(Closed) Bachelor party Dread

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9436 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You need to get on the same page as him ASAP!

I would find a time to sit down with him and calmly explain that you are not comfortable with strip clubs – let’s be real here from your post it’s obvious you don’t want strippers involved at all, be honest about it. This is a line for you in the relationship. It’s not something you are comfortable with at all. If he tries to tell you that you’re crazy make it clear that this is absolutely not you being crazy, it’s you being honest about your boundaries and that him dismissing your feelings on it as crazy is misogynistic and hurtful.

Personally, if he couldn’t respect that then I would reconsider the wedding. Going to a strip club with his buddies shouldn’t be more important to him than his relationship with you and your happiness.

Post # 3
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I thought like you when my Fiance got engaged in July of 2015. I had been cheated on in the past so I thought of touching another girl to be cheating and the thought of another woman touching my Fiance and rubbing herself on him made me very uncomfortable.

 

This summer my Fiance is going to New Orleans and I am going to Cancun, We are going the same time frame and since I will be in Mexico, I will not have my phone. This made me uncomfortable since we had not talked about comfort levels for our bach parties. I am more reserved and not a crazy partier where my fiance is not either, he likes to have fun with his friends. 

 

I tried talking to him a year ago about how I didn’t want him to have a stripper like I wouldn’t but that would just end in fights. It was not until recently that I realized I was making a big deal out of it for nothing. I COMPLETELY trust my Fiance and in the 4.5 years we have been together he has never given me a reason not to trust him. So we sat down and talked about boundaries. I did a lot of thinking on this and thought to myself if he cheats and does something then that is on him and he will have lost me for good. So to make a long story short, we sat down and discussed what was not okay with me. I did not want him to grab her boobs, or have her boobs near his face, etc. I did not want him to slap her ass or anything like that, but getting an innocent lap dance was fine with me.

He agreed to the terms and said he would never let it get further and his friends (who are my friends too, and my brother) wouldn’t let it get far either. You just have to trust that he will not hurt you or do anything that would hurt you. 

 

I hope this makes sense! Just trust him and trust that he won’t hurt you!! After all, trust is important for a marriage so it is better to practice that now!

Post # 5
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

You are entitled to fee how you feel about strip clubs and bachelor parties. Some bees may respond to your post and leave you feeling like an idiot for not loving strip clubs. Ignore them if that happens. The key is that you make your feelings and expectations clear to your fiancé and that he do the same thing to you and figure out if you guys can come up with something that you both feel ok about and that he will adhere to and not lie about it later.

Post # 6
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s a deal breaker for you so the best thing for all is for you to in no uncertain terms tell your Fiance that this is a deal breaker. In your situation with your feelings I would draw a hardline at no strippers what so ever. Even though you say you are okay with him going as long as he doesn’t have any dances I really think the closer it gets and once its happens you will probably realize you have a huge problem with it.

So save you both some trouble and tell him now you are not at all comfortable with him going and that for you this is a non negotiable issue. While it’s not exactly fair IMO I think it’s way more fair that letting him go then being upset after the fact (cause honestly, possibility he will get a dance if he goes, someone will find out it’s a special occasion and buy it and he will likely not want to lose face)

ETA: I have no problem with strippers or lap dances or any of that personally. But I get the vibe it’s a huge deal for you so that’s where my advice comes from.

Post # 7
Member
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I agree that you do need to talk to your fiance about it.  Even if you have some bullet points written down so you don’t forget anything.  

DH didn’t go to a strip club for his bachelor party (which is a good thing because I could NOT talk him out of having it the night before the wedding, no matter how hard I tried – luckily his best man thought it was a terrible idea too so hosted a Cards against Humanity night at his place – nice and relaxed!) but he’s been for other friends’ bachelor parties.  I made it very clear that lap dances were an absolute dealbreaker for me and he respected that, which is all I asked.  I wasn’t all that keen on him going to a strip club at all, so this was a compromise we reached between us.

Post # 8
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Stop trying to justify your distaste for strippers, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s a matter of taste, and that’s perfectly okay. You need to sit down with him and tell him in your eyes, it’s cheating and not acceptable. You guys need to be on the same page. There’s nothing illogical about not liking strippers. 

