(Closed) Bachelor Party I am disgusted

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sounds like you needed a reason to back out anyways…..and this was your answer.  My personal beliefs on strippers and lap dances do not matter. (Although I don’t think it’s a big deal, as long as he isn’t touching/licking/kissing etc.) What matters is that you are going to end your relationship with him over this….change your mind on marrying him all together…..I think there is something WAY bigger and deeper than this! Please end it! I think You’ve wanted to for a while!

Post # 33
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

First of all I am wondering why a couple in the most happy time possibly of their relationship be in couples’ counseling for FIVE MONTHS even before this came about?

Isn’t there open dialogue in a counseling session and this is just now rearing its ugly head?

The time to address a potentially upsetting situation is BEFORE the possibility of the event happens.  Talk about things.  BOUNDARIES.  Did your counselor discuss boundaries with the both of you?

As for me, I wouldn’t worry if my guy went.  I wouldn’t be thrilled that’s for sure, but know in my heart and my mind he isn’t the kind of man who is going to be unfaithful.  And I endured that hell with my former husband.  He was unfaithful to me and I went thru 9 kinds of hell with him before I divorced him four and a half years ago.  I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.  But if you have trust issues NOW, that is substantial.  Were there trust issues BEFORE he went to the bachelor party?

Life is a series of choices.  He and you will have to make many over the course of your marriage.  You can either choose to honor your love for one another or you don’t.  While I’m not a supporter of the bachelor party strip club fieldtrip, I don’t think I’d be terribly pissed off at my guy for going.  But the actions ALL ALONG in the relationship give off some warning signs of an inability to remain monogamous for the long haul, I’d discuss this with the therapist tonight and do some hard soul searching.

Had I known now what I didn’t know then?  I might not have married my former husband.  He broke my heart more than you could imagine and I never believed I’d ever love again..but faith is an amazing thing.  And my heart mended in time.  But I was blessed with a wonderful son and a lifetime of love with my little guy and now with my honey at my side as well!  I just have to be 100 percent honest with you because I went thru the pain of infidelity.  It’s thoughtless and self-serving and something that doesn’t "just happen".  It’s a choice you make like I said.  You either honor each other or you don’t. 

I wish you both the best and hope all is able to be mended and you move on from this with a new and stronger love.

Post # 34
Bee
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I can see why this would bother you – but it’s definitely not an issue for everyone. I would never be bothered by my DH getting a lap dance, even before we were married. Unless he habitually visited strip clubs and avoided me in favor of other women. For many men, going to strip clubs and/or watching porn is just a way to fantasize and blow off steam. Men are very visually stimulated (much more so than many women).

You also mention that this was his bachelor party, and likely orchestrated by his friends. They probably forced/goaded him into many lap dances and while he COULD have said "no," (and perhaps should have, if he knew how you felt!) he didn’t. On the one hand, such things are a customary part of bachelor parties and generally (though I can’t speak specifically for your man) don’t mean your husband has been unfaithful or sullied. On the other hand, it sounds like you made your feelings clear and he disregarded them — this is never a good thing.

 

Good luck to you both.

Post # 35
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

On a lighter note, any girls here go to a bachelorette party with a stripper or more? (male ones?) I’ve been to 2 over the years.

I’d like to liken my experiences there with when a guy goes and can say..we didn’t touch. We laughed and it was honestly sorta cheezy. The guys were laughing too. The most controversial thing was when the B2b “tipped” him by stuffing it in his g string. She tightly shut her eyes and did it so fast that she was like lightening. Again, we were laughing and it was no big deal. Her fiancee met up with us afterwards and we all had fun. They’d been to a men’s club too. And he said he didn’t touch. The issue was DROPPED that night. They went on with the wedding and love each other so much still.

Btw..it’s been 3 years they’re married and they’re very happy and very faithful. And are parents too now!

You can work thru this. Just face the issues together with the counselor.

Wishing you both the best.

