(Closed) Baby from a previous relationship..changing name after marriage

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 17
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My mom had me before she met her husband and changed her name when they got married. They had to go through the process & have him adopt me in order to change my last name. However, my bio dad didn’t want anything to do with her pregnancy or me (high school age at the time) so it was a relatively easy process for them. 

Post # 18
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Ninteenthchance:  ITA with PPs about the adoption thing. I guess it would depend on the state you live in. 

My exSIL had a kid when she was younger and unmarried. She didn’t have a child support order since the father wasn’t working but instead living off Daddy’s money. She got way more from him w/o an order. Fast forward 5 years, the father has seen the kid a handful of times. She meets a guy and gets pregnant and they decide to marry. 

She changed her name immediately but she couldn’t change her son’s name. When she had her second son, everyone in the family had the new last name except her first kid. It really started to affect him around 10. He had a FB (not supposed to but he did) and he was using his stepdad/brother’s last name….he still has an “identity” issue b/c of it. She couldn’t get the father to relinquish rights so he still has her maiden name.

Personally, I understand why you want to do it. My exSIL’s Darling Husband had NO problem w/adopting him even knowing if they ever divorced he’d be on the hook for child support. I’d talk to an attorney to see what can be done. GL!

Post # 20
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sure it varies by state. But your FH  doesn’t need to adopt her to change the last name, unless he wishes to. I’m in the process of doing it with my son. He has his bio dads last name. However, he hasn’t seen his bio dad since he was 7months, he’s now almost 5. My husband has been in his life since around his first bday. Because my husbands last name is now mine, i can legally change his last name to mine without any adoption changes. Once you’re married, you can change your kids name to yours (with bio dad permission or judge approval) without adoption. My husband has no legal guardianship over him, but that’s something we’re hoping to tackle at a later time. Hope that makes sense! 

Post # 22
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Ninteenthchance:  i haven’t quite gotten that far. I’ve just gotten the paperwork. Still in the midst of filling it out. CA law, you cannot mail papers. Imust have someone serve him in person (DARN!). Once I get to that step, i’ll definitely update you.

Post # 23
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

How do you feel about combining your last name with SO’s, maybe with a hyphen?  Then you and SO could both take that combined last name, and then half of your last name would match your child’s.

Example: You are Smith, SO is  Jones, Daughter is  Smith.

After marriage, you are  Smith-Jones, SO is Smith-Jones, Daughter is Smith.

Post # 24
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

my friend did, she had to try to contact him, she attempted the number she had for him but he had changed it. then she had to put it publicly in a newspaper that she was changing his name and her husband would be adopting him. everything worked out 

Post # 25
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Since you want all of you and your future children to have the same last name, why doesn’t your fiance change your name to yours? Then you don’t have to go through this complicated process with your daughter.

Post # 27
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

First, I wonder what’s your FI’s opinion about this.

I have a friend who was adopted by his step father and changed his name to the new one. He has a not terrible relationship with this biological father but he deeply feels so happy about that his step father adopted him. He says he felt special that his step father “chose” to be his father and he thinks his step father is a much better father than his biological father ever could be.

Different names can be no-biggy for cases, but if I was in your shoes, Fiance wants and the child support is a matter of convenience rather than a nessecity, I’d choose adoption even if that means losing $1000 or more than a month.

Post # 28
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I like the idea of you hyphenating your name. I have a friend whose mother did this. The mother kept her ex-husband’s last name (the father of her first child) and hyphenated it with her current husband’s name (the father of her second child). This way her last name matches both of her children, there’s a unified connection, and she still gets child support money! Win win win!!!

Mother’s name: Jane Doe-Smith

1st child’s name: John Doe

2nd child’s name: Sue Smith

Husband’s name: Matt Smith

Especially since your first child has your maiden name, that makes the situation easier. Your Fiance and any future children could hyphenate as well and still have a full connection to you.

Also, your child can hypothetically go by whatever name they want. I knew a girl in middle/high school that signed everything with a hyphenated name (Sally Jones-Smith) even though her name was legally Sally Jones. No one stopped her, and they even printed her name in the yearbooks that way.

Post # 29
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Not sure if this helps..

But my parents separated when I was a year old, and my mum remarried shortly after. I had a different last name to my younger siblings until I was 18, when I chose to legally change my last name to my step dads name.

It wasn’t something that was ever pressured, but I love my step father and he has always treated me as his own.

 

I am glad that I waited, and that the choice was mine. It had a lot to do with my step dad treating me well.

I think that you should wait until your daughter can make up her own mind. Just because you have chosen a new husband and last name, doesn’t mean she has to.

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