Post # 1
Me and my fiancé have been engaged for over a year and are getting married in 6 months. The sooner we get to our date we have been discussing final details and things like the bahelor/bachelorette party. Every time we get to a discussion about the bachelor party it turns into a huge argument. My idea of a bachelorette party is a nice dinner and a fun night out getting drinks with my close friends. No penis straws or penis hats. Something I would invite my mother and his mother too. But when it comes to my fiancé he does not just want a chill night out.
He came to bed the other night telling me he wants to go to San Diego for his party (we live in MI). My immediate reaction was to say no and i was annoyed. We are parents, we have a 4 month old daughter (found out I was pregnant a week after engagement and decided to wait instead of rushing to the alter). This upset me because I just can’t say I’m going to go off and have a boozey vacation with my friends, I’m a mother first and I can’t live that life anymore.
I later found out that this trip him and his friends were beginning to plan involved going to Tijuana and all other sorts of activities like srtippers, clubs, ect. As soon as I found all of this out (by snooping unfortunately) I shut it down and confronted him, but he still feels like he is entitled to have some crazy bender with his bros.
Today he told me that he was going to Miami because he was invited to interview at a medical school (he has been traveling a lot to go to schools so this seemed normal). And when he was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner his phone lit up from his friend saying he “doesn’t think he’ll be able to get everyone together in time in Miami.” So, he was trying to plan something in Miami while I would of thought he was just there for a professional visit.
Now I just feel like I cant trust him to have an appropriate party. And I’m really upset and hurt by him that he feels that he needs this huge party before he marries me. Like, is his life so dull with me that he needs to go nuts far away from home before he ties the knot? I’m really starting to have doubts now about him and our future marriage. He has never given me a reason not to trust him. He comes home every night and enjoys spending all of his free time with his family. So, this not trusting him and feeling kind of betrayed is new to me.
this is my first time on this site and I was hoping for some insight on how to move forward. I’m sure worrying about this topic is common and hope someone has some encouraging advise. Xx
Post # 2
I wouldn’t “confront” him if I were you! Just sit him down and have a calm convo with him explaining your concerns. Maybe ask what his plans are? Honestly, you might be overreacting by thinking he wants out? Guys need guy time as much as we do with our gfs!
Post # 3
Everyone is different.. But I completely understand where you’re coming from on this one. I think that a man with a child already should probably be settled down enough to just have a simple night out or at a friend’s house for his bachelor party. I would talk to my fiancé about this because that would really upset me.. Especially the lying..
Post # 4
Strippers aside (because I think from what you wrote you two are on the same page about that) what is wrong with his friends throwing him an elaborate bachelors party? Are you jealous? I am sure your partner woukd be supportive if your friends wanted to do that for you.
It sounds more like you are against it because it is not the party you want. But here is the thing, it is not your party, it’s his party.
Also what is wrong with combining a professional trip that he has to pay airfare for to attend into his bachelor party?
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I agree with the idea of a calm conversation – see if you can reach some compromise. Ask him how he would feel if you wanted to go on a three day boozy bash, leaving your daughter with him, and see how he reacts to that. Ask him *why* he feels the need for a massive party.
My now-husband insisted, from the word go, that he wanted his bachelor party the night before the wedding. I argued until I was blue in the face but he would not back down (and to be fair, he did have a valid point that some of his friends were flying in for the wedding and wouldn’t be able to get to the party if he didn’t have it the night before). Eventually I discovered that what they were planning was just going to be a party at the best man’s house; the best man also thought it was a terrible idea (which made me feel SO much better!), and all I could do was trust him and his friends that he would be at the church, sober and upright with both eyebrows intact, at the start of the ceremony, and he promised me he would be. I still worried, but he was there. I honestly think the only thing you can do is talk to him about it.
Post # 6
I tend to agree that someone who has a baby that young should have his priorities elsewhere, but maybe he is really just excited about having a reason to get all his friends together. My fiancé always says that the bachelor party is really for the groomsmen. They’re the ones who get all excited about strippers and are the most likely to get into trouble. Still, it’s not cool AT ALL for him to try to plan something behind your back. I’d have a talk with him and see if you can find a compromise. The bachelor party is really important to some guys–after all, it’s his only one.
