Post # 1
I am a bridesmaid for whom I consider my oldest, closest friend (we’ve been good friends since we were 10). When I accepted the honor, I was living 2.5 hours driving distance from my hometown, near Chicago. I have since moved to Austin, TX, where I am a plane ride away (airfaire tends to be $300-$400 per trip). I also work weekends, in a job that doesn’t pay very well. I made the trip up to Chicago for the bridal shower last month, and will obviously be there for the wedding, next week. But I could not ask for three weekends off within six weeks at a new job, and frankly could not afford the travel costs, to attend the bachelorette party last weekend. This week I received a mass email to the bridesmaids (there are 9 women in the bridal party, including 2 matrons of honor and 1 maid of honor), asking everyone to send in their bach party expenses so we could “make everyone whole.” When I asked the Maid/Matron of Honor (bride’s sister) if she expected me to pay for the party I couldn’t attend, she said yes, because even though I wasn’t there, I was still considered one of the hostesses, since it was put on by the bridesmaids. But she said she didn’t expect us to split the cost of food/booze/taxis. Just things like decorations, party favors, and the stripper… Since there are so many of us, I was only asked to pay $57 for this party. (Plus $69 for the shower, which I attended). Since it’s not THAT much, I’m just going to bite the bullet and pay it, for the sake of having a drama-free wedding weekend next week. But I was insulted to be asked to pay, especially since I felt sad enough I couldn’t make it to the party. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Post # 3
I don’t think you should have to pay. But, I do think it shows how much you care for your friend that you don’t want to cause drama right before her wedding. Good for you for being the bigger person!
Post # 4
You should not be paying to attend a party you can’t go to. I think its rude that they even asked you to still pay.
Post # 5
You’re not wrong. I’ve been in a lot of weddings (and have missed a lot of bachelorette parties!), and I’ve never been asked to pay for a party I didn’t attend. That’s crazy.
Post # 6
You are not wrong for the way you feel. I don’t think there necessarily is a “right or wrong” when it comes to that. However, def. a tricky situation. I think it is good in this case that you are biting the bullet- but very annoying that you would be asked to pay. I think I would either let it go (and pay) or say something to one of the other Bridesmaid or Best Man if it is worth it to you to say something. Just try not to pay and not let it go, know what I mean?
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way that you do. I’m not a fan of mass emails asking for money to fund parties like that but good on your for being the bigger person about the whole situation. Money and friends really don’t mix well…it almost always ends up being an uncomfortable situation for all involved.
When I was a bridesmaid in my SIL’s wedding, I was not able to attend any of the prewedding parties because of travel expenses. My other SIL (the bride’s sister) didn’t ask me for money for anything…I offered because I wanted to feel like a part of her party in some way. You traveled to attend the shower…that should have been enough.
Post # 8
Slighty off topic but I read this thread title as in bach like Johann and was slightly confused.
Post # 9
I think its reasonable for all BMs to chip in for decorations and all that. I’m pretty shocked at the amount they spent though. With 9 BMs, $57 per person is a lot of decorations. I think you’re doing the right thing by paying though. It’s important to avoid potential drama from refusing to pay.
Post # 10
I think that is ridiculous! I would just tell the Maid/Matron of Honor that you will have spent close to two grand to be a part of this wedding and have contributed a fair share. Also, PLEASE tell us what kind of parties you ladies are giving the bride? A $600 dollar shower, and $500 dollar bachelorette party, not including alcohol, and food??? Is it just me or does it seem like maybe the bill is actually less and being spilt between less than 9! people??
Post # 11
I think it is rude that they just expected you to pay. I have planned a few bachelorette parties. I remember that one of the bridesmaids couldn’t attend the party, but she did offer to pay a portion. As tempting as it was to take her money, I didn’t. The rest of the bridesmaids just paid a little bit more each.
Post # 12
There are different ways of doing it. When I hosted some, each of us just paid for certain things, we didn’t split the costs evenly.
Did everyone attend the shower? If not, did they still pay their fair share?
I would just consider it a gift to the bride. Even if you couldn’t be there, you still wanted her to have a great party, right?
Post # 13
Holy cow that’s a lot of bridesmaids. I personally think it was in poor taste for her to ask. Are the other bridesmaids all local or closer? I think she should have recognized your circumstances and how much more you are having to spend to attend the events you are attending. I have heard of bridesmaids begging off of attending expensive bachelorette weekends because of cost before, so I assumed that when someone doesn’t attend, she also doesn’t pay. Maybe it’s a gray area but I think she should have at least asked you how you felt about the issue rather than just make a demand for payment. It’s kind of you to try to keep the peace by chipping in.
Post # 14
I was in a similiar situation, whereas I couldn’t attend the shower/BP. The only thing is, we all planned it via email before hand and I knew before hand we would all be spliting the costs. I think part of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is paying for shower/BP/dress. It’s kinda annoying you got a bill after the fact without any discussion, but I think it is still OK.
Post # 15
I think its kinda crazy that she had the nerve to ask you to pay!!
Post # 16
9 x 57 = 513. So they spent $513 on decorations, favours (what is this, a 6 year old’s party?) and a stripper!! Seriously? Because I object to strippers in principle, I would refuse. But if you don’t object to strippers, why should you pay for something you didn’t get to enjoy?