Post # 1
Hi bees –
Sorry – this is long, but I would appreciate your thoughts.
So, my fiance had his bachelor party this last weekend and we never talked about what was “ok” or not because it was just a weekend of partying with his friends and I feel like we have trust in the relationship. All weekend, he would text me or email how much he appreciated how I was the one for him.
So as he is coming back to town on Sunday night, I am checking his e-mail (we know each others passwords) to get his flight info. so I could pick him up. I saw an e-mail with pics of bachelor party and because I am a snoop, I looked and saw a picture of him about to kiss a girl.
He comes home and I asked him about the weekend and he could probably tell I was upset but I tried to act normal and jokingly ask him if he had “hooked up” with anyone and he said no, but that the guys made him “peck” a girl as his last kiss.
I am devastated and feel so silly. I never thought that we would be the couple fighting about what happened at the bachelor party because I thought he is just not that type of guy. He thought it was harmless fun and didn’t think it would bother me as he didnt’ make out with this girl but apparently just pecked her and it was joking. But he feels bad that he hurt me and has been begging me to forgive him for the last 2 days. In my head, I think if he “pecked” a girl on any other night out with friends, then that is not ok (which he agrees with) so the rules should still be the same for the Bridal Party and I think he sees my point now. But my question is, shouldn’t he have thought that way before?
I’ve never had issues trusting him before, but now I’m questioning everything and feel disgusted every time I think about it. So my question is, am I overreacting? Should I get over it? If so, how do I get over it? Or do I need to re-think things? and since he knows that I can see his email, did he maybe realize that I had seen it and then decided to come clean – ah! so confusing.
And yes, I know I shouldn’t have looked at the pics. But that’s already happened, so I just want to think about the future.
Post # 3
What he did was wrong. He knows that now. And yes, it would bother me too; however, he did come clean with you, and he didn’t lie. I think he just got caught up in the moment with the guys and forgot himself for a second. I am sure that if worse happened it would have been included with the other pictures. For me, it would take time; probably a lot of time to get over this, but I would have to tell myself that what he did was a one time thing and he was honest about it. He could have lied, and he didn’t, so I would try to get over it; hard as it may be.
Post # 4
He did come clean, and he’s never going to have peer pressure like that from his friends again (to kiss someone else).
I’m sure that in the moment it was more of a “don’t wuss out on your friends now” thing than a “hurt the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with” thing.
You should forgive him. From what you posted it sounds like you already discussed it (yay, communication!) and he already apologized a lot. The next step is to forgive him and realize it won’t happen again.
Post # 5
He did something wrong. Without a doubt. But the good thing is, you guys talked about it and he apologized and came clean with you. Take some time to process your feelings and figure out where to go from here. I can’t really tell you what you should or shouldn’t do because this is one of those situations where he did something but he feels bad about it and I can’t see him making this mistake again.
Post # 6
ohmygoodness, i’m so sorry you’re going through this. NO, i don’t think you’re overreacting. you’re absolutely right that any other night this kind of behavior would not be okay. nothing about what he did was ok… bachelor party outing or not. if it were me, i would have a really hard time building up my trust in him again. i agree with the others that it’s good that he came clean but that doesn’t magically make everything better, in my opinion. and this is why i hate bachelor parties.
Post # 7
I’d be really pissed off too. Is it a relationship-ender? Personally, I don’t think so. But also personally – and this might sound bad – I would let my guy think it was. Make him sweat. He needs to understand how 110% unacceptable his behavior was and be crystal clear that if you forgive him, this is the one time you’ll let it go. This is an instance where, IMO, taking the high road and just forgiving everything right away sends the wrong message.
I hope you feel better. Take a few days off from wedding stuff and treat yourself to something nice with your friends – get your nails done, a massage, go shopping, whatever. Then, once you’re ready to forgive him, forgive him and move on.
Post # 8
I’m gonna say something a little different: I wouldn’t be pissed one bit. Kissing is just not that big of a deal to me. In fact, I would be totally fine if my SO made out with another woman. I don’t want him to, nor will I encourage him to but really, its just a kiss. Actually he knows that when we do get married, he can dance, make out with, do anything but oral or actual sex at his bachelor party. He’s marrying me and I don’t think a make out session or a hot, gropey club dance will change that, nor will it diminish his love or attraction for me one bit.
