(Closed) Bachelor party = call off wedding? Please help!

posted 11 years ago in Parties
Post # 32
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

First of all, couples counseling/pre-marital counseling is a really good thing.  From a good therapist, it’s definately not a bunch of psychoanalytic mumbo-jumbo.  Ideally, it is a set of lessons in how to effectively communicate about the issues in your lives – which it sounds like you definately need.   Do expect to have to actually talk about a lot of things – including this issue – because if you’re not willing to do that, there’s not much value in going.

On your main question, I feel a little differently than most of the posters.  My husband is the kind of guy who also doesn’t enjoy strip clubs, and most of his friends are married, and would be in huge trouble if they went to one.  Regardless, he has a couple of single/divorced friends who were really pushing the issue in planning his bachelor party.  My issue was this:  What kind of "friends" actually would try to pressure him into doing something he has already said he doesn’t want to do?  Especially something that they know might upset me?  And what does it say about him as a man if simple peer pressure can force him into a situation that we both agree is normally not acceptable behavior?  After discussing those questions, in detail, he decided that he would be much happier with a bachelor party that just didn’t include those guys.  And honestly, although it wasn’t my decision, I was much happier too.

Saying that it wasn’t your choice – that you didn’t even enjoy it – that your best man and the rest of your friends sort of forced you into it – really doesn’t make it better, in my opinion.  Actually, it sort of begs the question, what other things (that you’ve already said are things that you don’t do or don’t enjoy) are your friends going to talk you into?  This might seem like a silly question to you – but I would bet that it’s a big part of what is going through your FI’s mind.  You have pretty clearly demonstrated that the lines that govern your normal behavior don’t necessarily apply when you’re with your buddies.  So is this a one-time, bachelor-party thing?  Or can she expect that you’ll be blowing by boundaries on a regular basis when your best man plans the parties?  And is there a line past which you just won’t go?  Or are there more things that you’ll go along with just to be a good sport, or not to look bad in front of your friends?

I think the "right" answer to the question of whether strip clubs are okay depends on both you and your Fiance.  Just because it’s okay with some women doesn’t mean it has to be okay with her.  Just because some guys enjoy it doesn’t mean you have to go along for the ride.  You do either need to both agree where the line gets drawn.  And to have a meaningful discussion about it, you need to stop making excuses and figure out why you really ended up in this situation, and your Fiance needs to figure out what really bothers her about that.  I wish you both the best of luck – it’s not an easy discussion to have honestly.  I do think it is worth doing.  I have friends who, after years of marriage, still have serious fights and bad feelings over this exact issue.  You don’t really want to end up that way, I’m sure.

Post # 33
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

So many are giving thier opinions…and I see that many things I would say..have already been said. But, I am on the side of the woman who say that not only is it NOT a big deal…you were not told beforehand what the rules were and so it is not fair to act as though you have betrayed her.

 My main reason for replying is to urge you to see a therapist together. I think communication, or lack there of, is one of the biggest issues in relationships. If people would just TALK to each other …and try to see things from the other person’s perspective…so many fights could just be ended at that.

I think talking to someone is the best idea.

Often when we fight and are hurt…we are not even listening to the other person

Sounds like to resolve things with your Fiance, you need a 3rd party to help mediate it and help you both hear what the other is saying.

 

Post # 34
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Not sure if I have much new to add, but here are my thoughts.

1 – Kudos to you for caring enough to come here

2- I think that most people would not freak out this much over something they hadn’t discussed before if there wasn’t something else on her mind.  Something is causing her to not trust you the way she should – stress? past experience?  I don’t know, she might not know, but a therapist can probably help you get to the bottom of it

3- Whether you say you enjoyed it or not, of try to explain that it wasn’t your idea – none of that matters.  She feels betrayed by the act, the other stuff is irrelevant.

