Post # 1
So this weekend my fiance and I both had our separate bachelor/bachelorette parties, and after learning about what happened at his, I am feeling really betrayed…
I knew that they were planning on going to a strip club for a portion of the night, and had specifically told my fiance that I was okay with it as long as he did not get any lap dances. He told me to trust him, and I did. In the 7 years that we have been together, he has never done anything to betray my trust.
So I ended up finding out from him that his friends had bought him a lap dance, and he had tried to give the dance away to one of the other guys, but none of them would take it. He ended up being convinced to go with the stripper to the private room. While there, he told her that he didn’t want a lap dance, so she ended up just giving him a private dance, with no contact. He thought he was making the ‘better’ choice. He claims that it was awkward, and that it wasn’t even very enjoyable.
I’m really hurt that he would have even made the choice to go off with this naked woman in the first place…regardless of what actually happened or how enjoyable it was. I agree that it was a marginally ‘better’ choice, but for me, telling him not to get a lap dance wasn’t about the physical contact, it was about how personal it becomes when that stripper steps off the public stage to perform just for him.
We have talked it over, and I do forgive him, but is really difficult for me to deal with. It’s not about what happened, but about the choice that he made to allow the night to change from a semi-innocent show for all of them, to something personal that he likely could have guessed would upset me. How can I get over this, and move on in our relationship? I can’t stop thinking about it, and right now it feels like I never will. I don’t want this to become a permanent piece to our relationship. I’m feeling extremely betrayed, and don’t know if I can ever trust him again.
Post # 3
I dunno, I wouldn’t feel that hurt if I were you. The fact that he told you what happened that night seems like a good sign that he’s trustworthy. Besides, when you agreed/allowed him to go to a strip club, there was always a possibility that his friends may pressure him to get a lap dance wasn’t there?. . .regardless of what you or he may have wanted, his friends were going to make him part take in typical strip club activities. Hate to say this, but you shouldn’t have let him go if you were going to be so uncomfortable from the beginning. Anyway, it sounds to me like you have a really trustworthy guy!
Post # 7
@infinity092813: I agree. It’s not his fault. If you were really uncomfortable with him getting a lap dance, he probably shouldn’t have gone to a strip club. Especially since he told you what happened, I think you should let it go. It’s ok to be sad or upset for a while, but try not to take it out on him as he did everything he could to honor your wishes.
Post # 4
You have a right to be pissed off about this, but don’t allow it to ruin your relationship. It seems that he genuinely just messed up. He was probably pressured by the guys, lots of alcohol, there was probably no real way of getting out of it without making it really awkward. He probably got caught in the atmoshere and thought he was making the better choice.
I would tell him why it’s not okay, that you would not tolerate it again, etc. But this seems like a really small thing in the grand sheme of things. I know your upset now and you said you don’t know if you could trust him again… that seems like an overreaction to be honest, I doubt you will feel the same in a week, I doubt you would remember this in a year. If this is the first time he has ever broken your trust, you guys seem like you have a really solid relationship.
Post # 9
No need to think so hard over it. He has never given you any reason not to trust him so don’t give him a hard time over this. Technically he didn’t do anything wrong. 1) He volunteered this info to you. 2) He didn’t get a lap dance as per your request. 3) You did not communicate to him WHY you were against lap dances… that it was the whole ‘secluded’ thing. You were simply against the lap dance. And he didn’t get that. I am sure if he knew you were against him being alone with the stripper was the issue, he wouldn’t have gotten the private dance either. CLEAR communication is KEY!
Post # 10
@danimals: So he didn’t get a lap dance? Then he held up his end of your agreement. I wouldn’t be that upset about it tbh. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal at all.
Sounds like he tried to make the best of the situation without 1) going against yall’s agreement and 2) not looking unappreciative to his friends
Post # 5
Hm, I don’t know that I would be as upset as you are. He was honest with you, even knowing you might react badly, which is great and says lots about your relationship. I don’t condone peer pressure, but it does sound like it was a less than easy choice for him, and he did try to make it a little less bad.
I’m sorry you’re upset, but I really would try to get past this one.
Post # 6
As these things go, I think you came out a winner.
