(Closed) Bachelor Party I am disgusted

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

First of all, I am so sorry to read your post.  My heart is sad for you, and I am trying to imagine how you must feel.

Most of these ladies think you are overreacting, but I don’t think you are.  I would feel the same way.  My husband and I have talked about this before, and we both consider it a form of cheating.  If I found out my husband had done this, I would be devestated.. it would mean he wasn’t the man I thought he was. 

I don’t buy the notion that strip club bachelor parties are a "right of passage" or a "last night of freedom."  In my opinion, the last night he should have random, naked women all over him should be the night before he enters into a committed relationship, not the night (or weekend, or month or whatever) before his wedding. 

If your guy was at a normal nightclub and a woman was dancing all over him and taking her clothes, would that be okay?  Why is it okay just because he is paying for it?

All of my husband’s friends have had bowling, or video game bachelor parties, and I am encouraged by that.  There are plenty of options that aren’t so raunchy.

To me this goes beyond the surface of him being in a strip club and having lap dances.   To me, this is a respect issue… respect for you and your relationship together.

 I hope you can figure everything out.  Please update soon to let us know what is going on.

Post # 48
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 13 years ago

15 lap dances is WAY OVER my limit!

I would demand he bathes in sanitizer and takes all kinds of STDs (not the good ones) tests before he could even touch me!

I hope you can solve this & if you can’t get past this…DON’T. Don’t give up your self-respect but make sure that whatever you choose is REALLY what you want. 

and for the poster whose bf went to a strip club for lunch and then made love to her….EW! but to each its own.

 

Post # 49
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2009

sorry darlin.

jus a few thoughts.

would yu have broken yr marriage if u had heard about it later? possibly no.

let him know you hurt and it is not acceptable.

marriages are for better and worse. sorry you have the worst now.

would you regret not marryin him?

go ahead and enjoy yr wedding day, sweets. 

Post # 50
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I didn’t read all the posts so forgive me if I’m repeating what others already mentioned…

 I agree with most of the posts here that you are overracting a bit, please don’t take offense, just offering my thoughts, — could it be a trust issue between you two? I for one completely trust mine with whatever he does. 

As for bachelor parties, it’s totally an excuse for all his friends to get drunk and go to a strip club…my fiance’s friends has been planning his bach party the second they found out he’s getting married, and told me they’re going with or without him, boys are just like that…and they will tell me what they do, it seems like your fiance tells you everything…so why do you have to worry? and to even think about not marrying him just because of a stupid bachelor party? there has to be more underlying reasons

Post # 51
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, if your FI’s friends are going "with or without him," what’s the problem with them going without him?

Here’s what I don’t get – if your Fiance didn’t drink – let’s say you were Muslim or LDS – would it be okay for him to go out and get drunk with his buddies just because you were getting married?  Or would you expect him to abide by the moral and ethical standards that you normally live by?

There is nothing wrong with feeling like it’s not okay for your guy to go to strip clubs.  And the idea that it’s somehow better if he does, even if you have some agreement that he won’t, because he doesn’t lie about it?  That just doesn’t work for me.  Is it better if your partner is truthful with you?  Absolutely.  But telling the truth about something doesn’t automatically make it okay.

And really, the whole "for better or worse" thing doesn’t even apply.  First of all, they’re not married.  So it’s actually a good time to be finding out if there are issues you can’t get past – because you still have time to call it off!  And honestly, "for better or worse" doesn’t mean you have to put up with just anything. 

The whole point is, this is completely personal.  If you think it’s great for your guy to go to a strip club every weekend, and you enjoy him coming home horny from staring at other women, good for you.  If you think strip clubs are skanky and unacceptable, and you don’t want to marry a man who enjoys going to them, good for you too!  If that’s your preference, you shouldn’t feel bad about it – just like you shouldn’t feel bad if you want to marry a man who doesn’t drink, or shares your religeon… or who shares any other moral principal that is important to you.  Because that’s what this is about – whether the poster somehow has to or should accept behavior from her Fiance that is offensive to her.  And the answer is:  No, she doesn’t.  Just because your guy likes to go to strip clubs, and you either don’t mind or don’t think you have any say in the matter, doesn’t mean that she has to accept it. 

Post # 52
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Bravo, Suzanno!!!  You said exactly what I was thinking, but I was having trouble putting the words to.  Especially that last paragraph,

Post # 53
Member
800 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow, Rolin. That was waaay inappropriate. Read the disclaimer about no personal attacks before you post any more comments.

Post # 54
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I don’t think that it’s right that he went to those places when you told him you didn’t want him to. To me, that would make me feel like he didn’t care how I would feel. I hope that after you talk to him about how hurt you feel that he tells you he is sorry that his actions upset you and that you guys work things out. I know that I would be extremely upset with my fiance if he did go to the strip clubs for his party(especially since I’ve told him there will be no strib clubs/strippers/lap dances, etc), but I know I would eventually get over it with time, because I couldn’t imagine my life with out him.

Post # 55
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Do you love him?

Do you trust him?