Not that it matters, but I have gotten a lap dance before, and I know mine was pretty darn similar to what the guys were getting.  It really was no big deal.  Not that I would love my husband getting them often, but at a bach party every now and again? I could handle it. Lucky me, there were no strippers at this party so no worries 🙂

Post # 35
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Mrs. Spring said everything that I was thinking.  If it were me, I would be upset because, even though you didn’t explicitly discuss going to a strip club and getting a lap dance, your actions went against your feelings towards strippers/strip clubs you discussed with your fiance. If "you get creeped out" by strippers, a natural ASSUMPTION is that you wouldn’t go to a strip club.  So, I’m guessing your fiance didn’t feel the strong need to discuss with you, and tell you how much she would be hurt if you went to a strip club.  The issue is a failure to communicate–on both ends. Talk to your Fiance.  Counseling is always a good idea. If you haven’t considered pre-marital counseling, its a good idea too.

Post # 36
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve seen more than a few threads posted in here by angry and frustrated women who found out that their future husbands would partake in lap dances without their knowledge or their consent. Most of the time it’s due to the fact that the couple just hasn’t really discussed that type of scenario, and so there is a lack of knowledge on both ends about what the other person considers acceptable. In your situation, it definitely sounds like you’re both on the same page in terms of expectations (despite the fact that you may not have made them explicit before the party) but you found it acceptable in the circumstances of your night to partake in that whereas she really didn’t, and so it fell out-of-bounds in a manner of speaking.

I think the facts that work in your favor are that you did not ask nor encourage your best man to buy you a lap dance, the fact that you historically have not thought they were anything special and this one was certainly no exception, and the fact that you were up-front with her about this the whole time.

I would say that right now, you are not convincing her that she is your special one-and-only. It might be an indication of low self-esteem on her end (I say might because this is total speculation)- maybe she thinks that she can’t compare to some of the other women, and you getting a lap dance was a way of proving her fears to be true. You need to help her feel special and sexy and like she has a lot of self-worth.

I have never been to couples counseling (though I’ve been through a few really bad counselors) so I’m hesitant to recommend it, but if she’s really not seeing your side of this then it might be the way to go. Good luck!

Post # 37
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Okay, I was intrigued when I first read this post and the more I read, the harder my heart pounded. I can say that I have definite opionions about this, but the major issue here is definitely communication. I am an encore bride, and my groom is also. We have discussed this at length. We both come from previous marriages where infidelity was an issue, so it is a hot button topic for both of us. I feel that if you wouldn’t say it or do it in front of me, then you shouldn’t say it or do it. He has whole heartedly agreed and has given me some opinions of his own-which are even stronger than some of mine.

I understand the celebration, but I’m of the camp that celebrating the beginning of our life together by watching another/other women remove their clothes-disrespectful, unnecessary, and unacceptable to me. I also have a hard time justifying activities involving strippers by saying that I am at a bridal shower illogical-I’m sorry. This probably won’t win me any friends here, but I find a comparison of opening gifts & visiting with girlfriends and relatives to be a poor comparison to consuming massive amounts of alchohol and watching someone take their clothes off and/or rub all over you-they can’t be compared.

All of that being said-let me restate that we have talked about this and we feel the same way. This is what is right for us. For us only. I’m not trying to put my opinion on anyone else and I certainly don’t mean to sound like a prude (because I assure you, I am not!) but we are just not doing this. If someone else wants to do it, fine-I think that is great-this is just my personal opinion.

Post # 38
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that she was reacting to one of the posts I saw here recently in which many people suggested that lap dances aren’t just lap dances – that in vegas and many other joints they turn into prostitution. there were also others that I recall suggesting that lap dances weren’t no-touch, and that a lot of, um,  "rubbing" tends to occur. if thats the case, i would have had the same reaction. is she maybe thinking you are avoiding telling her about sex, or something else, not just a lap dance? maybe you need to be clear about what posts she read and what it is she is accusing you of. 

councilling is great, and I would seriously recommend a liscenced professional over a religious councelor. My FH and I have spent many hours at one and have never felt closer, after a year of many fights which ended in "I’m gonna call it off". Its not just communication, its getting into all sorts of issues either of you may have been represssing or deciding not to talk about beacuse you didn’t want to make things akward/loose each other. it may be a great way to bring her back to the table and a controlled way to talk about what happened.

kudos for posting on the weddingbee – keep us updated.