Post # 36
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - The Venetian

i completely understand and i dont think you are overreacting at all, and this is why: it’s not really about the strip club – it’s something that you were uncomfortable with and didn’t want him to do, but he did it anyway. i would have felt betrayed and wondered what else he  would do against my wishes without thinking of how it would affect me, especially throughout a marriage. a friend of mine experienced this same thing, and I wondered why the heck it was so incredibly important for him to do something that would bother her so much. it was the same story, too – he blamed it on his friends.

that being said,  instead of yelling at him for going to stripclubs, tell him WHY it bothers you, and ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around. what if you were adamant about doing something he wasn’t comfortable with? how would he feel about it? talk to him and try to make him understand that you were upset because you felt he didnt take your feelings into consideration, and that all you really wanted was a compromise, since that is what marriages are about. and then forgive, forget, and look forward to your future together.I know it’s going to be hard at first – It would affect me too!

some girls really dont think stripclubs are a big deal at all, and some girls do. everyone is different!

Post # 37
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

If you feel this strongly and you told him before he left- I wouldn’t marry him.

 

   Personally, my husband would tell me when his bachelor party was and if there would be strippers- and you know what?  If he told me, I wouldn’t care.  It sounds like he tried to put a fast one on you and I would really consider if this upsets you enough not to marry him,

 

  It’s up to you

Post # 38
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Aw, honey, that’s very hard. You’re smart to reach out to this community – and to bring it up at your counseling session tonight. I’d love to hear how it turns out.

I won’t tell you what I think you should do, because only you can make that decision. But just remember this: don’t beat yourself up for feeling angry, hurt, sad, disgusted, etc. This is a very, very common situation. Many brides are uncomfortable about their fiances’ bachelor parties, even when strippers aren’t involved. Sometimes it can feel like you’re the only person in the world to have this sort of pain, but keep in mind that this is just the single lamest part of planning a wedding, and many gals go through the same feelings of mistrust and uncertainty.

However, I would like to respond to the poster who asked why you’ve been in counseling for 5 months – it’s incredibly smart to have premarital counseling. Having a neutral third party teach you how to communicate with one another is invaluable, and has been proven to result in decreased divorce percentages. Good for you for seeing a professional, and for sharing about it.

Just remember that you’ll be fine, no matter what happens. You’re getting a chance to test out the "for worse" part of your vows already – this is a great opportunity to see how well you can work through the rough spots. Don’t worry right now about how you’ll feel on your wedding day. Get through this for now, and focus on the happiest day of your life (which it will be!) afterward.

Post # 40
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I agree with many other posts in that I’m surprised at the lack of communication. My fiance and I have talked about his bachelor party, and my bachelorette party and HE insisted no strippers. I told him if he is adamant on having one, then I should be allowed a male stripper. He HATED that idea, and therefore we compromised. 

To prevent any misunderstandings with his groomsman, my fiancee planned his own bachelor party- karaoke at his favorite pub. I already have all the trust in him in the world, in fact, it would not be unexpected for him to walk out and call me if someone ordered a stripper for him. But that is just OUR relationship. One of the reasons I am marrying this man is because he is a man of convictions, who clearly knows what is right and wrong, and stands upon honesty more than anything. I think it is important to have that faith and trust before marrying a man. I do have to say that I would feel the same in your shoes if the man I was about to marry did that to me. That shows his lack of respect for you and your feelings. In fact, his reluctance to be up front with you shows that he knows he did wrong, and is ashamed.

It is very important for you to talk to him on this. Sit down before the wedding and get this all out into the air. That is going to tell you a lot more than anyone on Weddingbee. As much as we may love you, he has to love you more, and we cant fix this for you. Good luck hun. 

Post # 41
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know some churches in fact require it…ours does.  And it’s perfectly fine.  Again, working thru issues and learning how to positively communicate is vital to all relationships we have..and especially important in marriage.  

Best wishes to you and I hope that you two were able to talk it out and move past this.  You two can do it!

Post # 42
Member
800 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ha, scheer, I said something similar — "If you want to have a stripper or a lap dance, that’s fine. Just let me know so I can hire some strange man to wag his junk in my face."

