Bachelor party = call off wedding? Please help!

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

There have been many posts about other girls experiences/ reaction to strip clubs and it seems like there is a common consensus about this topic. If the two of you never talked about, or set boundries regarding your bachelor party, most Bees agree that calling off the wedding is a little extreme. However, if the boundries had been discussed and you simply disregarded them, then that would be an act of betraying her trust. After reading your post you state that you never talked about your party, therefore there was a lack of communication regarding lap dances. As I have informed other Bees, there are girls out there that don’t care about lap dances at bachelor parties, therefore we can’t all assume that all guys know "that girls don’t like this" because some just dont mind. As women we sometimes like to think certain things are just understood, and feel "he should of known" and the same goes with guys assuming things too, communcation is key.

Your situation sounds like a lack of communication, and if her feelings were so strong about lap dances, then the boudries really should of been laid out before you went to Vegas. It sounds like you don’t want a situation like this to happen again, meaning you want to ensure you and your Fiance have an open line of communication, and couseling will be a great place to gain tools on how to keep that line open.

Good luck to you both!

Post # 4
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Gosh.. its hard to reply to this! lol

First of all, your Fiance has a right to be upset.. after months of planning a perfect wedding for the 2 of you, its a bit of a slap in the face to most girls to celebrate a life with her by letting a stripper rub all over you. You need to be as understanding of her feelings as possible.

I think everyone has been in a position where alcohol replaces resposibility and we all know what peer pressure is like, but even those thoughts arent going to make her feel better.

Chances are, her love for you is stronger than this once occurance (assuming its not escalating behavior) and with time and help from you, she will eventually forgive you (but we never forget, just so ya know lol).

I personally think couples counselling is a great idea… and just being open and honest about how sorry you are will also help.

I know all of us ladies on here are pretty much totally against strippers at bachelor parties.. it really does make us think u feel less for us and disrespect us, and those thoughts dont change.. but it may help to take her to a strip club and let her see exactly what a lap dance entails… thoughts of it happening are much worse then what actually goes down…

 

Good luck with everything… just remember that her feelings are real and important and even though you may disagree.. she is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.. so whatever effort it takes to fix the problem is worth it.

Post # 5
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Well, I think the fact that you are here is a credit to you.  It’s impossible to pigeon-hole or say what is the right call for other individuals in this realm.  Some women wouldn’t be bothered by it all, while many of the women here would be.  I think it also depends on the individuals.  If there is a discussion and agreement beforehand, there is generally much less issue than when information is disclosed after the fact.  (That’s not meant to be a condemnation– it’s obviously to late to go back in time).

I don’t like to just default to recommending counseling, but in this case it might be just the thing to get you two on the right track.  I don’t think of it as "mumbo-jumbo", but rather an impartial observer that can help facilitate a productive discussion between the two of you, cutting through the emotionally laden content… to help you move forward.

You might want to start by looking on the psychology today website for counselors in your area.  Look for someone who specializes in couples or marriage and family counseling…  You definitely want someone who is used to working with couples. 

Good luck to you and welcome to Weddingbee (even if it is under crummy circumstances).  I hope you both get the resolution you need.

Post # 6
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Yikes! First off I am really sorry that you and your fiance are having problems with this. Second, defintely get couples couseling. It’s not mumbo-jumbo, its’ a safe place where you can both honestly discuss your feelings and have a professional help you learn to communicate with each other.

I see a two things wrong in your scenerio. One, your girfriend didn’t explicitly ask you not to go to a strip club. You didn’t know. If she has asked you not to go and you did, that would be another story.This is a perfect example how how you need to learn to communicate. Neither of you can just hope that the other knows what you want/need/think about something. It’s just not possible.

Two, if she’s reacting in such a strong way to something that you clearly explained why you did go (and I am assuming you assured her you’d never do it again) then I am inclined to think something else is going on with your relationship. It sounds to me like she’s projecting her trust issues on this particular event which she (and you) obviously need to deal with. See above comment on couples counseling.

