Post # 1
Well hello bees, let me say I am not a first time poster, in fact just signed up with a new name. I seriously dont know what to do and I need help, advice, a case a champagne, a sedative…
Why do our fiancees insist on going to bachelor parties when they know we are going to be upset. WELL I found out the date of his party at literally 1am the day before–yes he claims he didnt want to go and that he got sucked into it but all of that aside (not buying any of it) Please tell me how I cope with this.
Mr Fiance just got back from Las Vegas, sorry to admit it but I didnt want to kiss him, I was creeped out and I said so. I said, I dont want to kiss you, I dont know where your mouth has been. His answer to me was, hey it was my bachelor party, I had a few lap dances. DANCES? With an S? As in PLURAL? He said yeah, you know everyone buys you one, it was my bachelor party. I said really, as many as all that, you cant even remember? He said well, yeah, I could probably figure it out–so of course in my mind he is running through his mind remembering (a blonde, a redhead) I thought he was going to say 3. His final answer was 10-12.
I am going to be honest, I did say I was not comfortable with this idea of men wanting to do this, especially when he claims (and I know he did say) he didnt want the traditional Vegas party, but his best man planned it anyway. So seriously I DONT WANT TO MARRY HIM NOW, I am disgusted, is this what I want to make a family with? I just think that once you decide to get married if this is something you just gotta have then you are not ready for a monogamous relationship? I dont know what to say. I dont want to get married and most of all I dont want to stand in my white dress in front of his groomsmen and brother and friends knowing what they saw him do. I feel like a fool, I think I would feel like a fool in my wedding dress. HELP PLEASE! Honest answers appreciated!
Post # 3
I think you’re overreacting. They were just lap dances, it’s not as if he slept with all these women. However if he did, THEN he’s definitely dump worthy! The recepients of a lap dance aren’t even allowed to touch the dancers, it’s the dancers that sometimes do get close to the recepient, but by far it is not to the point that you are making things out to be.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re hurting right now. You have the right to be a little upset, I would be too. 10-12 lap dances IS a lot of lap dances! BUT is it worth calling off your wedding? Probably not. Why did you want to marry him in the first place? Does his bachelor party totally negate that? If he’s sorry, and if as MsVanessa commented above, he didn’t sleep with other women, then you probably should just chock this up to a hurdle you guys will have to compromise on. Maybe he’ll never do ti again (probably not bc he didnt want to in the first place) and you’ll not harp on it in your married life? Something like that. Guys get carried away at their bachelor parties, but I’m sure your guy didn’t do anything beyond the lap dances!
Post # 5
Guys don’t think things through…. I am sure he had no intention of hurting your feelings, he just got caught up being with the guys. I 100% agree with what the other girls said. You are allowed to be angry, but I really hope that you can get passed it. My jaw dropped as I read your post….You’re really ready to call off your wedding b/c of this? That seems really extreme to me, and I think you should take a step back and clear your head before making any major decisions. You shouldn’t feel like a fool at all…and that’s not the point of a bachelor party. Remember — He asked YOU to be his wife, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU. Just tell him how mad you are and let him make it up to you
Post # 6
I know just how you feel. I am a firm believer that once you choose to be solely committed to ONE person, they are the LAST person you see naked/topless/whatever (aside from porn! LOL), so I completely understand how you’d feel betrayed and disgusted. I really hate the excuse "oh, they’re just being guys". No, they are being obnoxious pigs. What is with this need to see other naked girls when you are in a committed relationship?
Anyway, I DO think that this is something you can work past. The more time you take to talk it over and get him to see how his actions hurt you, the easier it will be to get past. If he just blows you off and tells you you are over-reacting then THAT would be a harder pill to swallow than the lap dances themselvse. If your relationship is strong and you keep the lines of communication open then I think everything will turn out okay. Don’t hold a grudge and constantly bring it up, it will only make it harder on YOU and put strain on the relationship.
Take a deep breath, calmly explain how you feel, and be honest.
