(Closed) Bachelor party = call off wedding? Please help!

posted 11 years ago in Parties
Post # 49
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I agree with everything Erindesmar said.  I don’t like lap dances, but if he got one for his bachelor party and it didn’t go further, no betrayl has happened.  It was irresponsible for the two of you to not discuss it beforehand so maybe counseling would help you understand how to communicate better and what topics are worth bringing up.

There are a lot of people that I see on these boards that freak out over lap dances like their fiance is falling in love with the stripper and wants to run off with her at the end of the night.  There will ALWAYS BE TEMPTATION in the world.  You’re going to see a chick at the coffee shop that you think is hot.  You might even fantasize about her.  It’s human nature!  I don’t like it but it happens to both men and women.

[edited to add: OMG I didn’t realize this was from 3 years ago!]

Post # 50
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ex-FH:  You f-ed up. You didn’t discuss boundaries beforehand and figured your fiance had an anything goes mentality when it came to the bachelor party, which was not true. And now she’s probably mentally torturing herself thinking if he told me about the lap dance, what could have happened that he’s NOT telling me about? You need to get some counseling–neither of you is right in this situation–but you seem to think that by everyone on here declaring you right and labelling your fiance as an emotional wreck you’re going to ‘win’ somehow. This is not how relationships work.

 

Based on YOUR description of events it doesn’t seem like your fiance has cause to call of the wedding, but I’m sure her retelling would be very different from yours! 

 

For future reference, you should have had a long talk before the bachelor party about what was and was not appropriate—when the stripper was giving you a lap dance you probably had a pretty good idea that your fiance would not be happy if she could see what was happening right? Would you enjoy it if she were naked and grinding on a strangers lap for her bachelorette?

Post # 50
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

ex-FH:  Hello! I hope this is not too intrusive, but can you share what ended up happening with this? I am a few months away from my wedding and the same thing has happened to me…except i am the bride and I feel very hurt/upset about my fiances recent lap dance. He says it occurred under very similar circumstances as yours did. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you! 

Other women on here-please send any thoughts to help me rationalize this and not be so upset! I don’t want to feel as hurt as I do, but can’t shake the feeling that I thought my fiancé was not like that and disrespected me. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  Greentheme2.
Post # 51
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Very old thread but I’m just now reading it for the first time so I’ll give my two cents on the issue, not really addressing this old scenerio but just the theme in general kind of for others that about to do these parties.

I for one wouldn’t do this and I’d be personally hurt and feel as if my fiance had committed a violation against our relationship. I nor my wife had strippers and to be frank I can really comprehend why anyone thinks this is something you should do right before you get married. Especially when there is so much drinking that may be going on. Who knows what even the most devoted fiance may end up doing once they get wasted.

I want to have a healthy, happy marriage so right before I get married I’m going to get as wasted as I’ve ever been in my life and get into some naked situation with someone of the opposite sex dancing and gyrating naked before me and climbing all over me. Really? That’s how you get ready for marriage?

With the bachelor parties it seems that touching is not always a given although lap dances may occur, with the male strippers I’ve read a lot about lots of touching, picking the bride up and carrying her to the center, biting money out from between her breasts, setting her on his lap, possibly grabbing her hand and sticking it on his junk, having her dance with him, rub oil on him slap his butt among other things.

How did this become the norm when you want to marry someone and be faithful and respectful to someone else. Wouldn’t these types of events be considered mild forms of cheating if done any other time. Why is it suddenly ok when it’s a pre marriage party?

Anyway, I’d expect a couple to have already clearly talked about this stuff before hand and if your mate would feel hurt or upset by this in any way a loving partner would stay away from this. If your friends ambush you this and your mate said that it would hurt him or her than the only decent thing to do would be to get up and just leave and wait until the stripper part is over or just tell the stripper to get the hell out.

Anyway, if both parties are ok with getting drunk and then having strippers doing whatever with them than it shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve just never understood how this is a desired thing though and how it could lead to anything but trouble. I love you and I want to marry you so I’ll just go lust after this naked person over here and have them rubbing all over me.

For any woman married or single who has a stripper at a bachelorette party it kind of sounds as if lots of touching and physical interaction is a guaranteed. I believe at strip clubs guys aren’t supposed to touch the girls but with the girls they grab and touch all of the stripper, even the married ladies.

Nice.

Anyway I didn’t have strippers. My wife didn’t, I don’t really see why you’d do that and even take the chance of hurting your mate. What is it that makes someone even want to do that if you are about to marry someone you want to be with?

