(Closed) Bachelor party = call off wedding? Please help!

posted 11 years ago in Parties
Post # 17
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I agree with most of the other posters here.

I think that throwing away a loving relationship over a lap dance is a massive over-reaction (especially so if the circumstances are as you describe and the issue hadn’t been previously discussed).

So if it is the case that this lap dance is the only reason your fiancee wants to end your relationship, think long and hard about whether or not you want to marry her!

Couples counseling may help- since the counselor can serve as an impartial mediator for you to resolve this- if possible.

However, I would have a long talk with your fiancee about what else she would end your relationship over.  If a lap dance is cause for a breakup, will there be other issues that are deal breakers?

Also do some soul searching of your own- do you really want to marry a woman that would end a relationship over a lap dance?  Marriage is full of hardship and compromise.  If your fiancee can’t overcome this issue, what does that say about your chances for longterm happiness?

Post # 18
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

First, I think you deserve some credit for coming "here" and asking "us" for our help. You know your fiance takes what people say on these boards to heart and I think and this may be a good starting point for future conversations.

I agree with the comments above about the communication thing. You both need to make it clear how you feel about certain issues and make sure the other person knows, especially if it is a "deal breaker" issue. Talking to a counselor may be a good idea for you.

My fiance sounds a lot like you in the fact that he doesn’t like/go to strip clubs except for bachelor parties and doesn’t like strippers in general. What I don’t understand is why you feel bad cause you "cannot get enthusiastic over this girl when you know it is just a job for her." True, it is a job but do you walk into the gas station and feel bad that you are not enthusiastic when you are paying for your take of gas and a soda? Personally, I think I would be pissed to here my fiance got "enthusiastic" over a stripper (and I know you didn’t), but you may just want to leave that point alone as I don’t think it will get you far.

Another thing I find odd is why, after the other group of friends split off because they didn’t want to spend money on bottle service at the club, they went to a strip club and he then bought you a lap dance. It’s just weird cause usually if you are looking to not spend a lot of money, you wouldn’t head to a strip club.

Personally, I don’t think taking her to a strip club to see a lap dance will help. She may have thoughts of what goes on and seeing it and envisioning you on the receiving end may cause more hurt than help.

Good luck to both of you and I hope everything will work out for the best!

Post # 19
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m going to go ahead and echo pretty much exactly what Erindesmar said. I’ve been to a strip club before (not in Vegas and it was kinda trashy) and I got a lapdance from a girl. It was awkward but after seeing what it was like I really didn’t get the hype. I trust that the girl did to me pretty much what she would do to a guy. That being said, I know some women go CRAZY about their men going to strip clubs. While it would not be my first, second, or 100th choice of something to do on a Friday night, if you want to do it for your Bach party, I say whatever.

I’ve had a lot of conversations with both men and women, and I’ve come to realize that many women just don’t "get" why a man would want to go to a strip club. Personally, I think it’s kind of silly to go to one, but like I said before, what.ev.er. 

A previous posted touched on something that I think is a good point: is there an underlying issue here? Have you done things in the past that might warrant this type of response from her? Is there something within her own life that is making her question her committment to the relationship? Counseling might help bring these feelings out if they are there. And if none of that applies, counseling is still a good idea anyway. 

Also, and this is coming from a girl with lots of girlfriends with lots of opinions, your fiance might be getting earfuls from her friends. Her friends might just be feeding the fire, if you will, and telling her that what you did was SO WRONG that she MUST call it off. Girls love drama and gossip so it’s not unfair to think that what she’s hearing from others is playing a part in this as well. 

I hope it all works out, and I think you’re absolutely taking the right steps by coming here and also by eventually showing her this. Good luck to you both. 

Post # 20
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

i agree with what some other posts have stated that she is over reacting. Nowadays, I think women are aware that a strip club is a highly probable stop during a bachelor party.If she felt that strongly about you going to one, she should have brought it up prior to the trip. The fact that she is upset now and blaming you is unfair. While I can respect her feelings and opinion that a strip club and lap dance aren’t something she is comfortable with, i think (for most men) it is about a fun night out they will only do once and has nothing to do with the strippers, but all about hanging out with the guys. I don’t think the majority of guys ever have intentions of cheating or doing something they shouldn’t with a stripper. Its their night to celebrate their transition guy-style.

I know my fiance will go to a strip club and will probably have a lap dance, and I’m all for him having fun with the understanding that it is just a fun night out where there still are boundries. I know my thoughts on the subject are a little more liberal, but I’m confident in our relationship.

Couples therapy would be a good step for you two, but it sounds like she needs to really work through some issues and you both need to establish a clear definition of behavior/activities that are ok with the other. 