Bottom line is, I peck kiss my mom & dad, my cousins, my grandma for heavens sake; giving a stranger a peck is really not much different. He’s sorry for it so what’s the big deal? Forgiving him for it won’t encourage him to do it again, if that’s what you’re afraid of; being forgiven for a transgression generally makes someone feel ingratiated and more loving. I disagree with @MeghanV I think he knows what he did is wrong and punishing him for it sets up a weird dynamic of the OP being like his mom. There shouldn’t be any punishing in a relationship, just adult discussion and allowing and trusting that the other person will feel remorse, which he does.
Post # 9
@LaurenK0105: really??? You are ok with your dude fingering a girl or getting a HJ from another woman? I honestly find that hard to believe. Having a hot gropy make out session surely will diminish your marriage because he is then cheating on you. Yes, I peck my family members on the lips too but a peck from a stranger and a peck from my dad are two totally different things – one is purely platonic and one has a sexual charge.
To the OP – I think what your Fiance did was wrong, for sure. It isnt about the fact that he pecked someone, its about the fact that he broke your trust. I would do whatever you need to in order to help you 1) get over this and 2) forgive him. Harboring anger is only going to build resentment and that will not get you anywhere. I definitely think your Fiance is sorry, but I would want him to make it up to me somehow. He should be bringing you home flowers, cooking you dinner, getting you a card….something to show you that he knows you are hurt and that he truly does care. I dont think this is a break upable offense, but you have every right to be pissed and hurt. However, the good thing is that you still have 3 months until your wedding to work this out. This may be a good time to start some premarital counseling – it will give you a good space for you guys to discuss whatever you need to with an unbiased third party facilitating and mediating that.
Post # 10
@PitBulLover: I was going to ask the same thing..
@junewedding2011: Fortunately this is something minor that you can work through. Take this as a learning experience because at least it will show you how to effectively communicate your feelings when something like this happens. I would be upset too, but he most likely was caught up in the moment and he’s been able to be open and honest with you. If he had shut down and got defensive than I would be worried. It seems like you two have a respect for each other though so let him feel sorry, but don’t drag the guilt on or you’ll have other problems to deal with.
Post # 11
I would wonder why he gives into peer pressure so easily. It could have been a lot worse. You really only have two options at this point. Postpone the wedding if you feel like you can’t trust him or talk about it and move on.
Post # 12
I would be extremely hurt. Not only by Fiance but by his friends too. I don’t know how close you are to FI’s friends but I consider FI’s friends, my close friends too. I would be really disappointed that they would put him in that position. I give your Fiance a lot of credit for being honest though. Definitely forgive him… it seems like he is really sorry and feels bad. Delete that picture though!
Post # 13
To me, kissing is definitely cheating. Any form of kissing. I don’t get it when some people claim it’s not… I’ve heard this a few times and think it’s absolutely rediculous. But the fact that he apologized and that you’ve talked about it, and he now knows how you feel about it makes things better. Ultimately it’s up to you where to go from here, but if he’s never done anything like this before, and knows that you don’t accept it, there’s a good chance it won’t happen again.
Post # 14
Just try to go with your gut here, and let your own reactions be your guide. If you feel disgusted by what happened, then talk with your Fiance about it more and figure out what you guys need to do to move past it. It doesn’t sound to me like it’s worth throwing the relationship away over, but it is worth dealing with now–otherwise it has the potential to grow into a deeper kind of resentment over time.
Post # 15
@PitBulLover: Definitely not fingering but I’d be ok with an HJ only at his bachelor party. I prefer he not do that, and I doubt he would, but if he did, I wouldn’t freak out. I probably would be hurt, but we’ve been together 6 years, he’s had 1 other girlfriend for 6 months in HS and has really not had much experience besides me. I just don’t consider kissing cheating at all.
I guess I missed out on the fingering part, I’d be pissed, but she grabbed his hand and made him so that’s not really under his control. If he did it on his own volition, that’s messed up. I just view that one or two transgressions on a bachelor party are not enough to throw a way what would otherwise be a happy, lifelong marriage.
Post # 16
A peck on the cheek wouldnt bother me. FH kisses his mother hello on the cheek, his female friends on the cheek, MY friends on the cheek. Its a nice thing, but not a romantic thing.
A little silly to mark “his last kiss” possibly, but the whole event is to mark his ending being a single man so it seems appropriate.