Post # 7
I’d be totally grossed out and angry too. I wonder about the friends he went with, though — bachelor parties tend to involve getting the groom really wasted and then getitng him to do all sorts of things he wouldn’t do when perfectly sober, you know? If they were just dances and he doesn’t make a habit out of it, I’d let it go. There have got to be all sorts of other great qualities about him that prompted you to say "yes" in the first place, right?
also, along the lines of above, I doubt he ordered 10-12 lap dances for himself. His friends probably ordered some, strangers probably ordered some — he was probably (drunkenly) surprised by several.
Post # 8
Not to sound harsh, but from the one side of the story that I am getting…I would have to say I think you may be overreacting a bit. I am a firm believer in trust and compromise in a relationship. Your Fiance was honest with you and told you where he was going…he could have very well lied to you about it and that would have been worse. My Fiance went to Montreal for his bachelor party and I trusted in his judgement to know that he would not do anything "stupid". That said, his friends could be good/bad influences on him, but ultimately if you don’t trust the man you are going to marry, I think that says more about the state of your relationship rather than the fact that he had a bachelor party despite your disapproval.
Post # 9
i can understand how this would upset you, especially when he said he was "forced" to go. Obviously, he must’ve known you’d be somewhat upset. But honestly, it’s not worth breaking up for …perhaps just a long talk. I think the issue here is with trust, not at the fact that he got 10 lap dances. I’m in, no way, implying that you don’t trust him but he needs to be straightforward with you.
I rather someone be honest with me, even if it hurts me than for something to hurt me by hiding or denying. So if he’s being totally 100% truthful with you, he deserves that chance. But if he’s not…then there are issues you have to work out before the wedding.
Post # 10
I’d have to agree with MissBlueBear. It sounds to me you are overreacting a bit.
I know the Best Man is planning the ultimate Vegas party for my fiance and we have been upfront and direct about it. Its what the guys want and frankly they go back to his college days, but hey, Boys will be Boys! Ultimately he is coming home to me and I trust him to use his best judgement, it is his last night of "freedom" after all.
I am sure the same is true for your man, sure he got a couple of lap dances but if it bothers you so much maybe you should talk to him about what exactly happened, open communication is key. I think you will find that his experience over the whole thing was less thrilling then you believe it to be.
The bachelor party is over, but the relationship is not. I think it is important to discuss your feelings with each other and you will likely remember why you love him so much to marry him in the first place.
Best of Luck!
Post # 11
i totally know what you feel. on weddingbee, we’re all very different but i’m a lot like you. i don’t know if i could "get over" what happened. remember we’re all different and some girls have said that "you’re overreacting." Thats their opinion and obviously not yours (or mine for that matter). I think its just because some girls are more desensitized to the whole stripper culture and world or think there are "bigger fish to fry". Well, guess what, to some, THIS IS A BIG FISH. He knew from the get go that you would not approve. And he went ahead and did it anyway and was so non-chalant about telling you. if i were in your shoes, i would talk to him and tell him to what extent this is bothering you (you’re not ready or comfortable to marry him at the moment). he’s going to be shocked, maybe flip out, maybe cry who knows, i suspect it’s going to be drama. but tell him you want to get through this with him. i would talk to a counselor together. if money is an issue, scrounge up money, borrow two hundred or whatever it costs for a local marriage therapist per hour and GET THROUGH THIS. good luck and PM me if you want to talk. i totally feel you.
Post # 12
Personally, I also think you are overreacting. If him getting lap dances, which it is obvious he did pay for all by himself, causes you to nolonger want to marry him then you are probably not ready to get married. Marriage and for that matter relationship are about trust, he did not have sex with them and more than likely was not even allowed to touch any of them so why does this affect your relationship? You have to remember why you agreed to marry him and if lap dance, guarenteed a whole lot of them, can negate that call it off because you guys have some serious work to do in your relationship. I hope you can get over this and work through it, it was a party thrown for him. Your love should be able to endure this so make the decision that is best for you AFTER YOU TAKE TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU TRULY WANT. My best suggestion is to not say things you don’t mean so good luck!
Post # 13
I think your reaction indicates one of two things:
1) You weren’t that sure about marrying this guy in the first place, since this wouldn’t be a deal breaker for a lot of people
2) You really don’t agree with it being ok with guys getting lap dances, your fiance knew this, and blatantly disregarded your feelings on this. Not everyone will have the same opinion about their guy getting lap dances, you have a right to your opinions.
