(Closed) Bachelor party anxiety, plz help… (probably tmi)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I would just ask my Fiance not to go, as it makes me uncomfortable, and that he wouldn’t be comfortable with me having a naked man rub on me either. My Fiance would respect that, and doesn’t like making me uncomfortable/unhappy/etc and I him. So he wouldn’t go and would excuse himself out.

Post # 3
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

You can’t really be serious by saying that you “trust him”, but you know he would “lie to you” in one sentence. You don’t trust him. You just feel powerless and you know you have no say, because he’s already blown you off once.

 

Nice “tradition”, to lust over other women before you promise fidelity, care and love for the rest of your life…

 

Frankly, I think you need to stop being ashamed of your opinions and how you feel about it. By “playing it cool” you’re only violating yourself. You’re not truly cool about it. And your Fiance should care more about you than a “tradition” of lusting after other women. Sorry, but for a normal person priorities are obvious – fiance comes before immediate gratification you don’t need to experience at all.  

Post # 4
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

As to answer on how I deal with it, I know. My Fiance would never go to a stripclub – we have the same opinions and values, but that’s also because I show my boundaries relatively early in the relationship. On the general level, though, I remommend being direct, honest and clear, no tip toeing and sugar coaing about the issue, no games. Limits depend on your mutual values – if there’s a conflict, they should be adjsuted to the more “sensitive” person, especially as the whole issue is of small magnitute. On one side you have comfort, hapiness of a fiance, on another one what…? Tradition of an hour of watching stranger’s juicy buts? Let’s be honest, the sole fact that it is an issue in your relationship is a huge warning side. 

Post # 5
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

You can’t trust him??? My Fiance and I have our problems but if I thought for one minute he would lie to me about anything… I couldn’t be with him!  That’s me though. I think you should talk to him… Don’t tell him he can’t go.. Just let him know how it would make u feel..  If he truly loves you he would respect you… My fi asked if he could go w guys from work.. They wanted to take a 30 yr virgin bc they thought it would be funny.. I gave him the evil eye.. Then hours later I told him to do what he wanted, I would never stop him.. The next day he came home right after work. 😊

Post # 6
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

If you’re not comfortable you need to talk to him and find a resolution you are both ok with.

that said, I’m not a big fan of telling a grown man what to do. My husband is an adult, he’s not going to cheat on me and I don’t have a problem with strip clubs. If he wanted to go to one with the boys tomorrow I wouldn’t care. He did not have a bachelor party. There is nothing that he suddenly can’t do as a married man so there was no reason for a last hurra. I personally think the tradition of bachelors parties is sad because it’s built on the premise that the next day he’s going to be tied down by his wife and no longer ‘allowed” to do certain things

Be his wife not his mom. Decide what you’re ok with and tell him. No you can’t and shouldnt forbid him from going but you should be able to explain to him what you’re feeling and ask him to take you into account. If it’s really a hard limit for you and he still wants to go then maybe you guys shouldn’t be getting married.

 

Post # 7
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Boundaries are not about forbidding people to do something. It’s about setting what is okay in a relationship we’re in and what’s not. Some people do not practice fidelity – and that’s not my business. But for me fidelity is a requirement of a relationship, and while I can’t “forbid” my spouse to ever cheat on me per se, my boundary is that cheating has no place in my life, and if he ever did then, than the relationship would be over.

 

OP, don’t let others dictate what is appopriate for you and what’s not. There are people that are okay with stripclubs, there are people that find in unacceptable. You have the right to find in unacceptable. 

Post # 8
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

“2. He would probably just lie about it and I want him to feel confortable always telling me the truth.”

So he would lie to you if he knew that you would be upset/angry if he told you the truth? That’s pretty terrible. Your fi should be able to trust that he can tell you things that you may not want to hear. 

But, you have already told him that you’re not cool with the strip club. No, you can’t tell him what to do and not to do but as other PPs have said, he should want to respect your feelings and your relationship boundaries. If my DH told me that he was going to do something that I told him I wasn’t okay with because “it’s traditon”, we would have a serious problem. 

You shouldn’t have to tip toe around talking about things that you aren’t comfortable with. You are going to be marrying this person and spending the rest of your life with them. Everybody has things that they aren’t okay with. You need to lay them out there and be confident in yourself. 

 

Post # 9
Member
2735 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t want to make any ultimatum because 1.I trust him and 2. He would probably just lie about it and I want him to feel confortable always telling me the truth. 

Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bachelor-party-anxiety-plz-help-probably-tmi/#ixzz3eqBZwXfi

 

OP–so which is it?  On one hand you say you trust him, in the SAME paragrah you indicate he will lie to you! 

Post # 10
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

How does this night out in any way suggest he’s a grown up ready for marriage?

Post # 11
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You don’t have to play it cool.  You can be honest and tell him how you feel.  If he has respect for you he will honor your wishes.

Post # 13
Member
8368 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
ags88:  “I don’t want to make any ultimatum because 1.I trust him and 2. He would probably just lie about it” — Those can’t both be true. I guess they could be true, but if you know “he would probably lie” and you trust him anyway, well…. that’s not wise on your part.

Post # 14
Member
8368 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
ags88:  Just saw this update: “What I meant is that he would probably try to hid from me information that he tought was going to hurt me, lot lie to my face.

Not better. If he knows something is going to hurt you, he should NOT do that thing. Not DO it and then lie to you about it. Or if it’s something that you’re being silly about and it shouldn’t hurt you so he’s going to do it anyway, the respectful thing to do is to own it and be honest with you. Again, not do it and deceive you about it. That’s not being protective, it’s being disrespectful, saying you’re too immature or psychotic to handle the truth and too stupid to figure out the truth. So if you know he’s going to lie (about anything) it’s foolish of you to trust him (about anything).

Post # 15
Member
1364 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
tyene:  can’t say it any better than this

i think the whole bachelor party/strip club thing is so tacky. it’s like, “oh no, i have to commit to this woman i love for the rest of my life, better go get some stranger boobs rubbed in my face first!”

i think it’s an embarrassment to everyone involved. my Fiance is the type who would rather die than go to a strip club and be touched by a stripper so i have 0 concern about this, but if he was the type who felt the need to do this even after i told him i hated it then i would worry there were some deeper issues.

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