(Closed) Bachelor party Dread

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I honestly think it is ridiculous to be stressing about this when there is no wedding or bachelor party even planned. Focus on being excited about your engagement and cross this bridge when you come to it. You are coming across as crazy insecure. 

Post # 17
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

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dwobride :  Talk to him NOW. If my husband told me that something I wanted to do was making him feel dread, worrying him, making him insecure, etc. I would cut that shit out no questions asked. 

If you can’t negotiate around something as silly and nonessential as a bachelor party you won’t weather a marriage. Write out how you feel, make it about your emotions and NOT about not trusting him. If he’s decent at all he’ll call it off. If he doesn’t and basically tells you to deal with it…expect that for the next 50 years. 

Post # 18
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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njpartyof2 :  What exactly is “getting an innocent lap dance”?

Post # 19
Member
3946 posts
Honey bee

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TinderBoxx :  “What exactly is “getting an innocent lap dance”?

THIS!! I don’t know about anyone else, but a half naked woman sitting on my SOs lap and grinding her vag on his junk with only thin pieces of fabric between them is pretty far from innocent, and, how is that ‘not touching’? It’s touching in a VERY intimate way.  The woman is essentially dry humping your FIs erection.

It’s gross and demeaning on so many levels for the women involved… the Fiance whose ‘man’ is getting dry f*d, and the ‘dancer’ who is essentially a sex worker. I wonder also how all of these guys gettin’ an ‘innocent’ lap dance would feel about their Fiance getting dry humped by another guy.

I was trying to find a vid of an ‘innocent lap dance’, but they are all too disgusting to post. Here’s the most tame thing I could find:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lap_dance

The fact that any of this is continually normalized in our society is incredibly sad.

Post # 20
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee

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katebluestone :  

This.

Thank you for this! Everyone is allowed to feel whichever way they want. If you’re OK with strippers than fine, but don’t bring someone down because they arent. And it has nothing to do with insecurity because I know my husband married me. 

However, if this was a girl off the street in skivvies rubbing her vag all over my husbands junk that wouldn’t be okay; but because he paid her its alright? No. It’s disrespectful towards the relationship. And OP is allowed to feel whatever way she wants!

Strippers are not everyones cup of tea, and let me tell you…..they are not mine.

 

Post # 21
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

By deal breaker do you really mean if he goes to a strip club, or has a lap dance (I’m not clear which line you are drawing) you will not marry him?

If that is truly what you mean then yes, talk to him about it now.  And make it very clear that you will not marry him if that behavior is included in his bachelor party or any one else’s bachelor party that he attends.

It may be a simple decision, as he and his friends think strippers are more of a lark, and they could make other plans.  Or this may be a bonding thing his group of friends have, and he needs to choose between his friends’ wants and yours, and that could be a more difficult decision.

Post # 22
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions! I thought it was a deal breaker to me, but I sat down and discussed what was okay and what wasn’t with me. My Fiance agreed. I wasn’t telling anyone they had to do what I did, I was saying what happened in my instance like many others often do.

 

with that being said, I do agree that you should sit down and tell your SO what is important and okay and what isn’t. If you in the end decide it is still a  big no no then he needs to know that. 

 

 

Post # 23
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

You need to set strict boundaries. If you aren’t ok with strippers (you aren’t crazy btw) then just tell him “NO strippers.” No strip clubs, no lapdances, no naked women on your fi, no stress. If he respects you and your feelings that shouldn’t be an issue for him.

Post # 24
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

 I would sit down and talk about this being a problem for you. Don’t feel bad about it. If you would never be able to look at him the same way, or would always be wondering what actually happened at the party, you need to air those concerns. Your insecurities and emotions trump him wanting to have a “good time”. 

I find the whole concept of strip clubs rather sad. Fiance feels like he wouldn’t be faithful to me if he went to a strip club, and it has never held any interest for him. That’s us personally. We had a conversation about bachelor parties and Fiance said: “hell no, no strippers for me” and that settled it. We had the conversation early on, as well. 

