(Closed) Baby on the way – stressed w/ DH, Finances & Desire to be a SAHM…

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

As someone who has a baby, I can’t imagine that your house would be immaculate every (or even most) days, whether you work or not. 

This doesn’t sound like a Stay-At-Home Mom vs working dilemma, to me– it sounds like the problem is that your husband is being an ass, quite frankly. Maybe he can dust when he gets home from work if it’s so important to him. 

Post # 3
626 posts
Busy bee

Babies and Immaculate homes just don’t go together!

Whys he so hung up on cleaning? You’ll be knackered after having the baby and getting little sleep so cleaning will be last on the agenda. You look after Baby first then you then husband then house! 

Sounds like he has unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of having a baby and maintaining a home.

Have a word with him and get him to talk to other people who have kids.

Post # 4
5364 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

I definitely agree that his expectations are completely unrealistic. I don’t think this is  financial, Stay-At-Home Mom issue at all, it’s all about him. 

Post # 5
14979 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

And how exaxctly does he contribute to this immaculate home and having meals prepped for him?  

Post # 6
1624 posts
Bumble bee

Yikes, your husband sounds unrealistic and controlling. Is he taking any time off after the baby is born? Before my daughter came, my husband thought we would be so bored with all the time off we had as leave- he quickly discovered how time consuming a newborn really is. 

Could you hire a cleaning service for once a week? Or suggest husband take over cleaning since he is so adamant about it (really, he seems like a peach)

Post # 7
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Frankly, your H sounds like a douche – and I’m a neat/clean freak. 

Post # 8
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Whoa, I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom, and Darling Husband still helps me with chores and doesn’t expect an immaculate house. Your H has unrealistic expectations, and sounds like someone who will punish you for being a Stay-At-Home Mom.

Post # 9
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Wow… Yeah I think the issue here is your husband. He sounds like a real peach 

Post # 10
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Um is the live in nanny supposed to take care of your kid or clean your house? Yes, they do light cleaning and cooking but do you want them to be ignoring your kid in or to have an immaculate house? It’s fairly easy to keep house when they are newborns actually, they do sleep a lot, but as you accumulate more baby things and they become mobile it’s a constant clean up behind the little tornados. If you decide to be a Stay-At-Home Mom it’s also an exhausting job and so if you clean only when they’re napping then you get zero down time For yourself. You really need to make your husband understand what taking care of kids entails. He sounds clueless. I struggled with this with my husband too and we had lots of fights and hard feelings over his expectations. 

Post # 11
9589 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

With all he expects you need to stay home AND hire a maid & cook. If he doesn’t think a baby is a full time job he’s got another thing coming. You need to talk some sense into him. I totally agree with you about staying at home. Wouldn’t you pay 1k for the privilege of being your babies care taker? you can’t get those moments back, and it sounds like your job is really demanding. You’d get to be a weekend mom (when you’re not working weekends that is).

since he sounds like a selfish ass and the emotional reasoms wont phase him, I think you need to really run the numbers. Is he aware he has to offer paid time off, sick days, insure his house as a work place (and probably offer health insurance too) to have a live in nanny? It’s not cheap. And they don’t magically come with the ability to keep a spotless house AND cook gourmet meals. That “nanny” would need to be a super human, and her pricing wwould reflect that. And guess where your baby would be as she tends to all that? Left alone. Newborns and babies need attention for their brains to develop, you can’t just have it in its crib all day (which happens at some daycares….)

Post # 12
1357 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry but I agree with PP’s, sounds like husband is being unreasonable. I was a stay-at-home mom with my two kids and believe me there are days when you could barely get a shower let alone have the house immaculate and dinner in the table, when hubby gets home from work. I’m not sure what advice we can give, other than to sit down and talk to him. I agree with you, I would much rather have a messy house and stay home with my kids, than have a live in nanny taking care of them, just to have a spotless house!!!! Good luck bee!!! 

Post # 13
1305 posts
Bumble bee


It’s unfortunate that you’re two weeks away from your due date and you guys are this far apart in expectations and desires.

ANYWAY….a live in nanny is not a housekeeper nor a personal chef. Not to mention the dynamics of having someone live in is not for everyone.

I agree with the PP who said to run the numbers and essentially make a business case to him on why paying a live-in is not the right option.

And then I’d have a serious talk with him about the whole immaculate house and a meal waiting for him. What does he do now?

Post # 14
634 posts
Busy bee

Your husband is delusional. If his first priority is an immaculate home he should have got a goldfish. 

Post # 15
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

As a former nanny, I can tell you that his expectations are completely unreasonable. Not only is a nanny not responsible for cooking and cleaning (depending on their contract they MAY do some of this, but hello, his/her job is to take care of your child), but his expectations of an ‘immaculate’ home and dinner on the table would drive any reasonable nanny to quit. 

You don’t have a financial/SAHM problem, you have a husband problem.

I would encourage him to talk to other parents you know and spend time with their kids, so that he better understands what it means to be a primary caregiver.

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