Post # 39
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry, I didn’t get through everyone’s posts, so forgive me.  I give you credit for coming on here.  I hope your Fiance at least sees that as a sign that you truly love her.  I’d like to say that saying someone who hates strippers and lap dances is insecure, is way too judgemental.  (It might be true, but could honestly be not true at all.)  Besides that, I hope your Fiance does come around here, during counseling, or before. 

The fact that you didn’t discuss your expectations beforehand should be a reason enough to not call off the wedding.  But I can appreciate not liking strippers etc.  And I think at the least, she is probably so upset that she is dreaming away at your life together.  So it hurts when this whole "dreamy" process involves immoral, seedy activites.  Strippers really shouldn’t be part of a wedding tradition (IMO).  But I think you seem sincere in not wanting to go, nor enjoying the lap dance.

I don’t know how much longer you have until the wedding.  But I would try to make it up to her by being really focused on your marriage preparation now.  (I’m assuming you’ve made some apology already.)  Be involved in the wedding planning.  Discuss all the wonderful stuff about the two of you being married.  Unless there is something else going on, I think the counseling will help.   Good luck.

Post # 40
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Is your fiance seriously debating calling off the wedding?

Do you both generally talk about everything and anything- the good, the bad and the unpleasant with each other? What I mean by this is, have you guys sat down and pretty much said: "If this were to happen I would feel this way…"

Did you have any inkling before you went to your bachelor party that she had strong feelings against the whole strip club thing?

Honestly, I don’t think strip clubs are a big deal. I think I have learned though, on these bridal boards that some girls have very strong convictions against them. and often I am surprised when a brides says "I am disgusted" and feel strongly about calling off the wedding. (check out the link I imbedded- there was a huge hoopla of women who put in their opinions on that post about their feelings on strip clubs in general) oh and check out this other link that is a follow up post to the previous post: Bachelor Party Spoiler

If your fiance has a problem with you being at a strip club after she goes online to look up what a strip club entails (because- after reading the two posts I linked into this one- I have to tell you, I had no idea how extreme strip clubs can get) but if my fiance (who also dislikes strip clubs too mind you- he thinks they are silly, he went with his med school buddies back in the day like ten yrs ago, and didn’t like them and he expressed much the same thing you did about feeling like the whole experience was just ridiculous) says nothing happened I know nothing happened because I trust my man. I dunno. I am thinking she is forgetting who you are or at least over looking that. Doesn’t all the time dating, and getting to know one another, and investing in each other mean nothing all because of one night? But see this question depends on who answers it- because many women have different ideas as to what consitutes "cheating".

You, my friend are in a tough position. But at least you are willing to do anything to rectify it. I give you props for that. 

But I will tell you I don’t think you did anything wrong. If I were your significant other, and you were honest with me, and there is a history of honesty & trust between the two of us- I would take your word and marry you anyways. But there are girls out there who do feel strongly about this.

So- it seems your fiance falls in this category of it just being the deal breaker. So ask her, "Is this the deal breaker??? After all these yrs of being together, this is what is going to keep you from loving me and having faith in us for the end of our days???" If so- do you want to be with someone who won’t trust you?

Yeah you can go to Marriage counseling… -but I know I could have dealt with this with my future hubby on my own rationally. If your fiance is having arguments with you (or even the other way around where you are not being constructive in the disagreement) where she (or you) are not displaying rational thought and is being over emotional– or the conversation is heading in a unhealthy direction then maybe you need a mediator to redirect the interaction to the real meat and potatoes as to how to reach resolving this, how to move on from this, & why she feels the way she does. The counselor will be able to help you both explore each other’s feelings and give you tools to better ways of working through tough conversations.

And while you are around the board(s), let us know how everything worked out. This community likes hearing happy endings… and I hope that is what happens with you two!!!

