(Closed) Baby mama drama. Not sure how to deal with this.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think that the best step would be just to make your home as safe and inviting as possible for his daughter, and try to ignore the baby mama. She seems to have a few screws loose.

As an aside, if her other home life is so unstable, has Fiance thought about getting the custody arrangement revised to he has his daughter more often?

Post # 4
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with Goldilocks1107. You only have control over your own actions. Fiance seems unbelievably awesome and that he’s dealing with crazy baby mama very well. If you are willing and comfortable, see if he can look into the custody arrangement…

 Also, crazy that she doesn’t want to meet the women who is helping to raise her daughter, if I were a mom in a custody situation I would insist (to see how awesome you are for myself! hehe)!

Post # 5
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeesh, that is tough. ๐Ÿ™

Since you will be dealing with this woman for the rest of your life, is there any way you all can sit down together, to meet and talk? Maybe have grandparents there – or meet in public – whatever seems like it would be less likely to end in a fight, or a temper tantrum from the mother. I can’t believe she doesn’t want to meet you! You are spending time with her child, how can she not want to meet you herself??!!

I agree with Goldilocks as well, about making your home as calm and safe as you can for his daughter. I’m sure she can pick up on the stress going on, and it sounds like her mom’s house is unstable. She needs at least one place where she feels secure, safe and loved. Maybe you guys can get her from longer periods of time, at least until mom gets her act together more (decides where to move, gets more personally stable, etc.).

Post # 6
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

Although my step-bros are quite a bit older, my mom just recently got custody of them. After her and my step-dad got married, they petioned the court for custody of the boys. It was quite a life change for my mom, who thought she was done with the whole parenting teenagers thing, but it’s really been the best situation for the boys.

They are 14& 17, and their mom was an absolute terror. When my mom and step-dad finally got custody, she hadn’t bought them new clothes, taken them to the doctor or dentist or anything since her and my step-dad had divorced two years prior.

I don’t know if you’d be comfortable petioning for custody, or that is what you want, but if you guys can provide that child with a better environment, I think it would be in the best interest of everyone involved.

Post # 7
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yuck, that is an icky situation.  But honestly, I feel that there is more your FI can do to make sure she knows her behavior won’t get her very far.  I’d ask him to continually express to her that he doesn’t need to care about her, unless it involves his daughter.  And he needs to remind her that their relationship is O-V-E-R, with no chance of reconciliation.  She sounds like she could be delusional enough to not realize this fact!  I agree that you should meet with her (in a nonconfrontational way), with your Fiance there as well.  She should want to know who is spending time with her daugther.  Clearly she’s not thinking that way though. 

Post # 8
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with the idea of trying to get full custody of his child. If she is that unstable; it won’t take long for the judge to figure that out. I would agree on not feeding her drama. Have Fiance Talk to her on the phone; but stay calm and explain to her that she has no part in FI life anymore. It’s only about the daughter. If she continues; then that’s just more strikes against her in court. Good Luck! PS: I WOULD definatly be as involved as possible. & I WOULD be trying to be her mommy. That is what makes a good “step” Parent. Someone who feels more like a parent than a “step” parent.

Post # 9
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

Re: PS: I WOULD definatly be as involved as possible. & I WOULD be trying to be her mommy. That is what makes a good “step” Parent. Someone who feels more like a parent than a “step” parent.

I agree with this so much! I am 23, and my step-dad didn’t come into my life until I was 18, and my mom and him live 4 states away. But he has really acted more like a dad than a step-dad. My dad is great, best guy ever, so Pat isn’t trying to replace him, but he really tries to contribute to my life without me asking him to.

Post # 10
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Her lost is your gain, she made a mistake so she needs to deal with it.  I mean, how old is this girl? Sounds very immature to me and I would make sure the only time they ever talk will be kept short and only about their daughter, unfortunately you have to deal with this for the rest of your life because she will always be in her daughter’s life and so will your Fiance.  But later on down the road you two might have a baby and they will be half siblings so all of you need to have a healthly relationship.  But she needs a clue, really.