Let me finish this by saying that while I do not like strip clubs, for a bachelor party I’ll make an exception. My Fiance is going to go to one where my brother in law will probably buy him a lap dance. It’s gross and my fiance has told me that. But its his bachelor party so I get it. But would I be ok with him getting lap dances at other people’s bachelor parties? No. Am I Ok with him going on a random Friday night. No. He knows this b/c I have Explicity Told Him So.

To your fiance – let me say this: Your fiance can not read your mind. Even if you thought he wasn’t "the type to do this" you were wrong but that doesnt mean he’ll do it again, nor does it mean you have completely wrong about his character. I do think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and figure out why you are reacting in such a strong manner to this. Is there something else bothing you? Is this an example of his regular behavior that bothers you? What about this is making you rethink your Entire future with this man? Why isn’t this just another fight where you disagree and explain what your needs/boundaries are to make sure it never happens again?

I wish you both the best of luck.

Post # 7
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

So, I am not sure if this is exaclty what you want to hear (and probably will not help for you to bring this up to your FI)…but I think she is overreacting. 

I am not thrilled about the idea of my Fiance getting a lap dance, but if it happens, so what?  As long as there is nothing further than that, I don’t see where you betrayed her.  It would be one thing if you had discussed the bachelor party before hand and she had expressed her feelings and then you went against her wishes).

I know that some women feel strongly about the lap dance thing.  Again, I don’t like them and don’t like the thought of my Fiance getting one during his bachelor party.  But, I am pretty sure that his friends will get him one.  He has explained to me that it isn’t necessarily his thing, but guys get them for each other on their bach parties because it is "tradition/funny." 

It seems like her feelings about the lap dance run deeper than the dance itself.  Is she willing to trash your relationship over one lap dance?  That seems a little odd.  If you have explained your position and feelings and so has she you should be able to move on as a couple. 

Couples counseling might not be a bad idea.  I don’t think that your behavior merits the need to attend counseling, but it seems that this is a relatively small issue in terms of issues that may come up in a marriage (disagreements over money, children, growing apart…) and that you should try to figure out a good way to communicate before you tie the knot.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
405 posts
Helper bee

I agree with everything AnnieAAA said.

I don’t mean any of this to offend, and I certainly don’t know your situation other than what you’ve told us, so I’m just throwing out ideas as they come to me.

I hate to be the one to ask/say this but could there be some other underlying "issue" (for lack of a better word) that caused her to feel this way? I’m not saying that she feels you’ve been unfaithful or anything like that but perhaps she has some other stress that is causing her to (in my opinion) over-react. I’m just trying to give all points of view. I’m wondering if there is some other reason she may want to call off the wedding but is using this as the reason… I don’t necessarily think that’s the case, but it came to mind. It sounds like your Fiance has some insecurity and that may also be why she feels betrayed… Again – just throwing out ideas.

Has your Best Man explained to her that he bought it, that you looked/felt uncomfortable, etc.? That may or may not help but it’s worth a try.

I honestly think that reading these boards, and doing research about lap dances, etc. was a bad idea (again, in my opinon). I know my Fiance would be uncomfortable with a lap dance and so I wouldn’t be upset with him if his friend bought one for him (I’d be upset with the friend) because I know that he’d be uncomfortable, etc., but if I read the boards while being upset already then I’d be even more upset, because there are quite a few threads with this title.

I think couples therapy CAN help but only if both parties are open to it.

Best of luck!

Post # 9
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If this is an isolated incident (ie you are not a regular at the strip club) and your relationship is otherwise healthy than I say go to counseling and get it sorted out. By no means is this a reason to call of the wedding.

However if your fiance could looking for a reason to get out of the relationship and using this as an escape hatch.

Part of getting married is committing yourself to care about each others feelings as well as having forgiveness when those feelings are hurt.

I am not a fan of strip clubs. But I don’t think that a lap dance from a stripper is such a big deal. Now if you slept with the stripper then yeah that is a much larger problem.

Go to counseling and see what is happening to cause such mistrust about this incident because it sounds like there may be some underlying issues somewhere. 

