(Closed) Bachelor Party

posted 5 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@samsonite33:  I’m not really sure why you’re still letting this bother you so much 2 years down the road. It wasn’t right of him to go against your wishes, but I really feel that you two should have resolved this when it happened, don’t let something like that ruin your marriage. Have you talked to him about going to counseling? That might be a good way to work past this. But believe me, him going to the strip club really isn’t something that should tear you two apart – especially since it was 2 years ago.

Post # 4
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you need therapy – both couples counseling and individual therapy for yourself.

I am not a strip club/stripper fan and I would be super upset if my Fiance and I agreed no strippers for his bachelor party and then he went out to a strip club.  however, I would never even consider that cheating and would get over it pretty quickly if he told me right after the fact. It might take some time to rebuild trust but of all the things he could do to break my trust, to me that’s a very small one.  

The point I’m trying to make is that something bigger is going on if you are still perseverating on this 2 years later.  If you didn’t want to marry him, you shouldn’t have.  You can’t punish him (or yourself because constantly analyzing something that happened 2 years ago is torturing yourself and so unhealthy) forever for this, and if that was your plan, you really should have called the wedding off (or explore separation at this point).  

Trust is pivotal in a healthy, lasting marriage and if you don’t have it and aren’t willing to work on rebuilding it then your marriage is doomed. 

Good luck.

 

Post # 5
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I agree with you on not having strippers at a bachelor party, it would piss me off to no end!  HOWEVER, unless he touched/had sex with them he didnt cheat on you.  He probably didnt have the guts to stand up to his friends, he wanted to feel like a man, not like his woman was controlling him.  You need to gain some perspective on this, you are still thinking about this after 2 YEARS.  I dont think its fair to say you cant trust him just because he looked at some naked girls dancing for an hour.  He loves YOU, he married YOU.  Honestly, not to sound harsh, but you will end up pushing him away with your insecurity, if he had actually had an affair I could understand but the only person reminding him of other women is you by talking about them all the time.  You have to remember that there will always be attractive women around, whether he sees them at Hooters or he is buying milk at the grocery store.  You have to have confidence in yourself and in his love for you.  What he did what selfish and insensitive, but its time to let this go. 

Post # 6
Member
8455 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@samsonite33:  *HUGS*  So sorry that this happened to you.  Have you talked to your husband about trying some counseling?  Does he understand how much he hurt you by doing all of this?  It doesn’t matter whether or not strippers are “ok”, they weren’t ok for you and your relationship, and your Father-In-Law had no right to attack you like that.  There isn’t any point in beating yourself up over going through with the wedding, you can’t change that now.  Hopefully, your husband will be open to seeing a marriage counselor.  I think it’s good that you’re doing something about it now since a baby can add more stress to the situation.  Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

You need to let this go. 2 years ago was a considerable amount of time for you to come to terms with this. I think it is unreasonable for you to say you do not trust your husband — Think of the other side of the coin. If your husband said, “I am still bitter over something you did two years ago and I don’t think I trust you.” You’d look at him like he had just taken crazy pills, right?

You need some sort of therapy or counseling and you need to work through this issue. It is not healthy to hold a grudge for two years, and it’s not healthy to hold onto something this long with the express intent to be upset at it.

You may not agree with my opinion, but unless your husband had sex or any sort of intimate relation with a stripper, he didn’t cheat on you. Looking is not cheating, and if it was, we’d all be filthy cheaters.

ETA: My knee-jerk reaction is that this is pregnancy related. You’ve got a lot of time to dwell on the things you hate (dislike?) about your SO now you’ve got a child on the way. Also may be hormonally charged and thus skewing your perspective/making a bigger deal out of this than you should.

Post # 8
Member
5959 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@samsonite33:  I understand being upset, he told you one thing and did another…it was a huge problem for you and in spite of your reservations you decided to go through with it and get married anyway. 

Honestly, I think the statute of limitations has run out on the bachelor party incident, two years is a long time and if this man has been a stand up, do right guy ever since, letting this go through counseling, meditation or whatever you need to do is the best thing for everyone.

Your husband probably has no idea this is bothering you this much OR he assumes since you decided to get married that you forgave him…either way, hiding the way you feel from your spouse is just as bad as lying to them, how can he fix something with you if he’s unaware of the problem?

Either way, this needs to get sorted out, but have realistic expectations, he can’t take that night back, he can’t do more than apologize, listen to you and understand where you’re coming from.  So have an idea of what you need in order to let this go, but don’t break the man over a single mistake, we all make those.

Post # 10
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh my…I’m not sure how to put this. But..this was an incident that happened 2 YEARS ago. There is no way that it should be affecting you so much to the point where you are endangering the health of your baby. Look, I am not a fan of strippers either. I am a Christian and it goes against what both FH and I believe. BUT, most men do go to strip clubs for the bachelor party and usually just get a lap dance. While I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with this, I know men don’t view this as “cheating”. It was  a one night thing that is over and done with. It doesn’t matter anymore. The real problem is that he totally went against your wishes and that you are STILL being bothered by it. It should have been 100% sorted out before the wedding. Just…drop it. There is NO reason to be upset over this still. Either way, I think counseling for yourself might help you get over this.

