Post # 1
I’ve been struggling to get pregnant for a year now. I’ve had two losses and my hormones have been al over the place and I’ve really struggled emotionally and physically. I just found out my friend is having a baby and I’m so happy for them but I’m meant to be seeing them this weekend. I don’t think I can cope with an afternoon of baby chat and I feel awful about that. Should I
fake a sudden illness (I worry that will be super obvious)
go but have an exit plan (leave by x time)
go but try and steer the convo to other things
I feel awful and I know it’s selfish and im a terrible person but I just want to safeguard my well-being and this is the first month I’ve felt good about our chances in a long while (I’m ovulating on my own).
what should I do?
Post # 2
Oh l do empathise with you, such a difficult position and you can’t help feeling ashamed because you can’t ‘rise above’ and be wholeheartedly enthusiastic, even though you are genuinely happy for the other person.
l think l would go with option 2, the exit plan. In fact l think l would flag it from the beginning , you know ” l hope you don’t mind but l absolutely have to leave by 3 because mum/ husband whatever is happening ”
Best wishes for the future OP.
Post # 3
Is your friend aware of your struggles? If they know what’s happening to you, they should keep the baby chat to a minimum and you won’t have to worry about it.
I wouldn’t not go unless you know for sure they’re going to talk about it and not stop talking about it. When you’re there, just say matter of factly that this is difficult for you given your two miscarriages and you aren’t emotionally able to talk about baby stuff right now. Tell her that you’re happy for her and will tell her when better able to talk about the subject. If she won’t respect that, tell her you have to leave for your own well being.
Post # 4
You know yourself better than we do. Do your tend to hit you hard and fast, meaning is there a risk of something tapping into your emotions and bringing tears to the surface quickly? That rarely happens with me, I’m not much of a crier, but with some things I know I’m at risk and I’ll decline to put myself in that situation for everyone’s sake. For other things, if I’ve been struggling with depression about trauma related things and I suspect an activity will make things worse, I’ll skip that activity. I guess I’m leaning towards, if you think going may land you in a bad state of mind then there’s nothing wrong with passing on this for a bit. I remember my ttc days with years of struggles and many losses. Some days I was fine and then other days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Do you what you think is best for your heart and mind. It doesn’t make you a terrible person.
Post # 5
I’ve definitely been in similar shoes (not the losses, but it took us 3 years and ivf to conceive). You are not a selfish terrible person, your feelings are real and valid and you can be happy for someone else, but at the same time feel incredibly sad for yourself. Having difficulty conceiving can be all consuming and you have to put yourself first. That may mean bailing, or it may mean steering the conversation, or it may mean leaving after an hour or two.
you know your friend best, are they the type to gush and talk about pregnancy and babies endlessly? Or will it be 5 minutes of the afternoon and then spend the rest of the time talking about other things? Depending on how close you are to your friend, you might mention you are TTC as well (not to rain on her parade, but it may make her more sensitive to you as the pregnancy progresses).
Post # 6
I can’t say exactly what you should do, but just know you’re 100% valid in how you feel. It’s ok to not be ready to see them or discuss baby stuff until you’ve had a chance to process it all. I have been struggling (i think 2.5 years now. I quit counting after a year) and i have had friends and family get pregnant and have their child. For my cousin, i took time to process everything before being able to support her.
Whichever you decide to do, good luck and know you are not alone even though this infertility road makes you feel so otherwise.
Post # 7
also trying for a year so I feel your pain. If it were me, I would either be upfront with my friend about my own fertility struggles and hope that she knows to limit the baby talk after that. Or, I wouldn’t go. I am a very private person and have only confided in a few close friends who are also struggling with infertility so I totally understand if you don’t feel comfortable talking to a friend (much less a pregnant friend) about it. I think it’s so important to protect yourself here and it’s ok to be selfish. I’ve been an emotional mess the last few months and any pregnancy updates/ pregnant people/etc put me over the edge so knowing me I’d probably bow out until I was in a better place emotionally.
Post # 8
Thank you everyone! I feel loads better reading the replies. TTC is such a weird and lonely thing. I’ve been fairly open – the first loss hit me like a ton of bricks and most people are aware. Since then I’ve been more private as over sharing feels traumatic as well, but I think the lack of news means people have put two and two together.
I am thinking of having a clear exit route or a set time we leave as that means I will be better able to cope.
I felt positive about this month as hormones are balanced again but I’m worried that upset will somehow put everything of course again.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, and imagine it would be really hard to go somehwere and listen about baby news, but I just want to give you some perspective from the other side!
I am 15 weeks pregnant and am just starting to tell people, if we were at an event with people who knew I was pregnant, I wouldn’t bring it up unless they asked me a question, and I definitely wouldn’t let it be a main topic of conversation. I am very happy to be pregnant, but I’m also aware people don’t care nearly as much as you do if that makes sense. So only you know what your friend is like, does she like to talk about herself a lot? Or would she only be talking about it if she is asked questions?!
Post # 10
Oh, Bee, I feel for you so much.
I struggled with nearly five years of infertility and three miscarriages before having my daughter. It got to a point where I could not attend baby showers. I could not attend children’s birthday parties.
When my best friend got pregnant, I was a mess. Happy for her, devestated for me. It took a long time for me to be able to talk to her about the baby. I had to excuse myself from a party when talk turned to baby stuff. I couldn’t stomach smiling through it.
I would go and set the expectation that you have to leave by X time. Give yourself an exit strategy.
Post # 11
I agree with PPs – exit strategy is always best <3 I do that even without conversations looming that I know will make me uncomfortable. I feel I am the best friend I can be in short bursts, not in long stretches.
Post # 12
Thanks all it was totally fine! Apologies for not coming back sooner was seeing family over Easter. I think I was just super worried as I has a loss recently and another friend had a similar due date to me. I found it really hard to be around her and hear about her pregnancy (for which I feel awful). I was just worried about slowly loosing all my friends because of my inability to get / stay pregnant.