Post # 7
The more upset you are about it the more he will want to go all out. Don’t make him feel like a leash is being tightened. He’s probably just excited if he rarely gets bro time.
Go get you a babysitter, some penis hats, and booze…nobody is stopping you! It’ll make you feel better! Have the party you want and don’t be worried the mothers won’t approve. They can come to the bridal shower. You don’t want to project resentment onto him if you don’t get the party you really want deep down. I think that’s where this is coming from….maybe from wishing you had a crazy bunch of friends who would throw something wild & fun for you? A penis theme may not be your style, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a badass bachelorette party. And just because you’re a mother doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time. I know the friend pool tends to dry up after the birth of a baby (funny how that happens isn’t it) but surely you know some mothers/married women dying to get out of the house and cut loose?? Even if that’s not what you want, I think it might distract you from resenting him if you had your own damn good time to look forward to 🙂
Post # 8
FWIW, bachelor parties are rarely as exciting as they’re built up to be by the groomsmen & groom. They might say they want a rooftop bash in Miami with 10 strippers, a barrel of whiskey, partying into the wee hours…but what they actually get is a hotel room, a 12 pack of natty light, 1 part time stripper full time grandmother, and they’re passed out before 10pm. I blame Hangover for their unrealistic aspirations 😂
Post # 9
I’m more concerned about the lying or “halftruth” if you want to go that far than the strippers. It’s also odd they would go to Miami, yes there are strip clibs but what what I remember there were not any in an area that would be desirable for tourists to stay. Trust is everything in a relationship and what he is doing is not trustworthy. Very concerning when there is a child involved and a wedding looming
Post # 10
I don’t see anything wrong with him having a bachelor party. It sounds like he works hard, cares for his daughter, cares for you. Why is it so bad that he wants to go out and have some fun with his friends? Just because you are not the type of person who will go out and have a boozy bachelorette party does not mean he is going to feel the same way. As a previous poster said, I would worry about the lying to you part, but nothing else. Sorry, I think you are overreacting.
Edit: also, you shouldn’t be snooping. That is a relationship killer.
Post # 11
I would be so PISSED about the lying. That would be completely unacceptable to me and I would be so upset. Who lies about something so major? I would confront him about the lying.
EDIT- I do think bachelor trips that are far like that are ridiculous and you two have a child. And I absolutely would not be ok with my Fiance going to Tijuana. What is in Tijuana that you cant get in the US? Oh thats right, violence, easy access to illegal drugs, cheap strippers and prostitues…really weird destination for a bach trip. Sounds like he is looking to get into some shit on the trip and that alone would make me annoyed and not trust him
My Fiance went on a weekend trip for his bach but it was local ( WI we live in IL), and there wasnt a large push for crazy ness before hand so I wasn’t worried. I Would be worred if I were you. ;-/ Sorry bee! Do you trust him?
If you trust him – maybe a compromise is in order. Tell him ine he gets a go ahead for his trip ( if it even happens) but you get a trip is well ( maybe a pre wedding getaway when the baby is a little older?) Then you both get to have some fun. Clearly this is important to him but you shouldnt have to miss out too.
Post # 12
I have zero problem with a person having a kick ass bach party. As long as what is being planned is within budget. Meaning if travel and lodging is necessary, then those costs need to be within budget.
The thing that would bother me would be the lying and secrecy in regards to the Miami trip. That would need to be something that needs to be discussed. But then again you snooping was not okay either. He may be having a hard time trusting you now because of the snooping. And who is to say that their plans would have actually played out. Generally with these types of things big, crazy things are discussed, but none actually come to fruition.
It seems like his friends want to plan him a full out bach party (which like k0rtnei said, will not be as amazing as they think it will be). Why are you against that? Do you not trust him enough to be around strippers or go to clubs and drink the night away? And yes, you two are parents, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to still party. Just because you have a preference for your bach party doesn’t mean that he has to have the same preference.
I personally think you are overreacting.