Post # 11
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

Did he go to a strip club or actually cheat on you with a stripper? I feel the same way that you do about strip clubs. I don’t like them one bit. HOWEVER, just because a guy goes there does not necessarily mean he is cheating on you. Just because he is is the strip club doesn’t mean women are “all over him.” It’s a stupid tradition that many guys feel they need to carry out in order to be “men” in other guys’ eyes. 

It’s rather unfortunate that your then fiance and his family and friends chose to be (excuse my french) assholes to you about this topic back then. They were all way out of line to say those things to you. Your fiance should have had this conversation with you alone and told his family to buzz off. I could almost guarantee you that what happened was that his friends pressured him to go even though that was not in the plans initially and called him a pussy and whatever else guys do to each other. Not saying it’s ok at all, just saying… He probably felt emasculated and it’s not something guys want to feel before they walk down the aisle.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about this with your husband. It’s been 2 years since then and it still is bothering you quite a bit, so I am worried about you not talking to him about this topic more since then. How has your relationship been since then? You knew that your husband was going to be a pilot right? 

Is there a friend or family member that you can talk to about this from your perspective so that you can sort your feelings before you talk to your husband? Unless there’s other things going on that you haven’t shared, it sounds like you might be a bit overreacting about this (which I do too when it comes to strip clubs). Do you honestly think your husband doesn’t love and respect you?

 

Post # 12
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yah know.. id be the same way if my fiance did that. I dont think strip clubs are a place for a married man ( or soon to be married) but i know in some realtionships its ok, but for me it drives panic through my brain and endless worry and anxiety. Hell when I was 35 weeks pregnant I found my fiance watching porn every time I left the house, if i was taking a nap, in the shower..before we had sex, n i didnt know a bout it. apparently this happened ever since I startted looking pregnant, so that took a huge chunk out of my already very low self esteeme. He’s spent the last year trying to make me feel beautiful but nothing he does seems to drive that little nagging feeling in my head that he didnt find me attractive enough to have sex with without watching some blonde stick figure do a black guy. What im trying to say is that I get where your coming from and i would still have that nagging feeling too. I would try maybe a couples councelling because you arnt the reason your thinking like this, he is the reason and he needs to help in the healing process. Wether he actually did anything or not. You just have to try to let go, move on, and focus on the future =D 

Post # 13
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, while I definitely agree that it should have resolved it one way or the other at the time of the incident, I understand where you’re coming from, OP. The issue isn’t whether or not anyone here or your fiancé considers strippers to be cheating. What matters is that you do, your fiancé knew that you did, promised you multiple times to your face that he wouldn’t have them at his party, and then did it anyway. I am a huge believer that you shouldn’t make promises you intend to break, and even if your husband thought your request was unreasonable, he should have either told you so or never promised to you what he did. If I had been in your place, I would have been devastated, and my trust in my fiancé would have seriously suffered.

i think you need to decide whether or not you could ever work past this, and then try counseling, perhaps both on your own and with your husband. Although it is disturbing to me that he also never defended you when his family was attacking you, my Fiance would never let anyone speak to me that way and get away with it. 

Post # 14
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MrsWBS:  + a million

Post # 16
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I believe you are both validated and over reacting.

I feel that you should have felt hurt and betrayed by your (then) fiance for lying to you.  If he was that insistant on strippers he should have talked to you about his reasonings for wanting them involved with the party, and if he still couldn’t persuade you then he should have respected your wishes.  I think I speak for everyone when I say that lying is unacceptable in any situation.

It has however been two years and I feel if you decided to stay with him and he hasn’t done anything else to break your trust, it should be in the past by now.  There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting and they don’t always have to go hand in hand.

I obviously don’t know your husband and I don’t all of the situation.  I am a man and I really can’t stand strippers/strip clubs.  I could never get past the thought of how dirty it was to give a girl money to take her clothes off, especially when she really doesn’t want to.  I have however been to strip clubs a handfull of times due to the persistence of the a group of friends.  I however did not touch the girls nor let them touch me and always said no when the girls asked if I wanted a private dance.  I understand why you did not want strippers to be involved as I couldn’t imagine any other woman touching me besides my Fiance.  Maybe he was like this as well?  Though he lied to you and shouldn’t have given in to the other guys, but maybe he just sat there and let the guys enjoy it?

The last bach party I went to, I sat in the dark corner of the club so I could be as far away from the girls as possible (I was Dirty Delete so I couldn’t just leave).

As far as your father-in-law’s outburst, your husband should have stood up for you even if he agreed with him.  I love my father dearly and he is my best man, but if he was ever rude to my Fiance and made her feel bad, you had better believe we would have words. So I’ve got no advice for you on that other than he needs a smack up side the head for that one.

There will be no strippers at my bach party at my own request, my Fiance is more than fine with me having them though (at least that’s what she says 😉 )

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