Most guys seem to end up taking the lap dance because their friends pressure them, and then say “what could I do?” Yours fought it, and tried to find some middle ground. I would say try to appreciate that, and chalk it up to one of many things you’ll have to get past in your life together. He’s going to disappoint you (and you’re going to disappoint him). But it looks like he’ll fight to honor you even under immense pressure from others, and if this is the worst thing that ever happens to betray your trust, you’re in good shape.
Post # 12
I think having to endure the awkward lap dance might be enough punishment, haha!
Seriously, he told you all about it, did what he probably thought was best at the time (under the influence of alcohol and his buddies), and seems pretty contrite about it. Sounds like you have a nice guy!
You could always punish him a little more and tell him you’ll forgive him if he reenacts that private dance for you 😉
Post # 8
I think you shouldn’t be too upset with him. He really did try to get out of it, and he admits it to you which is a good thing. Yes, it definitely not a good thing, but I think you should take all of his actions into consideration.
Post # 11
Sorry you had to go through this…
but I am curious,
if you are not ok with him even have lap dance, why ok him going out with guys to strip club? It’s like asking kids not to eat candy at a candy store.
He told you what happened. He was honest about it and I think things could get way worse that night IMO. I don’t think you have to not trust him because he had a private dance that had no physical contact. From the sound of it, he didn’t even want one to begin with. And consider he didn’t even have fun at his own bachelor party, I think he had enough punishment. You should be glad you know what goes on that night. If you are not comfortable about what he does with his friends. Let him know and be firm about it.
My Fiance never talked about what they done in those party and I doubt I will ever find out how his is going to be (and yes they are going to vegas :P) I basically told my Fiance i don’t want to know what they are going to do in Vegas. But he needs to know what my bottom line is (lap dance is my bottom line) so if I ever find out something HAPPENED in vegas, the marriage is through.
Post # 13
@lamkky: When you say lap dance is your bottom line…you mean lap dance is ok, but nothing more?
My Fiance is likely going to Vegas as well with 2 good friends of his. I’m not gonna be “that” girl and try to say he can’t go to a strip club(he is in Vegas, I expect strip clubs will be on the agenda). I trust him and he has never given me any reason not to. Only time he has been to strip clubs is for friend’s bachelor parties. I did tell him I don’t like the idea of him getting a lap dance but that I know it is likely his friends will by him one and I’m ok with that as long as nothing more happens.
Post # 14
Thank you for your input. I know that I am probably overreacting right now since it is still so fresh in my mind. And I know that I have a really great guy, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him 🙂
Like I said, I have forgiven him, and I know how difficult it must have been for him to turn down the lap dance and then to tell me about it later. I really appreciate his honesty.
Right now it just comes down to me getting the thought of him alone in a room with a naked woman out of my head…
Post # 15
It sounds to me like you told your Fiance “no lap dances” and that’s exactly what he did (or didn’t do!). I don’t see what the problem is, really. The stripper was doing the same dance she would have done anywhere else, just with a smaller audience.
Plus, like others have pointed out, your Fiance told you everything that went down. That right there speaks volumes. I don’t think he intended to do anything that would be considered disrespectful towards you or your relationship.
I think you two will work through this. 🙂
Post # 16
I would feel just as you do! Extremely upset not necessarily at him, but the fact that it happened. Actually I would probably feel more pissed off at his friends for ignoring your requested boundary, especially if your Fiance made it clear to them. It’s disrespectful and caused you hurt feeling and stress just so they could have a laugh. I’ve made it clear to Fiance hat he can do what he wants but he knows 100% how I feel about and how I would react to him going to a strip club. He was at a friends b-party last month and the groom didn’t want to go to a strip club but his friends pushed him to go. My Fiance decided to go back to the hotel instead because he knew it wasn’t worth how hurt I would be. I will say i think your Fiance did everything he prob could or thought of at the time to stop it from happening, and wad clearly thinking about you when makin the decision to turn it down. And the fact that he told you right away says a lot. I would probably be hurt by it for a while, but I think you’ve got a good man who respects your feelings and doesn’t want to intentionally hurt you. So thats a good thing! Again, in my opinion I would be more pissed at his friends!