Do you understand that bachelor parties are about the friends and not the groom?

Does he love you?  Does he trust you?  Does he still want to marry you,or does he want to be with a stripper now?

Ask yourself these questions, and then rethink why the bachelor party disgusts you. 

Post # 56
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Well, a lot of people have already weighed in here, and I’m not sure I can really say anything new, but it’s a hot-button issue and I still want to respond.

Don’t feel obligated to listen to the people telling you it’s no big deal. I would be horrified if my fiance went to a strip club (he himself has no interest and all his groomsmen know it already; the last bachelor party he went to, they played a D&D game where the groom-to-be had to go on a quest to rescue his future bride!).

Regardless of how you two feel about it morally, the key issue is this: You made it clear that you had a problem with it, and he still went.

Whether or not that breach of trust was so grave as to make it impossible for you to go through with marrying him, I can’t say–only you can. But it was obviously a breach of trust to you, and I imagine you are afraid that if he can break trust with you once, he can do it again. 

The key here is communication. Make sure he knows exactly WHY you are upset. Make sure he understands why and how you feel he betrayed your trust. Make sure he knows that it isn’t about strippers or lap dancers or anything like that per se, but about what his actions imply about his feelings. He might have had no idea that it was such a big issue for you, or that if he went ahead and did it, that it would hurt you so badly. 

Give him a chance to really find out how you feel and what he did–without anger or cruelty. That’s the tough part. Lay it out calmly and logically. Explain your thought process so he can understand.. and then wait and see what he does. If he deserves you, he will do what he can to make up for it.

After that, your last (and maybe most difficult) job is to LET him make up for it. 

I feel so terrible for you. Please update us and let us know how your latest counseling session went, and what you plan to do.

Post # 57
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I hope this isn’t too late. I think you are NOT over-reacting. Chances are, if he gets lap dances before you are married, what’s to stop him after you are married. My husband listened when I asked him not to have a bachelor party, I think they are disgusting and immature. If he is ready to marry you and be with you, and only you, he shouldn’t have to have "one last time" before you are married. This is my opinion and I hope you listen to your heart, and BRAIN, you don’t want a man who doesn’t listen to you or respect you and your wishes.

Post # 58
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Oh and if bachelor parties are about the friends and not the groom, why should the groom even go. Honestly, what kind of friends are they if they are going to get the groom in trouble with his future wife. 

 

Post # 59
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I was browsing the boards and saw your post about your fiances bachelor party. I don’t think you are overreacting so don’t let some the other posts get you down. You can’t help how you feel. I would feel betrayed also. I don’t know that it’s something to call of the wedding for, but definately get some counseling. Otherwise this is one thing that will eat at you and will cause problems later on. I feel for you. I really do. You deserve respect and you deserve the truth from him. My fiance does not want to involvine strip clubs in his bachelor party. And here is the reason. We both work part time together on the weekend at a topless bar. He is a valet attendent, I am a bartender. We work the same shifts. We’ve been doing it for years. We do it for the extra cash.  Now I’m sure we’ll be judged for working there, but we do it because the money is good. That being said, we both cannot stand the dancers and most of the customers because we see what really goes on. 99% ot the time it’s not innocent fun. There are a few, and I mean a FEW bachelors that I see that are very uncomfortable being there. The no touching and hands off rules are jokes most of the time. Money can change any rules in a place like this. Im sorry if it’s too much info for some people but I get sick sometimes watching these bachelor parties. I could go on and on. I have seen it all. I have no respect for the men that take part in this behavior. I’ve told off lots grooms who I see disrespecting their fiance by their behavior. Thank goodness my guy is so put off by what we see at this place, he wants nothing to do with it. His bachelor party is a camping trip to a friends cabin. And now Im ready to be told off by a few people on here but it’s the truth.  I hate to see women misled about what really happens at these places. Feel free to message me

Post # 60
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

My fiance and I have both agreed not to have any kind of parties. And we both said that there is no reason to. If you dont feel like you can be yourself with your fiance then why are you getting married? Why do you feel like you have to have this one last "single" party? YOUR NOT SINGLE! You have a relationship with someone who is supposed to be very important to you and that person is waiting at home for you. I’m sorry that your feeling this way and that he did this to you. Vegas is just out of the question. And if you feel like you can’t trust him and dont trust him in not knowing what he did…and he acts like it was ok…then you have a big question to ask yourself. I wish the best for you. He may have said that he had no choice…but he did. You see those movies where they said they had no choice to their fiance…and Im sure you know what happens.

Post # 61
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

If you truly feel like you can’t go through with the wedding knowing what you know, don’t. No amount of wedding planning obligates you to do it. This is a huge life decision that should be surrounded by joy, not feelings of betrayal and disgust.

I encourage you to communicate your feelings to your fiance and search within yourself if this is the man you want to marry. We can’t do that for you. And no one here can tell you your feelings are unjust–they’re your feelings and you’re entitled to have them respected. But also remember, your reaction is mostly emotional right now, so temper it with what you do know about your relationship. People do work around betrayal. I have.

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