if they want another or how they will react to having one. Even if they say they do, they’re 5. Kids say they want a puppy or a fish all the time and then 3 days later, they’re done with it. Also, your husband is not on board. You know this in your heart. Finally, how is this generous family member going to feel when they realize they helped you out of the tough situation you put yourself in, and now you’re deliberately putting yourself right back there? Not that other people’s opinion should usually factor into a decision like this, but in your case it seems like just one more factor pointing to “bad idea.” If you did go on for #3, would you still go back to work, or would you stay home again? If the idea is to stay home, how would you keep yourself from going back into debt, especially if you’re in a bigger house which would presumably be more expensive?
Post # 5
The family member who is helping us out knows about us wanting another child. My husband is on board, he just doesn’t want to get into worse debt, and I agree with him there.
I want to be responsible by getting rid of our debt and I do want to get back to work, if nothing else, for my sanity. I loved my time with my kids and yes I am sad that that will be coming to an end in the Fall. Part of me does sort of feel that this may be part of this feeling… but this has been happening for years now. I’ve tried to ignore it. I worked a few part time temp jobs just to take my mind off it, but it always comes back to this same feeling.
I feel eel in my hear that we are not done growing our family. But I know it’s irresponsible given our situation.
How do you close your heart to this? How do you move on from this? I don’t want us to have any regrets.
Post # 6
melienstuey : Focus on the family that you have and be grateful for it. This is what my parents did.
As a twin I can honestly say I’m grateful my parents didn’t have a 3rd child when we went off to school like they wanted to. We didn’t need another sibling when we always had each other. I also think that the third child would have been the odd one out honestly.
My parents really wanted a third child, but came to accept that the finances were in the way. And so they made the responsible decision to move on because it wasn’t practical.
My mom went back to school, finished her education, focused on her career, and brought our family to financial stability…which helped us the most in the long run. Honestly, this changed our lives, it increased our stability and is what allowed us kids to succeed in the long run. This would not have been the case if my parents had had another child because my mom would have continued staying home instead of focusing on her career after we started going to school.
My mom is happy and if you ask her about it these days says that maybe it wasn’t God’s plan for her to have three children, but she is grateful to have her “beautiful” twins.
Post # 7
melienstuey : I think five years will be a big age gap as it is, and since your finances are not completely in order, that could add another year or two. which means 7 years if you don’t conceive right away, or you do and can’t start right away.
And your children have a sibling, themselves. I see your husband is on board but the bigger deal is if he can handle another few years for you to not be working again.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
Just putting this out there:
Is adoption on the table? I’m just curious if that’s something you’d consider.
Post # 9
I think until you guys are out of your current financial situation and stable, I would hold off. I know everyone says the “you’ll just figure it out” if you do have another, right now or before your financial sitatuion improves, but why do that to yourself if you don’t have to. I do understand how real the baby fever can be. We just had our first and I’d be pregnant again now but we have some debts we need to dismiss before then.
Post # 10
melienstuey : Don’t accept a large hand-out/ rescue money from a kind relative, then put yourself back in the same situation. Despite already having multiple children you both decided to go into debt for a wedding, and buy things on credit cards. Adulting is hard sometimes. Time to suck it up and go to work to help yourself. 3rd child should definitely be on hold.
Post # 11
You say “credit card debt crept up”- which suggest that perhaps the financial situation isn’t due to one singular incident, like the wedding, but rather an unsustainable financial situation that month after month is not getting any better, especially if you don’t go back to work for a while.
Thus, would an influx of cash simply be a band-aid on what is actually a more longer-term, chronic, unsustainable financial situation?
I loved being one of three siblings, but I also saw the strains of finances on my parents and their marriage. I hope you can find a solution that helps you and your family!
Post # 12
melienstuey : I’m sorry you’re hurting but looking at this purely rationally it’s not a good idea to bring child #3 into the world in your situation. I don’t think finances should be the only deciding factor in having kids. But you already have two children and they will continue to incur cost, and you already get financial aid. A new child would also be extremely time consuming (someone would have to be off work and unable to produce income). Your children have siblings in each other.
If you feel the same way in a couple of years and your situation is more stable, revisit. I don’t think an age gap is a problem – my little brother and I have 9 years between us and we are really close.
I know it’s not the best to compare with others, but our friends decided to have a 3rd and now their life is pretty much out of control. As much as they love their son, they sort of regret deciding to have a 3rd child as they have no money or time and never see anyone anymore. Babysitters and even relatives are happy to look after 1, ok, with 2, 3 can be a deal breaker.
You are very lucky that you have 2 healthy kids – try to focus on that and be happy!
Post # 13
Thanks everyone. You have successfully made me totally rethink everything, which I guess was the goal I had… but it doesn’t make it any easier to get over. I just don’t know how to “just move on” from it. It’s a huge deal either way.
I need to to focus on myself, being responsible for my kids. Finding work after being away for 5 years is absolutely terrifying. I’ve been trying and no real luck yet but I know that will change. All anyone needs is once chance right?
Thanks again for your candid responses!
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2017 - Vineyard on Long Island
By deciding to not have a 3rd child after myself and my brother, my parents were able to put both of us through college and help us start professional careers debt-free. I know that we were incredibly spoiled to be gifted such a starting point in our professional lives, and we’ve both expressed that this was the greatest gift that they could have ever given us, especially considering that both my brother and I have friends in our lines of work with 6 figures of college debt as they’re trying to start their own families… Aside from you and your husband’s financial wellness, have you considered the financial wellness of your children? I am by no means saying that financially supporting a child through college is required, but given the current student loan situation in the US and many people entering the workforce with crippling amounts of debt, saving for their future schooling could be something to consder as well.
Post # 15
FutureMrsCoolWine : Thanks for your reply! I’m actually in Canada and the unviersity fees here are much more affordable! I have 2 registered education savings plans for my kids so they won’t have to deal with student debt 🙂
And I don’t know why people seem to think I’m on financial aid..I’m not! I said we have a family member who has offered to help us out, as a 1 time thing…