(Closed) Baby shower etiquette? How to handle this

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What would you do?
    don't give anything, just go as a guest : (18 votes)
    26 %
    ask family members to help contribute : (2 votes)
    3 %
    ask how much she expects the shower to be to gauge what to give : (10 votes)
    14 %
    just give what you can, leave it at that : (9 votes)
    13 %
    offer more creative help again and throw her a couple bucks (how much?) : (30 votes)
    43 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think it would be fine (and really important!) for you to set the boundaries you are comfortable with. You say it’s at a restaurant? Since you are also a bride-to-be and a graduate student, she has to understand that you are also cash strapped. Maybe you can pay for a limited portion of the meal – say, the desserts, or you could offer to bring a cake (and then buy an affordable one at a Costco or a grocery store, etc.)

    Would something like that be workable?

    Another alternative would be to say, “Oh, I wish I could help out. I definitely understand how financially draining weddings can be – I’m in the midst of planning my own! So, unfortunately, I’m really not in a position to contribute financially, but I thought maybe I could help out with the activity side of things, like finding some fun shower games for us to play?”

    Post # 4
    Member
    45656 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Just when you think you have heard everything…

    I would respond ” I am sorry. there must have been some misunderstanding. Perhaps I should have been more clear in my offer to help with the shower. I am not in a position to offer financial support for the shower you are hosting.I would like to help with decor, planning some games, or providing dessert. Do you still need any help in those areas?”

    Post # 5
    Member
    1093 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Yikes. Flat out asking for $ like that is so, what’s the word, tactless?

    Did she ever respond to what you actually asked her (re: the invitations, decorations, etc.)? Maybe you can counter back with something like “My family and I are more than happy to contribute. As I mentioned, I can make the invitations, or decorations. Do you have a theme in mind? … ” Or however you want to reply to let her know you’re willing to help with actual things, not just sending her a check.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1307 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Yeah, I would not want to donate money for a shower I did not help plan. If a person expects others to help financially, that convo should have happened BEFORE she booked the location.

    If you can help with $$, I would shoot her an e-mail about how much you can afford, and tell her if she needs additional help, you can look around for a more affordable venue. You could also offer to do the invites, games, desserts, and a cake then it would save her $$, you get to participate in the way you had originally hoped to.

    Post # 7
    Member
    717 posts
    Busy bee

    That is really tacky. she can’t plan the party and treat your family like an ATM or something.  like previous posters said, respond and offer to help out in a different capacity.

    you can still take your sil and DH out to a nice dinner or buy her a spa package or something.  they have pregnant lady ones (forgot the correct term!)

    Post # 8
    Member
    5755 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I don’t think its weird to ask your Mom or Grandmother to help out with costs for their son/Grandson’s shower expenses…I’d ask her what she expects the shower to cost and get back to her with what you want to contribute. Is it coming up soon?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Do not offer a dollar amount!

     

    Offer to pay for something that you are comfortable with, like food, or favors, or decor or something.  She should not be planning a shower that she cannot afford, and she should absolutely not put the responsibility on you.

    “Hi!  Sure, I’m happy to take care of the favors and the cake.  I feel your pain – weddings sure can get expensive!  Please let me know what else I can do to help set up for the shower.”

    Post # 10
    Member
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Can you offer your backyard or offer to make food for the shower, or something?  I think a baby shower really can be done quite inexpensively in someone’s home, so hopefully she’s not planning some catered extravaganza that she can’t afford and expecting you and your family to fund it…

    Post # 11
    Member
    1128 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    @julies1949:  I agree with you! Well said.

    Post # 14
    Member
    4466 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I would write back offering the services you mentioned to us that you wanted to help with and leave it at that. If she still wants money perhaps you can buy a few small things but I think, even if it is family, that there has got to be a more tactful way to ask for something. A person shouldn’t just be good for money. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    Yikes! Just offer your time again and don’t feel obligated to pay for anything you didn’t help plan or contribute to.

    Post # 16
    Member
    109 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @ItWasntMe:  Hm–I don’t think this is her SIL as in brother’s wife, it’s her SIL as in fiance’s sister. Am I right OP? So she wouldn’t be asking them to pay for their son/grandson’s baby shower, it would be for the sister of their future son- or grandson-in-law. That’s pretty presumptuous of SIL’s mom, yikes. Good advice from PP’s here. You’re in the right to be uncomfortable with this, OP, SIL’s mom should not have asked for money.

    The topic ‘Baby shower etiquette? How to handle this’ is closed to new replies.

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