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

She sounds like a whackadoo. This girls’ going to need a good mommy if hers is this freakin’ nuts and unstable =(

Post # 12
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Tough situation..my advice would be to be a civil as possible!  Even if its extremely hard you don’t want your stepdaughter to grow up knowing there is bad water  between the parents.  Just do your best to be a great stepmom!

Post # 13
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’ve got some baby mamma drama in my life too, so I feel your pain. First off, you definitely need to meet this woman. She’s clearly in the river of denial, and until she sees that you’re a flesh and blood person, she’s going to keep swimming there. Maybe you should go with you Fiance next time he picks up his daughter and sort of surprise it on baby mamma. If she’s not expecting it, she can’t prepare any sort of drama for you. Plus for your peace of mind, it’s better to put a face and real life context to this “other woman” who’s been haunting your life.

Secondly, it sounds like your Fiance is doing a pretty good job with the baby mamma, but maybe he needs to continue reiterating that he’s marrying YOU and has no interest in her. I know with baby mamma on my side, I think she had some sort of delusion that Fiance was going to dump me and she, Fiance and their son would live some sort of picture perfect Sears portrait life together and be happy ever after. It wasn’t until we got engaged that she finally got it and gave up the delusion. She was angry at first, but she seems to have gotten over it and realized that Fiance and I are working together to create the best life possible for FSS. She needs to see that you’re all on the same team here. However, most of this responsibility falls on your Fiance to bridge this gap. I mean clearly you’re not all going to be best friends but she needs to learn to work with you guys as a parenting team, not an us vs you situation.

Lastly, I think what everyone else has said is right. Make sure you’re creating a stable happy environment for your FSD. It sounds like life with her mom is tough. I’m sure you guys are great parents and you love her to bits and pieces, just keep doing what you’re doing.

Stay strong. Being a step parent isn’t easy, I know that! Last weekend that we had my FSS son I spent about three hours crying after he left (he’s 4 and putting me through the wringer!!!), and certainly having drama with the other parent doesn’t make the situation any easier. You’ve got a lot on your plate, so just keep doing the best you can for that little girl and your Fiance, that’s all anyone can ask of you. I think your attitude of not trying to replace anyone is exactly what you need to remind baby mamma about. She’s probably worried her daughter is going to like you more or want to spend more time with you and daddy than with her, and I can totally see how that would make things tough on her end. Just keep plugging along hon.

Post # 14
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I have a similar situation. My Fiance was married for 8 yrs and has two girls. Ages 6 & 9. The ex cheated and he left. She moved the new boy in 2 weeks later. Whenever they break up (on & off) she gets jealous of our relationship and starts trouble. She is completely unfit. He has had conversations with her at 2 pm and she was slurring her words. We have 40/60 custody. She talks about me, tries to piss me off. She even wrote me an email on facebook.

I have no intention of ever being her friend because I know she is garbage and I cant deal with her. I do everything I can to show these girls how to act like ladies and we give them lots of love and encouragement. We show them what is right. Thats all we can do. They know I love them and we just do our best. As for the ex, well we just ignore her and keep an eye that she doesnt go completely bonkers. If she did we would be in court.

Ignore her, lvoe the child, love your Fiance. Whether you are her mother or not you are apart of her life and they are your family. She is not worth your time. Your Fiance should handle her.

Just my opinion… I wish you lots of luck.

 

Post # 16
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

that sucks. Bad! I agree that your FI should try to get more custody of the child. There really isn’t much you can do about her though. She is a fruit loop and it is really unfortunate. I guess I would have Fiance call her, tell her that she is no longer a part of his life and he doesn’t care about her and wants nothing to do with her other than were their daughter is involved and that she needs to back down. He is getting married and is happy and only loves his new family. I doubt it will help becuase she sounds like a looney, but at least he gets it all out there for her. Gosh though, I’m really sorry!!!!

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