Post # 41
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I just wanted to restate, to anyone who reads that and thinks that I am too strict or uptight or whatever, that this is what is right for us. I think the boundaries that exist in each relationship are dependent on those within that relationship and no one can make those decisions except the two of you.

I do applaud you for coming on weddingbee-literally walking into the hive took alot of courage. Reading all of these posts from bees who may or may not agree with you takes courage too.

That being said-we will be having "bachelor/bachelorette" parties-but in a different kind of way. We both feel that it is about celebrating with your friends-so the guys are going golfing (and staying at his parents afterwards-he’s sure they’ll be too tipsy to drive and his folks live in the golf/county club and his dad is a part of the celebration) and some girlfriends are coming over here-to my house actually-and we are having a champagne brunch-at which we are going to oooh and ahhh over gifts, look at pictures from high school and college, and just hang out in general.

Post # 42
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

My fiancee and I just went through this last week, and literally, I was ready to call off my wedding- for a party that isnt happening for another month. Everyone is right, we are each entitled to our own opinion, and your fiancee has hers. Your job is to figure out how you two can work this out together. It is complicated because it wasnt previously discussed, so your idea for counseling sounds great. Marriage, not just a wedding, takes a ton of work. Without open communication, you are bound to have many miscommunications. My fiancee’s Bridesmaid or Best Man was going overboard on the raunch and taking it out of the strip club, I put my foot down. As others have stated, I view all of these celebrations are the beginning of our life together. There is no part of a mostly naked woman rubbing herself over my guy that says  "wow, this is a great start to marrying the girl of my dreams". If anyone is naked near him at this point, it should be me. I resent that it is assumed that its a right of passage for guys, and they should just do it because of the party. But, this is my opinion, and clearly for my Fi and I to work out. Just talk to yours, the more you talk the more likely you are to sort it out. Also, realize she may be upset about what this means in the future- what happens at other guys parties? Address it all now, and you will get back on track.

Post # 43
Member
12 posts
Newbee

Congratulations on having a fiancee that is secure enough to not want to put up with crap, and to not rationalize your excuses. There are a lot of problems with your behavior.  You mislead your fiancee by telling her you were creeped out by strippers.  Also, I don’t agree that this was a miscommunication, except on your part.  If you plan to have naked women rubbing themselves on you, it is up to YOU to ask her if she is comfortable with it.  She does not need to provide you with a list of acceptable activities before you go out.   Similarly, I presume that you would expect her to ask you before she undressed and rubbed herself all over some guy, and that her saying that you didn’t specify that that was a betrayal would sound ridiculous.   Just because strippers and lapdances have become a common way to "celebrate" getting married, doesn’t make this type of sexual activity justifiable in everybody’s lives.   Your fiancee isn’t falling for the "every body does it so it must be OK" line, and that means that she is a strong and independent thinker.   Don’t make excuses and don’t claim she is over-reacting.  You disrespected her and betrayed her.  Are there other issues that would lead you to do this, or is it just a sense of entitlement.   I understand that you would like to get this relationship back on course and counseling is a good idea. 

Post # 44
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sssssssssssssssssssssssssss…that was the sizzle from the last post.  Let’s all be careful not to make judgements on either side of this situation as none of us knows all the little nuances of that relationship. 

I think many of the comments postes so far have some common threads of advice:

1) Each couple needs to communicate their comfort levels and expectations in these kinds of situations, preferably before the occasion.

2) Some people believe that going to a strip club does not bother them because they trust and are respected by their FI’s.  Others believe that there is no excuse for going to a place where sexual actions outside of the relationship occur.  Each couple needs to decide for themselves. 

3) If you truely want counseling, there is counseling to be had.  Contact your local family/couples counselor and schedule a meeting.  It can be a wonderful experience for any couple whether they have minor or major problems. 

 Good luck!

Post # 45
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Best of luck working this out with your fiance.  Honestly, strip clubs aren’t my favorite, but for a bachelor party they don’t bother me (for a random Tuesday night?  yes, big problem).  I do hope you were able to work though everything and the wedding is back on track.  Any updates?

Post # 47
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

[comment removed for personal attack]

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