Post # 43
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I too think your over reacting.  My fiance went to a strip club at lunch last Friday to celebrate for his co workers birthday.  He had a lap dance and I didn’t/don’t mind.  He came home and made love to me which is probably all your fiance wanted to do as well. 

I think if you call off your wedding its because you don’t want to marry him for some reason other than his bachelor party and I think that if that’s deep down what you want maybe you should call it off, but don’t tell him or even yourself that its because of the bachelor party because i don’t think that’s it. 

You need to look at the bachelor party and see the trust you two have, which is the only thing that will make your marriage work.  He came home from his 12 lap dances and told you.  He wasn’t hiding it from you he was being honest. 

Post # 44
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

To the original poster – I would disregard the snarky comments accusing you of overreacting or having poor communication in your relationship. I’m sorry that so many felt it was okay to judge your relationship based on a single post. I think you made it perfectly clear to your Fiance that you didn’t want him going to a strip club, and by attending and getting so many lap dances, he was disregarding your feelings. That being said, only you know the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship, but I applaud you for going to pre-marital counseling. Although some view counseling as a place to go to "fix" a weak relationship, the truth is that premarital counseling is a place to strengthen an already strong relationship and prepare you for the changes that will occur in your relationship when you get married.

As for the allegation that you’ve "overreacted," I think that women’s opinions on strip clubs vary a great deal and there are plenty of us who don’t believe strip clubs are acceptable. For the women who don’t have a problem with strip clubs and have communicated with their FIs about this, that’s perfectly fine. For me and my Fiance, going to a strip club is pretty much a form of cheating. I mean, if your Fiance went to a club and started dancing with another woman and they went to a private room where she got naked and rubbed all over him, wouldn’t that be cheating? For us, a strip club is the exact same thing, only with money involved. And my Fiance and I completely trust each other, as I’m sure you trusted your Fiance – just because we don’t want a naked woman rubbing on our Fiance doesn’t mean we don’t trust him. For women who don’t see strip clubs the same way, that’s completely fine, but you shouldn’t be any less disgusted by what happened because others insist it’s normal.

If you love him and want to make this marriage work, please hang on and work through this with counseling. I know it will be difficult to see the groomsmen at the wedding because you’re likely angry at them as well, but hopefully by talking about this with your Fiance you’ll be able to work through everything and still enjoy your wedding day. If you decide that this is a "deal breaker," you should know that this is okay as well. I wish you all the best in coming out of this happy and doing what is best for you.

 

Post # 45
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think the important point is not whether strip clubs and lap dances are *okay* or not – as that is completely subjective.  I’m in the camp that says they are not okay, and I have dated plenty of guys who also thought they were skanky, degrading (to both men and women) and would have the strength of character to tell their friends that they weren’t interested, and wouldn’t participate. 

If you surf through older posts, you will see that a huge percentage of bachelor parties are about different kinds of activities – golfing, white water rafting, camping trips – traditional guy things that have nothing to do with strippers.

And honestly, the kind of thing you are talking about would have been a complete deal breaker for me as well.  Not solely because of the strippers – but more because if I express a very strong opinion on something, I expect my husband to respect that.  And he expects the same.  We don’t make a practice of telling each other what to do, but each of us gets a certain amount of veto power.  If I completely and passionately object to something, even if he doesn’t understand or agree, he would never just go off and do it regardless of my feelings.  That kind of disregard for one another is no basis for a marriage.

I would also like to say, for all the women who have said that this is just how guys are, it’s something you have to put up with, if you don’t want to hear the answer don’t ask the question, if you really love him you can get past this – I have heard really similar statements of justification from women who stay with men who sleep around.  No, it’s not just how men are.  No, you don’t have to put up with it.  And if your partner is out doing things that you really can’t hear about without getting upset – what the heck are you doing with him?  And if he can’t be reasonably considerate of your feelings now, why would you think that will get any better once you’re married?

Post # 46
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I hope we will get an update on this post, please let us know how things work out! A lot of us are hurting for you right now.

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