- 4 years ago
- Wedding: City, State
I think you’re right to be second-guessing things. He seems incredibly emotionally immature.
It sounds like you are thinking clearly. You are right to bring this up before the wedding!! I think engagement is an important time for people decide if they really are doing the right thing by getting married. It sounds selfish that he flipped out when you brought up your concerns.
Wow, it’s definitely concerning he “flipped out” on you!!!
I’m so sorry you are having to go through all this two months before your wedding but like you said, better to find out now.
You might want to check into couples counseling to see if you guys can get some help working things out before the wedding.
Good luck Bee!
I think you’re being really brave, not allowing an impending wedding to cloud your judgment over what really matters. Honestly, I really believe that life just gets harder. Parents die, health issues crop up, kid issues crop up, etc. You need to feel like a united front with your partner, and you should never question that you are their first priority (and visa versa). If he needs to give up traveling to exotic places, or if at the very least he needs to limit that passion for your sake, that’s what he needs to do. Being in a marriage means sacrificing for another person, and doing it willingly (hell, maybe even happily at times).
At the very least, I hope your fiance agrees to seeing a counselor. That could really help open up these issues. Is there a chance he doesn’t understand how selfish he’s being? I’m hoping that’s the crux of all this. Good luck!!
This makes me so sad, but it sounds like you’re doing what’s right for you. You’re brave and strong. I can’t believe your Fiance would flip out at the idea of having a honeymoon in a “boring” place like Greece or Tahiti and would rather not have a honeymoon at all.
I also wanted to comment on your post about how you loved travelling and had dreamed of dedicating your life to international humanitarian work. That path is still open to you! Literally the biggest humanitarian crisis in the world today is unfolding (in part) on the shores of Greece, with the influx of Syrian refugees who have made the dangerous Mediterranean boat crossing. You could go there and make a difference.
It sounds like your Fiance actually has a very limited and immature view of adventure: to him, it means trekking in the wilderness at the standard bucket-list places. But you can also find adventure by interacting with people in extraordinary circumstances. And you can make a difference and save lives while doing it.
Have you guys gone through premarital counseling?
This isn’t really about him not being excited to wedding plan…
No wonder you are upset bee. He is being very unreasonable. As if your honeymoon suggestions were boring! Me and my Fiance both love travel and we were deciding between Greece and Tahiti for our honeymoon (we decided on Greece).
When it comes to him having more fun on his friend trips, I think you are each half right. Typically you do have more “fun” when out with a group of friends compared to your long term SO. That just can’t be helped. Like when I go out to dinner with friends, we chat all night and laugh loudly. When at dinner with Fiance, we usually sit in silence. But that doesn’t mean I hate the Fiance dinner, in fact I look forward to relaxing quietly with him after a hard days work. So you can’t really compare the two is what I’m saying.
Having said that, your Fiance should be looking for things you two can enjoy together, instead of just giving up and saying there is nothing. That is just mean.
Is it possible he took all those pictures so he could share the experience with you?
Oh I’m so sorry bee! He is being quite cruel to refuse to travel with you, but I could give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t realise what he was doing. But then he flipped out when you brought it up. Whatever the issue, discussing problems and feelings is something you have to do in a marriage! His resistance to traveling with you is quite astounding. I mean who tells their fiance that a honeymoon with them will be so boring they’d rather not go at all?? And I refuse to believe that he has literally ‘done’ all of Europe. I wonder if there is some subconscious block going on? I truly hope he comes to his senses and treats you with more love and understanding (suck up your Crohn’s and go where he wants?? I mean…)
Would love an update, hopefully things are going to get better for OP and her fiance.
So sorry you’re in this situation. He is not being considerate of your emotional or physical needs, and that is the heart of the problem. Both are extremely important, and you will need support in both areas to be happy in your marriage. Pinkshoes summed this up very well at the end – I think her options were correct. One of you will have to give something up and compromise. And while marriage is ALL about compromising, you have to decide if these kinds of compromises are reasonable for you. You shouldn’t have to go through your marriage without your husband’s emotional and physical support. It’s also really sad that he doesn’t see a honeymoon as something worth celebrating, even if he doesn’t get to pick the location. Even if my DH and I would have had to have a staycation and not leave the county, we would have done something special after the wedding to enjoy our newlywed status.
His reaction to you bringing up this issue is very concerning as well. You should be able to bring up things your concerned about and he should be supportive. It can be normal to be a little defensive at first – DH and I can both be that way, but once we have a little time then we get less defensive and ready to talk through things better. And we would never react in a way that could be qualified as “flipping out.” If he can’t talk to you about things soon and calm down, know he will probably react this way to issues in your marriage as well.
Good luck to you bee, let us know how everything goes.
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