Post # 21
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I too think your Fiance is overreacting, and I feel like the whole issue boils down to a trust problem.  I don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong, especially since you told her everything that happened instead of a "what happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas" attitude.  If she’s willing to call off the entire wedding because you were honest with her about what happened, so be it. I promimse I’m not saying that lightly, but you were truthful with her, she knows the type of person you truly are, and if this situation is worth throwing away your future together, what kind of future would that have been?

I’m sorry to sound so callous, but this really rubs me the wrong way.   I’ve seen so many of my friends fight over similar situations, and it’s always the girlfriends/wives who have never been to a strip club.  I call it the fear of the unknown, because chances are, had your Fiance seen the stripper who had given the lap dance, she probably would have laughed at her own insecurity.  As you yourself said, it’s her job.  Your best friend paid for the lap dance, and I guarantee there were all the guys in your party egging the entire situation on.  

I think you definitely should consider couple’s therapy.  You have to be able to trust each other when you’re not together, and the lines of communication have to be open, which right now, they clearly aren’t.

I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully your Fiance will see that this is not worth calling off the wedding.

Post # 22
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ok, I just need to completely second what EAQ219 says.

Post # 23
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I don’t want to offend anyone with this. But In My Humble Opinion going to a strip club for your bachelor party and getting a lap dance is no big deal. My fiance loves me, respects me and has no interest in having sex with a stripper. He thinks I am beautiful with no makeup on in sweatpants so there is no reason for me to feel threatened by a stripper, which if you’ve ever been you’ll often see they aren’t much to write home about. By the time we get married, we will have been together for three years and he has been to a strip club once for a bachelor party. I might feel differently if he went every Friday night.

While I have no interest in going to a strip club for my own bachelorette party I’ve gone for others and I’ve gone to a female strip club for a male friend’s birthday.  I know he’s going and his friends will probably buy him a lap dance. And at the end of the night he will come home to me.

Do I think it is a shame women disrepect themselve like that? Yes. But no one is forcing them to take their clothes off for money.

I feel like when women make a huge deal about these stipper issues there are much deeper underlying trust and security issues.  I don’t think you did anything wrong and frankly you didn’t even have to tell her, kudos to you for being open and honest with her.

I think couples counseling would be a good idea because I think there are issues here beyond this one incidence, such as communication and trust – things you need to have a strong marriage. Good for you for being open to starting your marriage off on a strong foot. best of luck!

 

 

Post # 24
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Absolutely, 100% agree with catrelle63 & sarsk624! Women make a big deal of the strip club issue because they are insecure. I think every women should go to one to see that all their over stressing about the situation was unnessary. In fact, i’ve been to a couple bachelorette parties where the bride-to-be has acted questionable…strip clubs aren’t the only places for bad behavior.

Post # 25
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

I ditto Colleen!  I have seen brides to be make out in regular old bars with random guys on their bparties.  Way more inappropriate than a lap dance.

Post # 26
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

In your fiance’s defense, this is an issue that came up recently in my relationship, and I also had a strong reaction.  My Fi and I have been together for 4.5 years, and he has always said he doesn’t like strippers, strip clubs, etc…  But when a work friend jokingly mentioned that he would take my Fi to a strip club while I was at a bridal shower, he suddenly seemed interested.  I was upset because it seemed like what he’d been telling me all along about not being interested in strippers was a lie.  It seemed, to me, that he had been telling me these things for our entire relationship just because he thought it was what I wanted to hear instead of telling me the truth.

After I intially got angry at him (I didn’t call off the wedding, but I did call him skeazy and a misogynist ) he explained that the things he had said before were true.  He isn’t interested in going to a strip club or having lap dances, etc…  But he did have some curiosity about what all the hype was about, he was feeling a little peer-pressured to accept, and if someone offerred, he didn’t want to turn down the opportunity to go out and have fun with some guy friends since I was going to be having fun with all my girlfriends at the bridal shower.

I guess my feelings are that maybe your fiance is feeling betrayed because of the differences in what you have been saying versus what you actually did.  I believe all your excuses are valid, but (if she’s like me) it might seem that you are just saying those things because she wants to hear them, not because they are true.  You need to make your fiancee understand that you still believe in the same things, but that your excuses are also true.  She needs to be reassured that this behavior isn’t a part of who you are, but a one-time experience that helped shape your resolve not to do it again.

I totally second everyone else’s suggestions to open the lines of communication, and I think counseling is an excellent way to do this.  Good luck, and keep us posted on the outcome.