On #2 – Compromise is so important in a marriage and if your Fiance just disregarded your feelings entirely by getting >10 lap dances, it is fair to be concerned. He should have considered you on this weekend – maybe the compromise would have been strip clubs and no lap dances. He could have told the guys he wanted to do other things or quietly asked his Best Man to limit the lap dances. If it is #1, you should think about how you really feel about marrying this guy – marriage is a huge, life changing commitment, and if you are not sure, now is the time to figure it out.
Post # 14
I think the main issue here is jealousy. This is one night where you honestly will never know what happened, and you aren’t sure if you trust him enough to believe what he says. If you DON’T trust him, you can’t marry him. Bachelor parties are more for the friends of the groom than the groom anyway. I would say talk to him about it, and be honest. As for me, I know how you feel. I didn’t want my husband going to a strip club. I think that their last "single" night is the night before we started dating. If he felt the need to go out to see naked women, then I don’t think we would have gotten married, because I wouldn’t think he was ready for that. He didn’t want to go to a strip club, and he told his friends that, and so they didn’t. Lucky for me, he thinks strippers are gross. I also think its disrespectful for my husband to want to be so shallow to go see this stuff. And I didn’t do all that bachelorette stuff like going out to clubs getting drunk and getting guys to do stupid things and all that. I have seen things happen at bachelorette parties that shouldn’t as well. To us, it wasn’t about our last free night, but about going out with our friends. All this being said, it doesn’t mean anything that your Fiance did go to a strip club. His friends wanted to. His friends most likely paid for the dances. I wouldn’t go so far as to say you don’t want to marry him. Thats being irrational. If all he did was see girls dancing naked, in the long run its no big deal. You have to decide what the truth is, by talking to him. This is a guy thing. To them, it really doesn’t mean anything. Its just a silly, immature right of passage.
Post # 15
I think a few of the above posters have a good point – there are bigger issues here:
1) mutual trust in your relationship, and
2) his blatant disregard for your feelings and opinions (and going to Vegas despite your adamant protests).
In my own marriage, the trust that we share means that I trust his judgement in all things, and even if he were dragged out to a club by friends to do dubious things, I have the utmost confidence that he wouldn’t do anything that would compromise our marriage. Of course, for different couples, that line is drawn in different places, so I am not going to say you are "overreacting" because your boundaries are different from mine. The issue here for you is that you and your fiance don’t appear to have the same boundaries. Second, if I were to strongly object to something like this, DH would be supportive of my opinion, or, if he disagreed, we would discuss it such that both of us are satisfied with the resolution. Obviously, this doesn’t work with all conflicts (sometimes you have to agree to disagree), but in this case, when the issue is about perceived infidelity, you two should have worked it out beforehand instead of after the fact, especially if it mattered this much to you.
Like other posters have said, I think you would benefit immensely from counseling, and in fact I wouldn’t get married without it, if I were you. Whether your Fiance is receptive to this will tell you a lot about the future of your relationship.
Post # 16
- Wedding: September 2009 - Rancho Bernardo Inn
I am so sorry to hear how hurt and betrayed you feel. Whether or not you consider lap dances a big deal, I think the bottom line is that you communicated to him how you felt about the bachelor party and he ignored that when he went out with his friends. That is the bigger issue and something that you have a right to be hurt over. It seems that some of your trust has been broken and as a couple you need to process through that. There will always be things (through your relationship and marriage) that come up and times of anger and hurt, but it’s important to know how you work through those times.
I think you need to sit down and talk with him about how you are feeling and try to help him understand your perspective, also try to undersand his. Maybe you can’t do it right now because you are so angry, but as soon as you feel like you can have a productive conversation you need to sit down and talk to him. I also would encourage you to seek out counseling. It does not mean that something is wrong with you, him or the relationship. But a counselor can be a third party who can help communicate the different perspectives, sort through issues without you having to be the bad guy and also just set boundaries for communication in ways that you may not be able to given what is happening.
My Fiance and I are planning to start our own premarital counseling soon and know that there may be tough things that come up, but it can only better our relationship. I’m training as marriage and family therapist and I think that it can be so benefical and important to do premarital counseling as it helps prevent later issues and also gives you someone that you can come back to should you have problems later on.
Let us know how things go…