Post # 1
I’m due to have my first baby in 2 WEEKS! I’ve always wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Mom or to at least be in a position where we have the luxury of making the decision if I could cut my hours back at work to stay at home with my baby. Who wouldn’t want to feel financially well-off enough to have this option? I make a little over 70K annually and Darling Husband makes a bit over $90K (which will increase to about $120K in October). I’ll be taking 12 weeks off for FMLA and putting the baby in daycare 3x a week which works out to be about $1100 a month. My Mother-In-Law very generously agreed to watch him the other 2 days a week.
ANYWAY, Darling Husband wants to hire a LIVE-IN which will work out to be about $2K a month (not including the cost of food for this person, etc.)! He is very adament that he wants to come home to an immaculate home with dinner on the table each night. My job requires a lot out of me in which I am often working very late and on weekends so it is tough to keep up with the daily needs of our home. I agreed to a cleaning lady every other week but he is not happy with this. After taxes, my contribution to my 401K, insurance (family plan), and contributions to a “daycare savings account” I only walk away with about $3K each month. I just can’t fathom going to work every day and leaving my baby at home with someone else just to bring home an extra, measley $1K each MONTH! I understand the value of insurance and all other contributions actually inflate this amount, but I’m still having a hard time coping with this.
I don’t know how to sit down with him and talk about this rationally. I mentioned the possibility of me working part-time but he said that this would mean the home would need to be dusted every day and in absolutely immaculate condition every single day and I can’t say with 100% certainty that with a new baby this will be the case.
Just feeling super stressed and uncertain right now. Please help 🙁
Post # 2
As someone who has a baby, I can’t imagine that your house would be immaculate every (or even most) days, whether you work or not.
This doesn’t sound like a Stay-At-Home Mom vs working dilemma, to me– it sounds like the problem is that your husband is being an ass, quite frankly. Maybe he can dust when he gets home from work if it’s so important to him.
Post # 3
Babies and Immaculate homes just don’t go together!
Whys he so hung up on cleaning? You’ll be knackered after having the baby and getting little sleep so cleaning will be last on the agenda. You look after Baby first then you then husband then house!
Sounds like he has unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of having a baby and maintaining a home.
Have a word with him and get him to talk to other people who have kids.
Post # 4
I definitely agree that his expectations are completely unrealistic. I don’t think this is financial, Stay-At-Home Mom issue at all, it’s all about him.
Post # 5
And how exaxctly does he contribute to this immaculate home and having meals prepped for him?
Post # 6
Yikes, your husband sounds unrealistic and controlling. Is he taking any time off after the baby is born? Before my daughter came, my husband thought we would be so bored with all the time off we had as leave- he quickly discovered how time consuming a newborn really is.
Could you hire a cleaning service for once a week? Or suggest husband take over cleaning since he is so adamant about it (really, he seems like a peach)
Post # 7
Frankly, your H sounds like a douche – and I’m a neat/clean freak.
Post # 8
Whoa, I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom, and Darling Husband still helps me with chores and doesn’t expect an immaculate house. Your H has unrealistic expectations, and sounds like someone who will punish you for being a Stay-At-Home Mom.
Post # 9
Wow… Yeah I think the issue here is your husband. He sounds like a real peach
Post # 10
Um is the live in nanny supposed to take care of your kid or clean your house? Yes, they do light cleaning and cooking but do you want them to be ignoring your kid in or to have an immaculate house? It’s fairly easy to keep house when they are newborns actually, they do sleep a lot, but as you accumulate more baby things and they become mobile it’s a constant clean up behind the little tornados. If you decide to be a Stay-At-Home Mom it’s also an exhausting job and so if you clean only when they’re napping then you get zero down time For yourself. You really need to make your husband understand what taking care of kids entails. He sounds clueless. I struggled with this with my husband too and we had lots of fights and hard feelings over his expectations.
Post # 11
With all he expects you need to stay home AND hire a maid & cook. If he doesn’t think a baby is a full time job he’s got another thing coming. You need to talk some sense into him. I totally agree with you about staying at home. Wouldn’t you pay 1k for the privilege of being your babies care taker? you can’t get those moments back, and it sounds like your job is really demanding. You’d get to be a weekend mom (when you’re not working weekends that is).
since he sounds like a selfish ass and the emotional reasoms wont phase him, I think you need to really run the numbers. Is he aware he has to offer paid time off, sick days, insure his house as a work place (and probably offer health insurance too) to have a live in nanny? It’s not cheap. And they don’t magically come with the ability to keep a spotless house AND cook gourmet meals. That “nanny” would need to be a super human, and her pricing wwould reflect that. And guess where your baby would be as she tends to all that? Left alone. Newborns and babies need attention for their brains to develop, you can’t just have it in its crib all day (which happens at some daycares….)
Post # 12
I’m sorry but I agree with PP’s, sounds like husband is being unreasonable. I was a stay-at-home mom with my two kids and believe me there are days when you could barely get a shower let alone have the house immaculate and dinner in the table, when hubby gets home from work. I’m not sure what advice we can give, other than to sit down and talk to him. I agree with you, I would much rather have a messy house and stay home with my kids, than have a live in nanny taking care of them, just to have a spotless house!!!! Good luck bee!!!
Post # 13
It’s unfortunate that you’re two weeks away from your due date and you guys are this far apart in expectations and desires.
ANYWAY….a live in nanny is not a housekeeper nor a personal chef. Not to mention the dynamics of having someone live in is not for everyone.
I agree with the PP who said to run the numbers and essentially make a business case to him on why paying a live-in is not the right option.
And then I’d have a serious talk with him about the whole immaculate house and a meal waiting for him. What does he do now?
Post # 14
Your husband is delusional. If his first priority is an immaculate home he should have got a goldfish.
Post # 15
As a former nanny, I can tell you that his expectations are completely unreasonable. Not only is a nanny not responsible for cooking and cleaning (depending on their contract they MAY do some of this, but hello, his/her job is to take care of your child), but his expectations of an ‘immaculate’ home and dinner on the table would drive any reasonable nanny to quit.
You don’t have a financial/SAHM problem, you have a husband problem.
I would encourage him to talk to other parents you know and spend time with their kids, so that he better understands what it means to be a primary caregiver.