Post # 27
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m going to venture a guess that something is going on that was not included in this post.  Maybe you never discussed your bachelor party specifically, but I’d be kind of surprised if you’d never ever discussed what the two of you were comfortable with before.  Have I talked with my Fiance about his bachelor party? No.  Does he know that I feel that lap dances are borderline cheating? Yes.  Maybe he isn’t doing anything, but he isn’t stopping her from doing anything either.  But really, if your communication is so bad that the two of you have discussed anything like this before, maybe it’s best that she’s calling it off.

Post # 28
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

If I were in her position, I wouldn’t be happy about it, but what I’d take out of the experience is that I probably wouldn’t have to worry about you ever lying to me.  I won’t have to wonder where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing.  Because, frankly, I think you knew that it would upset her (even if she hadn’t told you explicitly) and even though you did it anyway (which you admit was a mistake, try not to let it happen again), you still came home and told her about it.  If I were her, I’d feel more betrayed if you’d lied and said it hadn’t happened and then I found out about it years later.  *That* would make me wonder what else you were hiding. 

Clearly others disagree with me, but I think your Fiance had a gross over-reaction.  There are sooooooo many bigger fish to fry in a relationship and this shouldn’t have even made it onto the boat. 

Post # 29
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I don’t think this is about whether going to a strip club for your bachelor party is ok, or not ok. It doesn’t matter what any of us think about our fiances getting lap dances. What matters is how YOUR fiance feels about YOU getting a lap dance.

 She feels betrayed, she feels cheap and she feels stupid. THAT is what you need to focus on, not whether or not strip clubs are ok. Some people think they are fine, others don’t. That is an individual opinion and it is not up to us to judge whether or not it is an acceptable reason to call off a wedding. If your fiance is ready to call off the wedding, which will cause a lot of financial and emotional stress on her, and to give up everything that both of you have put into this relationship for however long (years?) you have been together, then you have a big problem.

I think that the most important thing is that she feels betrayed. Whether or not someone(her or you) specifically said "No strip clubs," you must know her pretty well so you must have known her feelings about  them before you went. You also seem to give a lot of excuses as to why you went (you felt bad, you hadn’t seen people etc. etc. Clearly your best man & your other group of friends didn’t feel bad enough for not hanging out with you to leave what they were doing…) and a lot of excuses as to how you didn’t enjoy it. The last thing your fiance wants is excuses. You made a huge mistake in your relationship– whether that stemmed from miscommunication (by not talking about what is and is not acceptable in your relationship) or by lack of judgement on your part is something only you know.

I think the best thing you can do right now is TALK to your fiance. My guess is that she might be willing to listen if you talk to her about your honest feelings (your feelings for her, and feelings about the situation), rather than give her excuses. I’m not saying that all guys going to strip clubs are wrong, but YOU crossed a boundary (whether it was voiced or not) and by asking us if she is overreacting, you are basically stating that you think her feelings aren’t justified.  Her feeligns don’t have to be justified- she doesn’t need to prove that her feelings are right or wrong– it is simply how she feels and this emotion is going to continue to overwhelm her if you try to convince her that she shouldn’t feel this way. Instead of trying to convince her to feel something she doesn’t, try to make her comfortable again. Let her know what you are thinking, how you feel, etc etc.   

 As others have mentioned, it seems like some of this has come from a lack of communication. In order to avoid something like this from happening again, you guys are going to need to communicate about where you go from here & what is and is not acceptable to BOTH of you in your relationship.

Post # 30
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

My fiance and I have discussed bachelor and bachelorette parties and set out bounderies for them, but they are basically obvious and the same boundaries that we generally expect from each other every day. I agree with what Colleen216 said: bad behavior can occur anywhere. And if I behave as some bachelorettes do by making out with strangers or anything, I fully expect my fiance to be angry and even end our relationship. I won’t be doing that at my bachelorette, just as I won’t do it tonight or any other night.

That being said, I know there are certain expectations from the groomsmen/friends throwing the bachelor party that the groom will do certain things including getting a lap dance. Like you, my fiance has expressed disgust with strip clubs so I don’t expect him to do it, but if he does I would NOT call off the wedding. I actually would have way more of a problem if he paid for a lap dance himself because I wouldn’t like him spending our money on another woman, but if his friends buy him one, and he goes along with it, ok. I admit I do think its gross and I might feel a little icked out by him afterwards, but no way would I throw away our relationship over it.

Post # 31
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

If I were in your fiancee’s shoes (and I’m thankful I’m not), the issue would not be about the lap dance itself or the stripper, but about you and your disrespect toward me.  I would not be jealous of the lap dance, I would be hurt that you allowed it to happen.  I agree with other posters that I sense other underlying trust or insecurity issues here.  Instead of focusing on this one-time incident, you may need to have a much bigger and broader discussion with your fiancee before you put that wedding ring on her finger.

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