Post # 10
Member
45 posts
Newbee

Let me say that I told my husband that I did not want strippers to be a part of his bachelor party.  Thankfully, his party was planned by his already married brother and was fun but not x-rated.  Otherwise I might have been in a difficult situation as well.  However, I can’t imagine calling off the wedding if a stripper had showed up.  

My husband sounds kind of like you.  He doesn’t like strip clubs or lap dances.  He’s been to some before for bachelor parties and birthday parties and accidentally got a dance when he bought one for the birthday boy (the stripper decided to give him one as well).  And I could see him a) going to the club to follow his friends (he’s very polite and social and would have felt obligated to find them) and b) accidentally getting a lap dance and not stopping it.  I know that I come first to him and that I can 100% trust him, but I also know that he’s human and he sometimes makes "dumb" mistakes (ones that seem obvious to me, but weren’t obvious to him at the time).  He’s good on knowing what is definitely not allowed–we both agree on that–but he sometimes does things that he doesn’t realize will be such a big deal to me.

I think that counseling would help.  I see this as a matter of "perspective," and I think that counseling could help with that.  As a girl, I can see how my husband getting a lap dance would make me feel jealous and disrespected and not good enough for him, etc.  But I can also see the side that "it’s not that big of a deal."  I have this same problem with porn.  On one hand I understand that it’s fairly harmless and doesn’t mean he finds me less attractive or wants me less.  Yet sometimes it makes me a little jealous and I just find it so hard to understand why he needs porn when he has me.  As a married couple, I think you’ll find this difference of perspective coming up on many other issues.  It’s hard sometimes to see things from another person’s point of view.  And this doesn’t have to be large things.  It can be something as small as why he should put the toilet seat down vs. why he should leave it up.

I also see an issue of forgiveness here.  I think that marriage (and love in general) requires a lot of forgiveness.  True, there are some things that cannot be forgiven (although even that is not black and white).  But married life does involve a lot of forgiveness because no matter how similar you are and how great you are together, there are going to be times that you don’t agree or get mad. 

Post # 11
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I really think your fiancee is overreacting.  Bachelor parties involving strip clubs are extremely common is this country, and I personally do not think that getting a lap dance makes you a bad person. It is not cheating, and it definitely doesn’t make you unfit to marry. 

As others have said, if you and your Fiance had previously discussed this issue and she’d asked you not to do it, then maybe she would have a right to feel betrayed by your having done it.  But if she had never expressed a negative opinion about lap dances until you had one, she does not have the right to be angry at you for doing something that she’d never told you she didn’t want you to do.

My Fiance is also "not the type of guy" who would really enjoy a strip club. He has told me that the one time he went to one (his brother’s bachelor party) was one of the most disgusting experiences of his life. But if for some reason he ends up going to one at his own bachelor party and getting a lap dance, I probably won’t even be fazed.  I love him and want to marry him, and I know that he’s 100 times more attracted to me than he’ll ever be to some stranger who sells her body.

Basically, I don’t think you did anything wrong, but I don’t have any real advice either. I hope everything turns out well for you.

Post # 12
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think what it ultimately comes down to is communication.  As someone else has wrote, you can’t read her mind and she can’t read yours.  I’m currently receiving in the midst of my doctoral program for psychology and I have done quite a bit of couples therapy in my training.  I think first, that you should be commended for wanting to attend and work these issues out.  That’s awesome!  Second, it’s important to find a counselor that you both work well with and that you’re able to develop a strong rapport with – not everyone is a good fit.  Third, if nothing else, it can’t hurt!  I think it will only serve to help you both learn how to communicate in a healthy and appropriate manner.  To have an objective point of view and have someone with experience in this area providing you with advice, recommendations, and suggestions for how to work on your issues can only be beneficial.

Best of luck!

Post # 13
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think its great that you are looking into couples counseling.

I personally dont think lap dances are a big deal/ or strip clubs and the like. Maybe its because of how young me and my Fiance are but things like this aren’t a big deal in our relationship.I dance with other guys and its no big deal- but thats us.

