Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Hi,
I read a post here about a bachelor party and the problems that sometimes come with it and everyone’s replies for that persons post was very helpful. So I decided to write my story in hopes of getting my head clear about my situation. Sorry for the long story.
Let me first begin with the fact that I was very insecure about the idea of my fiance having a Bachelor party to begin with as I am not ok with strip clubs or lapdances or anything else the common thing for boys to do is. I had told my fiance not to go to any strip clubs and I was deeply against the idea and would be really hurt and feel betrayed if he went. Even though we had arguments over all this, he assured me that even though he had in the past gone to strip clubs when he was young to see what they were like, he didnt go randomly anymore and hadnt for a long time. He said his friends also werent the types to go randomly and that most were in long term relationships. Even though to him going to strip club wasnt a big deal as long as you didnt cross lines, he promised me that for my sake he wouldnt go and that his friends wouldnt make him either.
When his friends started a bachelor party email chain, I looked at this email (I know I shouldnt have but I wanted to make sure nothing was being planned) and saw his friends mentioning going to a strip club. We had a huge argument about it even before he went, I cried and confonted him he said it was normal for guys to get excited and mention things that they wouldnt do on the night of the party. He assured me over and over again he didnt need or want to go and wouldnt go for my sake. He said I needed to have more trust in him and stop acting the way I was being overly paranoid and feaking out.
On the night of his Bachelor party he went out to the city with a bunch of his mates and they went to a small club, stayed there a long while and apparently it was getting really boring, there weren’t many people there and one of the guys pressured the rest to go to a strip club which was across the street saying it isnt a bachelor party without a strip club involved. He had told his mates no strip club from the beginning so all the guys were prepared not to go, but on the heat of the moment, when his friends were getting restless he decided to say screw it and went. Once there he told me he didnt get any lapdances – but when his friends were throwing dollar bills the stripper as a favor came down and gave him a five second drop down on his lap.
I found out all this when I saw pics in FB of the street with the strip club light a friend of his posted and I asked him if he went. He said no to me again but texted his friend asking what pic he posted in fb as I was asking him about strip clubs. Anyways, I looked at his texts secretly and confronted him about it. He admitted to everything above. I don’t know what to think of all this. I know I have trust issues… he hasnt done anything else to give me any other reason to feel he is a bad person or has cheated on me. But he did console me and say I wont go I promise and then lied and went and I had to find out like this. He has told me that he is sorry and he shouldnt have lied and will not do it again.
We have a made a rule now that if he goes to a strip club for one of his friends bachelor party that he will tell me in advance and that when in there he will not get any lapdances or anything else that I would be unconfortable with. But I still do not feel confortable with him even going to a stripclub and don’t know how to trust him. I know it is me that has trust issues cause he made one mistake and I should overlook it but why can’t he just not go to one for me when I dont go to male strip clubs for him. Why do women have to go through all this and not men as much. Its so unfair 🙁
Anyways, I just need to know now if I should let him go to a stripclub IF his best friends who have bachelor parties want to go for theirs….or just make it a rule for him NOT TO GO and come home after they hit bars and clubs at the end of the night. and 2. Did I overreact to him going and lying to me to begin with. Was it ok for him to go being in his position that night..and all. 3. I dont know how to trust him and know he didnt get a lapdance or that for his friends parties he wont get a lapdance. I wont be there and he has lied to me in the past so how do I know if he will or will not.
Im sorry, I just need someones views on this to figure it out. Thanks you.
Post # 3
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@Jeanine: ((HUGS)) I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I don’t know what I would do in this situation, to tell you the truth. He promised you one thing and did another.
He severely damaged your trust. I hope he gets that that is why you’re upset more than anything.
I know it’s not the just “strip club” thing that’s bothering you, it’s the fact he broke his word. I haven’t ever been to a strip club but I’ve heard they aren’t really that bad, at least that should be of some comfort to you. Your Fiance was just going along with the guys and guys can really be jerks sometimes.
Post # 4
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@Jeanine: Hi, welcome to the hive.
I think that I would be mad if I were you, but realistically his arm was twisted and it is hard to say no in the heat of the moment. I don’t think strip clubs are cheating (although I can think of like 100 different places I’d rather my SO be at). I don’t think that making a rule like he’s a kid is going to work.
I agree that drawing the line at lap dances is a good idea, though.
Also… I’ve been to a strip club myself. For a bachelorette. It wasn’t a big deal. Strip clubs really are boring. It’s not like he’s going to take one of the girls home. The girls have zero interest in the guys who come in… they’re just trying to earn a living.
I don’t think you should base your trust on him on this one incident. As you can see from previous posts, it seems to happen a lot. It’s a recipe for disaster really… you get a bunch of drunken men together, of course they’ll do something stupid. I think bachelor/bachelorette parties are stupid in general. It’s not the last night of being single. It’s just something that tends to add more stress to the already stressful time of wedding planning!
As you say, he’s generally trustworthy. Let this one go.. you’ll feel a lot better.
Post # 5
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
Guys are so immature sometimes. You never see a bunch of girls in a bar pressuring each other to drink and then go to a nudie club. Guys are… their own breed, in every sense of the word.
He should have never betrayed your trust. To me, it means he thinks more of what his buddies think of him than what you think of him — spur of the moment or not.
The strip club thing is one thing, but I think there might be more to this since you snoop through his stuff. So a lot of trust issues need to be worked out.
And in the future, if you’re not comfortable with it, I don’t see why you should have to compromise your values — but make sure you’re in the same page and you believe what he says if he says he will not go.
Post # 6
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
Hi I am here to give an update and see if anyone has anything to say about whether he deserves my forgiveness. please let me know what you think because i am really hurt and do not know if I can overlook this. I am now thinking about getting back at him and visiting male stripclubs and getting lap dances myself.
He told me that he DID get a lapdance and the girl put her breasts on his face a second or two for a jiggle ewww I found this out when I pressured him to tell me the truth. I knew he got a freaking lapdance! what an a&%hole! anyways his excuse is he was selfish and he felt bad he lied to me but it was to not hurt me as he couldnt take back what he had done and he still believes he is a good guy that didnt cheat or hurt me and do anything that doesnt deserve foregiveness. BUT HE LIED TO ME TWICE, HE even said things like I went to the strip club but I didnt get a lapdance I promise you and I will not be bullied into confessing something I didnt do (as in lapdance) which at the end he DID DO. LIAR!
should I forgive him, how do I go past this? and should I do tit for tat and go and get a lap dance myself? thats only fair right?
please help me…
Post # 7
Hostess
8572 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
It will take time, but I think you should forgive him.
Is it really worth throwing away your relationship because he got some jiggly boobs in his face from a STRIPPER he’ll never see again. Strippers aren’t interested in those men at the clubs, it’s just a means to put food on the table.
I think you have alot of trust issues with your fiance – if I couldn’t trust my fiance, I wouldn’t be marrying him.
Post # 8
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
I did some research on this matter and visited yelp reviews on the stripclub he went too. There are testimonies of girls negotiating fully nude for 50 bucks. They let them do explicit things if the girls are into it like putting finger up (you know their what) and doing tricks with their legs on the guys shoulder. I cannot believe my fiance who is supposed to love and respect my wishes can go behind my back and lie to me and have a fully naked chick rub all over him. I mean how do I trust him ever again. I think iM going to break it off. It hurts me too much. Screw him.