Post # 25
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Not much advice other than have a straight conversation with him, but FWIW, my take on this is no, no, no, and NO. Like why the HECK do guys think it’s necessary to go drink and see a bunch of rated R women disrespect themselves before they commit to the woman they’re supposed to be madly in love with, loyal to, and respect!? I think this is a sick tradition, and I don’t understand it one bit. I’m so against this that if my Fiance did it I would call off the wedding! It’s so wrong and degrading on so many different levels, not to mention I don’t see how it’s not a plain clear form of cheating! Just no

 

ETA: to directly answer your question, yes, I am mildly concerned about the bachelor party … I know my guy isn’t really THAT type of guy, so I dont think he would do something like that, however, I feel like his friends might, and that part actually does stress me out a bit. I’ve told Fiance about a gazillion times though, if he does somethings stupid, or ALLOWS something stupid to happen, I will NOT be ok. I told him exactly what was to happen at my hen party, there won’t even be alcohol involved, and I told him that everything that I’ll be doing will be respecting him, therefore he should do the same. I think mostly he just likes to get a rise out of me, but I promise I will murder his friends if otherwise 

Post # 26
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

I honestly think the bachelor party is the stupidest part of a wedding, but hey, I’m not a guy.

I would not want my husband going the night before (or weekend before, or whenever) our wedding to go watch/touch naked girls. It’s just not respectful to me. Men say it’s their “last night of freedom”- let’s be honest,you haven’t been single in a long time. It’s downright rude in my opinion. Go out, drink, have fun with family/friends, whatever, but do it in a respectful way. I think all or most women feel themselves constantly compared to other women on a daily basis, so for my husband to go out of his way to look at other women would probably make me very self-conscious. I’m just glad that my husband and I were on the same page and never had to have this argument- he went to a brewery and baseball game and had fun.

Don’t think you’re crazy for having morals- be proud of it.

Post # 27
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

At first I was thinking “what’s the big deal with a strip club if you trust your FI?” but then I realized that everyone who posted before is right, it’s not your job to justify or explain or defend why you don’t like it or why you have those feelings about strip clubs. It’s your job to communicate effectively and make sure your Fiance understands and also communicates to his friends what you two as a couple have decided about his bachelor party. 

I had been cheated on by a guy in college (10 yrs ago) who hooked up w his ex girlfriend. My current SO told me that he remained friendly with his ex Girlfriend who lived in a diff city… I tried to be cool with it until I wasn’t (she sent a gift & I freaked the F out). That my limit. I knew if he continued the friendship w his ex Girlfriend, I would grow resentful & jealous & ruin our relationship. So as crazy and jealous and psycho as I felt, I had to tell him that it was a dealbreaker. I felt “crazy” for asking him to cut off a friendship when he had zero feelings for his ex. I still, to this day, feel kinda guilty about it but then I just have to tell myself, I gave him the option to walk away. When I told him what my boundaries were and he (thankfully) didn’t hesitate to end their friendship. My advice to you and most women out there, stop trying to be “the cool girl” and the “chill girlfriend”. State your feelings. Be a honest. Even if it’s “crazy” or “uncool”.

GL

Post # 28
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

You don’t want him to have strippers, make your feelings known. Don’t let him tell you you are overreacting, or guilt you that you don’t trust him, or try to normalize having a mostly naked woman swinging her tits in his face because he “can’t touch.” 

He should validate your feelings on the issue, not get defensive. 

I’ve already told SO I’m against strippers for ANY reason. He’s going on a bachelor’s trip to Cancun this Spring and he knows I don’t want him having any interaction with strippers, even if it’s a surprise from one of the other guys. And he’s already planning to have just a small fishing/camping trip for his own bachelor party. 

Post # 29
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
dwobride :  I would reccomend going and getting a lap dance yourself and then deciding if it’s something you are comfortable with. You may be building it up more in your head than what it is. It’s up to you two together to decide what you are comfortable with. I don’t believe there is one right or wrong answer. 

Post # 30
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Even though personally I don’t have a problem with lap dances at Bachelorette parties (no touching though!), I understand that you do. You need to get on the same page with him, but I’m just warning you- Chances are he’ll do it anywise and just not tell you.

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