Post # 1
i need some advice – 10 year relationship that started young. We’ve only ever been with each other. Wedding is in 3 months. He kissed (pecks) two girls at his bachelor party dancing. This is truly not him and I know some may roll there eyes at that but he’s honestly the most upstanding human I ever known. Hard working, kind, whole 9 yards until he did this. Would I be stupid to forgive him? For even wanting to work this out? Do I call the wedding off?
Post # 2
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision here. There are couples who stay together and work past infidelity. But there are those who can’t move past it because the trust is broken.
But I will say plenty of men go to thier bachelor parties and don’t cheat on thier fiancée. And that’s not even being upstanding that’s the very basics of being in a relationship.
How did you find out? Is he remorseful or just making excuses? Would he be open to premarital counseling?
Post # 3
TBH, if my FH kissed ANYBODY besides me (and family), we would be having serious discussions about our relationship. I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore. Do I think you’re stupid for wanting to work it out. Of course not. Would I cancel the wedding? Probably not-but future discussions may influence this. If he is genuinely apologetic and he was honest about the whole thing, I would probably forgive him with time.
Post # 4
hikingbride : he told me after two days of being back from guilt consuming him. Incredibly remorseful. My 6th time seeing him cry and when he started he couldn’t stop. Not a single excuse has been made.
Post # 5
I think him not trying to make terrible excuses and the fact that he was up front about it with you is a really good start to being able to work past this if it’s something you’re considering, Bee.
If you want to try to forgive him, then yes, start working on rebuilding trust. His remorse is a big first step, now you need to figure out how you can come to terms with it and feel assured that it will never happen again. My psychiatrist told me something very interesting after I was cheated on once: There is absolutely nothing someone who has cheated can do to repair what happened. Moving past cheating depends entirely on not repeating past mistakes and the ability of the person who has been cheated on to come to trust that person again.
I know your wedding is close. I think you take a week or two to figure out where you want to head with this relationship. If you want to work on repairing things, I might postpone the wedding. Say it’s still on, but that you’ve had a holdup and need to extend the timing a bit.
Post # 6
Do you really believe that they were “pecks?” As in a quick kiss hello or goodbye? Please. Sometimes people confess to lesser offenses because they want to get ahead of a whole story coming out.
The crying does not sit well with me as a form of manipulation, which is exactly what it is. Now it’s all about his devastation and his emotions. And the trust would be broken. Three months out, I’d probably postpone.
Post # 7
I would at the very least postpone the wedding. And I don’t care about crying, as a PP said that’s emotional manipulation and means nothing.
I would have a VERY hard time trusting him. I’m not sure I believe that it’s just a “peck.” What does that even mean? Did he dance with them and kissed them quickly and walk away? Two separate girls, too? Did they lean in to kiss him and he pulled away, and that’s why he called it a “peck”? Why was he even dancing with other girls? I guess some people may not have an issue with that, but in a nightclub setting, that would NOT be okay with me. And if he’d break your trust in this way, can you trust that it wasn’t actually more than a peck and he was just trying to minimize what he did? Relieve his guilt by admitting SOMETHING, but concealing the extent of it so that you don’t break up with him.
“Just a peck” may not seem like much, but it’s a huge breach of trust that leads to lack of trust in the relationship in general.
I honestly am not sure if I’d be able to continue in my relationship if this happened. I’d probably postpone the wedding and try couples counseling, as long as I was relatively sure that he had told me the entire truth. But this would be very tough for me to get past.
Post # 8
God, if I had a dime for every dude who sobbed like a baby when being confronted by his partner over his infidelity, I would be wealthy.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this bee, but totally agree with pp, don’t let the crocodile tears influence your thinking. He’s crying because he’s terrified he will lose you and his world will be blown up. That’s not the same as crying due to genuine guilt.
At the minimum I’d call off the wedding for now. The man you thought you were marrying is not the man you are actually marrying. If this relationship has any chance of survival you need to take the pressure of the impending wedding off the table for now and go to counseling.
Post # 9
Oftentimes, guilty parties admit to PART of the truth in order to ease their conscience. THAT would be my worry at this point.
The thing about both Lying and Cheating is that it creates a situation in which you feel like you are WILLFULLY signing up to be stupid if you agree to trust them in the future.
Once they have shown you that they can lie to your face or cheat on you with impunity, how can you EVER know they’re not doing it again? Or the extent of things, if they “confess.”
Post # 10
I really don’t think anyone would “confess” and “cry” over a peck. Heck, that is standard greeting in many cultures.
This is probably the start of a trickle truth. You can keep digging, he will reveal a little more, a little more, a little more. But you might not ever know the FULL truth. Or you can accept that he’s a lying cheating POS and go from there.
Post # 11
I would give him a bit of a hard time but would let it go if everything else works.
Post # 12
Sorry bee but I also have a hard time believing it was just an accidental peck. Once might be at a stretch an ‘accident’. Twice with two different women is a deliberate choice.
I don’t buy that alcohol can turn you into a completely different person and make you do something you normally wouldn’t do. I would never flash my boobs sober so I would obviously never do it no matter how drunk or out of it I get.
Sorry bee, I’d personally call off the wedding for a long while to decide whether I could actually trust him again. All it took was a few drinks and a bachelor party for him to decide to kiss not just one girl but two. My question would be if he cheated with such a small provocation like alcohol and a bachelor party, what happens when he meets someone in his life who he could actually have an emotional affair with? Fidelity is a choice. He chose to be unfaithful with such little provocation, what happens when he’s actually presented with a really strong situation of temptation in life? His actions do not bode well for future situations….
Post # 13
Knowing more information, I have to change what I said. If he’s feeling that guilty it was probably more than a peck. Crying is just manipulation. Do I think you can forgive him? Maybe eventually. Do I think you should call off the wedding? Probably. You need to find out exactly what happened, and then work on building up that trust again before I would be able to move on and get married.
Post # 14
hunter20 : I think it’s a good sign that he came clean in his own. To me, it’s always worse if you found out from someone else or had suspicions and pressured it out of him.
I do agree with PPs that crying can just be manipulation so don’t give him too much credit just because he can turn on the waterworks.
Like I said, I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice for you here but if you do want to stay and work it out then I think you need to do counseling, ideally now before the wedding.
ETA: Also, even though he says it was just a peck you should both be tested for STIs.
Post # 15
Nah, I’d pass.
Idc if you want to go see titties and ass, but keep your mouth and penis to yourself. If you can’t manage that then see ya.
Don’t be fooled by the crying, he knows if he cries you’ll soften towards him. And it was waaaaaay more than a peck, of you drill him more will come out.