(Closed) Bachelor party- am I too controlling?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t get why people get so up in arms about strip clubs.  Who the hell cares?  Just let him have fun.

Since your guy isn’t comfortable with going, what exactly do you think you controlled?  It’d be controlling to stamp your foot and demand he sip wine and watch a movie or something instead of having fun.

Post # 4
8440 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@goldfish2308:  I think you did exactly what you should’ve done: be honest with the man you’re marrying.  If it makes you uncomfortable, you should be able to say it.  I can’t tell you how many heartbreaking stories there are about a bride trying to be “cool” about the bachelor party.  My husband and I did dinner and game night (xbox) with friends and had a great time.

Post # 5
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@goldfish2308:  I think it’s better to be honest now than to pretend it’s okay and then deal with the fallout later.  If your Fiance is okay with how you feel, then I don’t see anything wrong with the situation.

Post # 6
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I also don’t see the problem with a guy going to a strip club for his bachelor party, as long as he’s just looking and not touching. But, you expressed how you felt and he agreed. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Post # 7
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@goldfish2308:  My husband wouldn’t have even had to ask. He doesn’t conduct himself that way in his regular life, so why the hell would he do it before the biggest commitment of his life? You are not being controling at all. Lots of folks have stag and does and there is no need for you to feel anger, resentment, and bitterness while he is out paying to look at naked girls. It’s a good thing you spoke up first! So many women don’t and regret it. It would also show you where his priorities lay. Imagine he refused and pleasing his friends was more important?

In my experience, it is usually the friends who want to do it. My husband’s friends thought it was a great idea and he told them no way before he even told me about it. He knows without asking what I would and would not be cool with, and besides that – he hates strips clubs, so why would he make an exception to please his friends and displease me? No, that would definitely not work for us. Good for you! Don’t let anyone tell you that you are controling – only you know what works for your relationship and your partner is obviously cool with it.

Post # 8
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’ll be honest, I have never heard of a guy asking his Fiance “permission” to attend his own bachelor party.



Post # 9
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Strip clubs are really not that bad. They are very controlled environments (for the most part) and it’s not like all the women there are out to hook up with the customers – it’s just *designed* to seem that way.

It’s not an issue of thinking you are too controlling, just wanting to reassure you (in case you have not ever been to one yourself – I have been to a few) that it’s really, really not as bad as what I feel like a lot of people imagine it is.

Post # 10
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@goldfish2308:  I don’t think you are too controlling at all. You were nothing but respectfully honest about your thoughts re: strip clubs. And your Fiance showed you the same respect by being understanding.

I know that some women are cool with their guys going to those clubs, and that’s fine. I’m of the “not cool” camp personally though. I don’t think it’s whether you let or not let your guy go – it’s how you deal with your own feelings on the issue and how you approach your SO/FI.

Post # 11
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

You talked about it and you both came to decision that you are happy with, nothing beyond that matters. You feel how you feel and what works in one relationship doens’t always work for others.

Post # 12
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

mine didnt go to one. and they had fun without. it made me uncomfortable and i told him.

Post # 13
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

No, he asked for your opinion and you gave him an honest answer.

Post # 14
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@peachacid:  +1 on everything you said in post #1.

Post # 16
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@goldfish2308:  Not controlling at all.  You voiced your honest opinion (so important in any relationship) and he made his decision on his own.

I understand your discomfort with strip clubs.  I know I’m in the minority, and a lot of bees will say that if you trust your man it doesn’t matter.  I trust my fiance with ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, so for me it’s not a matter of trust — it’s more a matter of respect, which I think is what you were getting at in your post, too.

I know my fiance would never get a lapdance or go into a private room, not just because he knows I myself am not comfortable with that, but because he’s not comfortable with that type of scenario either (like your Fiance, he has also never been to a strip club). 

So even though I know he would not do anything that could even be construed as cheating, I still find strip clubs disrespectful.  I mean, there’s nothing that screams “I’m ready to be married!” than, “Man, I can’t wait to get that lapdance from that hot stripper before I’m tied down FOREVER!”

All in all, what’s important is that a couple be on the same page with these things.  If you were okay with strip clubs and your Fiance was okay with strip clubs, then that would work for you–and I know couples that this is completely fine with who have great relationships.  But for a couple like me and Fiance (or like you and your FI), strip clubs are a no-go zone… and that’s okay too.

It doesn’t make you controlling that you voiced your honest opinion.  I think there’s a stereotype that ALL men are just DESPERATE for a stripperfest bachelor party and that ALL women who aren’t comfortable with that are just irrational, jealous, uncool, and controlling types.  Some things just aren’t right for everyone, and you’re certainly not controlling because you told him the truth and he decided on his own that your feelings were more important than a bunch of naked women he’ll never see again.

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