As a rule, in most situations I’d say getting drunk and having strippers is a bad idea. If you make it out of that without someone doing something inappropriate you are lucky and in the minority.

Post # 52
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

derville :  I also realize it’s an old thread but I totally agree with you. Plus, people always try to come up with some excuse about how it’s all about “trust.” Umm yeah, okay, whatever helps them sleep at night…

Post # 53
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

derville :  Why do you keep digging up old threads? If you want to talk about a topic like this, create a new one. 

Post # 54
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I was researching something about this topic via google and that led me here. I wasn’t looking through old topics.

Post # 55
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

derville :  You were ‘researching’ lap dances and bachelor parties? 

Post # 56
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

For me, if I saw my date look a woman up and down, like the waitress backside, I would excuse myself and lose that man’s phone number. Once a boyfriend whistled like in a sex way at a woman on the street passing us. I was with him 3 months, that was our last day as a couple. To say nothing of “lap dance.”

Now, if you are engaged or married it is another thing, perhaps you should give it more than once chance, especially if you were not clear before if it is OK. But the question of if it is OK is easy. Would you do this behavior if she were standing in the room, watching? No? Then do not do it in her absence and think it is OK. True, some women for some reason do not care if their man shamelessly say or act like he would like sex with another, right in front of her.  The reason is most likely their low self-esteem. For myself, I do not believe any man’s love is a good trade for this treatment. I am a woman, the crown of creation, my husband will work his whole life and perhaps manage to be worthy of me (and me, I will work to be worthy for him, but this is another question).     

Post # 57
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2016

omg, this really is an old thread.

I am so surprised, that going to a strip club for your bachelor´s party is such a big problem for many brides.

My husband visited some strip clubs before he married me when he was a groomsmen for one of his friends, he told me right when he came home and we loughed together about the future-groom-to-be´s behaviour, he felt very uneasy when he got a lap dance and he told me how and why they even were at a strip club.

My husband was in a strip club for his bachelor´s too. His friends planned on a party-clubbing and burger eating bachelor´s but they ended up in a strip club and his friend´s purchased a lap dance for him too.

Was i angry, furoius or hurt? Did i feel betrayed?

No, of course not. I KNOW that I am the LOVE OF HIS LIVE and i know that he would never ever betray me. It was just a stripper, there were no feelings, no desire, no attraction or love involved.

He told me about his bachelor´s party and showed me pictures, we laughed together about the weird stuff.

Sure, i would be hurt if he went to a strip club on his own and purchased a lap dance for himself, but being angry at him for getting a lap dance purchased by his friends on his bachelor´s? Seriously? No!

I know that i am beautiful, that my husband loves me without make up and that i am the one he chose to spend the rest of his live together, he didn´t chose a stripper to do that, and frankly, many strippers look way worse than me and my husband just doesn´t love me for my body, but for my mind too.

Post # 58
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

babette1987 :  ah, were you really laughing at the “weird” things? I have doubts of this.  Either your man enjoys the lap dance from the other woman or he did not. A man enjoys a lap dance because he likes to look at her body, imagine touching her, having sex with her. Does a man let a woman shake her parts two inches from the front of his face if he would not desire her for sex? I have doubts.  He does this just before he vows his life to you, like he is going to prison? 

For me, not acceptable. I am better off alone than with a man like this.  I consider that it is not worthy. Now if he did not enjoy it, he let his friend bully him into something he did not want. This is a sad occurrence. Although I can understand the pressure men might feel. BUT still not something to funny like to laugh about.  

You are against stip clubs now for him. Now, if friends treat him to a lap dance are you OK with this? If not why is the Bachelor party different. There is no doubt so many things under the sun. Every type of person and couple. It is stunning to me that people are so different. Are you a couple that has “freebies”? This is where it is an agreement that if a certain celebrity happened to offer sex to your spouse, they would be OK to say yes to it. I cannot accept this. For me I can never marry a man that even suggest such a thing in laughter. But there are truly people who have this. Such diversity in people. 

It is true your husband choose you for his life; you must be beautiful in his eyes. But men also cheat fully on their wife, like all the way to sex, and say … well I have this girlfriend. But it is you I choose to spend my life with. Like this is the excuse for why they should not be upset. 

Post # 59
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

Bachelor parties are stupid. Get the strippers out of your system before getting into a committed relationship. That’s what your early 20s are for. It’s not that difficult to comprehend.

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