 If you wanted to cheat in Vegas you would have, and wouldn’t have even told her about the lap dance in the first place. I think she may just in general have trust issues with you that need to be resolved before you get married.

I’ve also noticed, and not trying to start trouble in anyones relationships, but the people who become the most vocal critics and usually the ones who have something to hide themselves. You’ve heard that people who cheat are usually the ones who constantly think they are being cheated on, well maybe she is that type of girl and is afraid that you are that type of guy because she is. Just a thought

And what is wrong with a lap dance? Different boats for different follks. Maybe you should give her a lap dance and see if she likes it

 

Post # 14
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This is a tough one. I tend to agree with Habibi that it seems like there may be something else going on in this relationship. Now, I can’t (and won’t) judge a situation that I don’t know all sides to, but I will give my opinion of what you have said.

I am suprised that the topic of limits for your bachelor (and her bachelorette) party never came up. It seems to me to be fairly common knowledge that bachelor parties tend to get wild (depending on the people, of course) and involve strippers or strip clubs.

And it’s also petty common knowledge that Vegas is a common location for bachelor parties and debauchery. 

She knows you’ve been to strip clubs for other bachelor parties, so it doesn’t seem that far off that you would go for yours (and I’m sure it wasn’t necessarily your idea, either). 

If you both have talked about this before, I’m surprised that it didn’t come out again before the bachelor. There had to be at least a small llittle thought in the back of your head that this would happen. And since you’re marrying this girl, I would assume that you know her pretty well, too. So it’s really confusing as to how this could have happened. 

Plus, she was ok with it until she googled it. What did she find when she googled it? Did you tell her what happened? Did she think that something beyond typical lapdance stuff happened? DID anything beyond a simple lap dance happen? Was there touching, kissing, or anything else going on?

My opinion is that she does seem to be overreacting.  Without specifically asking you not to, or even bringing up the subject, she really has no reason to feel betrayed. Now, I’m not saying she’s not feeling betrayed, but it just doesn’t seem logical in this instance.

This leads me to believe there is some other issue going on with the two of you and if you are both having difficulty communicating about it then, yes, I think it’s a good idea to go to counseling.

My fiance and I go to counseling. It’s not as big a deal as everyone makes it. It’s a way to learn how to better communicate.

Best of luck to the both on you.

Post # 15
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have to say that imho, calling off a wedding because of this dance is unusual.  My guy has been to numerous bachelor parties and he will have one also.  Neither of us decide what the other can do, but we have BOUNDARIES in place and infidelity is far out of the question but (my opinion) this does not qualify as infidelity.

I think that contacting a licensed professional with recommendations from your church or minister (make sure the professional is pro-marriage as there are some who imho are not) and this will open up lines of communication between the two of you.

If you two have not discussed firm boundaries with each other, this can be an outstanding opportunity to begin to lay down a firm foundation for the future with one another. 

Don’t give up hope.  Be open, honest to her, and listen empathetically.

Again, I’ll have a bachelorette party if I choose to and we are a wonderful, faithful, loving couple and have faith and trust in each other.  Fidelity is part of the deal, but to me, I don’t consider that as being unfaithful to your fiancee.

Post # 16
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with the above posters that I would only consider calling off a wedding if I had explicitly told my Fiance that it would be very hurtful if he got a lap dance, and that he chose to do so anyway.  Since you are not in that category, I would consider this a much less serious incident.  

Your Fiance is very hurt, and is worried that if you really loved her you would never have done this to her.  You need to sit down with her and let her tell you exactly how angry and hurt she is.  Then you need to acknowledge that you understand her pain, and promise that you will never do this again.  Then you need to show her through your actions how much you love her and make her feel safe again.  Try to think about her favorite things – does she love certain foods, have a hobby, or like certain movies?  Have a Fiance day, where you do whatever she loves to do (this may involve painful chick flicks like Bride Wars) and buy her small gifts (like her favorite candy or brushes if she likes to paint) to show her how well you know her and how much you care about what is important to her.  Good luck! 

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