Post # 9
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee

It’s perfectly fair, in my opinion, to request that he doesn’t get a lap dance. It doesn’t matter if there’s no touching, and I’m not a huge prude. I’ve been to more strip clubs than my fiancé and wouldn’t care if he went to one on his bachelor party, but I would not be happy about a lap dance. That said.. if one of his buddies bought him an awkward lap dance strictly as a funny tradition, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. I would just make it clear that it makes you uncomfortable and you’d prefer it if it didn’t go there…

It’s kind of one of those things that depends on the tone, and depends on the kinds of friends he has. 

Guys here don’t really go to strip clubs for their bachelor parties from what I’ve seen. I’ve actually never heard of anyone that I know actually doing that. Everyone goes on weekend adventure sorts of trips for bro bonding. But we do live in a very left leaning hipstery outdoorsy type city. It’s not the only option for things to do though..

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
dwobride :  

You need to discuss your feelings now and get on the same page sooner than later.

My husband and I decided on no strippers, and nothing big. Low key events with family and friends to celebrate our up coming wedding, not our “last night of single life”. I understand most men want to go to the strip club, but if you’re not happy about it you can’t pretend to be ok with it. Because in all honesty if he goes to the strip club and tells you nothing happened are you going to believe him? Or is the thought of “what if” going to eat you alive.

I told my husband out right I wasn’t comfortable with it and he was also not comfortable with me going to strippers.

The most I did was kiss my friend….she was drunk and she just kissed me lol. I felt so bad but I told him.

Be honest. It’s the best idea.

Post # 11
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My fiance leaves for his bachelor party next week. He’s in Vegas for 2 days to watch the Superbowl. He knows strip clubs are a deal breaker. They’re off putting to me regardless of the reason why and he’s already made it known to his friends that it’s off the table. He’s never given me a reason to doubt him and his friends are also respectful. Be honest and open with your feelings and if you don’t feel comfortable with something, say it. 

Post # 12
Member
705 posts
Busy bee

Bee, you need to realise you don’t need to justify your stance with comments like “it’s not rational”. It’s perfectly rational and perfectly logical to a) not want your fiancé near a half naked woman who isn’t you, and b) not want someone you love to partake in the buying and selling of another human being.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it matters what you think. I agree with the previous poster who said you need to be honest with yourself about where your boundaries lie – from your post you clearly don’t want strippers to be involved at all. You need to communicate this to your partner and you need to tell him it’s a deal breaker. Honestly, it’s okay to know who you are and what your values are. Be who you are! 

Post # 13
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I paid for lap dances for my Fiance. Lol. 

Post # 14
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

I’d guess that there are very few straight men who go to strip clubs for their bachelor parties who don’t get a lap dance and more. Tooooons goes down in those types of environments and usually even more so for the groom on his bachelor party. Lap dances and the extras can be soooo much more than many women might assume they are. (And of course there are also plenty of women/FIs/gfs/spouses who know how wild strip clubs and lap dances can get and don’t care- to each her own.)

My Fiance doesn’t go to strip clubs (he doesn’t want to and his friends don’t either), but, if him or his friends did that type of thing and I didn’t want him to get a lap dance (I wouldn’t), I’d explain to him and probably his friends that strip clubs and escorts/adult industry/pros of any kind (housecalls or whatever) weren’t okay by me for that wknd/night (or maybe ever) and, if any of that was happening, the wedding probably wouldn’t be happening and he’d probably lose me.

That may sound super dramatic to some bees, but it makes sense to me if you’re not okay w you or your guy intentionally pursuing interaction w ppl in adult/sex industries. Im doing different types of things (girls wknd at a house, hanging out, no club) for my bach party and I’d probably only be in a relationship w a guy who’d do similar lowkey stuff (not drinking and clubbing). Maybe it’s bc I’m older or have had a failed marriage, but I tend to only be into someone who wants to live their lives (starting even while single and at bach party, before being married or engaged) in the same way as I want to and also same as while we’re married. This matters most for things like drinking, going out, and whatever sexual-type interactions w others. My guy would never be insisting on or even intentionally risking something that would upset me so much and put our relationship at risk.

Looking back, of the guys I’ve dated, any guy I dated who liked strip clubs ended up cheating on me (not necessarily w a stripper or at the strip club, but just generally w someon).

Post # 15
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee

Something that would be just interesting/fun for him but devastating to you, for whatever reason, isn’t a thing that should seem worth it to him.

Unless he is truly passionate about strip clubs it should be an easy decision for him not to go. 

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