Post # 1
Hi bees, I’m a longtime reader, but first time poster. I’m Maid/Matron of Honor of my best friend’s wedding this summer and truly honored! One of my jobs, of course, is planning the bachelorette party. We met in college and had our share of partying days – she’s definitely my wilder half. I know she wants a wild and crazy party and I want to make her happy. I’m hoping to have a destination party where we can get a hotel and spend the night bar hopping and dancing which I know she’ll enjoy.
My problem stems from the fact that, by nature, she and a lot of our other friends are much more out there than me. She wants a strip club night, female and/or male, and I have never been to one and have NO desire to go to one. Also, I am in a serious relationship and my SO would be upset if I went to one. It’s something that’s a deal breaker in my relationship, if my Boyfriend or Best Friend went to one I would see it as cheating, so I can’t do the same to him. But it’s my friend’s night and I want her to get what she wants out of it as well. Is it acceptable for me to pass the planning duties off to someone else? Have a night a week later or so where she and the other interested girls can go to a club in town? Or another solution? She is a very strong personality type and I know she will want to pressure me in to going by saying its her last single night and probably be upset that I won’t go.
Post # 3
I think she’ll probably be hurt and won’t understand. I wouldn’t consider going to a strip club cheating nor my husband think the same. We both understand it’s all fake and just for fun. It’s not like it’s done everyday, it’s a one night thing. Why not you throw the shower as your friend wants and you also allow your boyfriend to go to the male party. You’ll see it’s not big deal.
Post # 4
This is a tricky one! Given that your friends sound perfectly comfortable with strippers, I imagine it would be very difficult for them to accept that you and your SO regard going to a strip club as cheating (personally, I don’t understand how seeing a naked person is cheating, but you and your relationship is obviously different).
Perhaps continue organising the bachelorette party as you normally would, but leave the strippers for last. That way you can head home as they move on to the strippers, without worrying about “cheating”. The only issue might be the bride and your friends trying to pressure you into staying with them, but as long as you’re firm in it, you should be fine. Perhaps ask your SO to pick you up at a designated time in the evening?
Post # 5
I believe every relationship is different. I would be uncomfortable being in a strip club. Other people have no problem with it. Ultimately, it is your decision to walk through those doors. Nobody can make that decision for you. If you decline, that should be end of story. Nobody should be pressuring someone to do something that they are not comfortable with. It would be a shame if you planned this bachelorette party and it ended up you going back to the hotel by yourself because they all went to the strip club.
I think you should have a discussion with the bride about how you feel and go from there.
Post # 6
I would plan it for the WAY end of the night, and just head home/back to the hotel when they go to the strip club!
Post # 7
@BrandNewBride: This is how I handle planning nights out fairly often with wilder folks than I and it works brilliantly. You make sure the thing you don’t want to do is last thing on the agenda, then you beg off at the end. Nobody faults you because you were there for most of it, and everyone’s happy.
Post # 8
You have to honor your relationship. Just because she is getting married doesn’t mean you need to cross boundaries in your relationship. Ask if she is willing to have fun at a place other than a strip club. If she isn’t, plan a night for her and go home when they hit the strip club.
Post # 9
I also am really against strip clubs and although I don’t see it as cheating, I do see it as BAD as cheating. My Fiance knows that, and I have told him time and time again that I do not want him to have strippers (he said he doesn’t even want them, but I know his friends…). Anyway, I agree with another bee, plan it for the end of the night and you can just go home. My Maid/Matron of Honor does not agree with my view of strippers either, but I know she will not try and force me into going to a club. But she doesn’t agree with me, and if your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t agree either (which it sounds like she won’t) I don’t think throwing your personal morals out the door, if even for one “special occasion” night is worth it.
Post # 10
@carolinabelle: Your relationship with your SO (and your own personal beliefts) trumps your friendship with the bride. I would just be honest, “Sorry but I want nothing to do with strippers. If you want it to have strippers then that’s ok, but you’ll need to ask someone else to organise it because I won’t be there”
Also if she’s your best friend, surely she knows what you’re like and must have been half expecting this response. Do not be swayed by any “last single night” rubbish, you need to be at peace with your own values.
Post # 11
I think that conversations should be had with both the bride and you SO. You should definitely explain your discomfort with the bride, and explain to your SO what she might be expecting as a bachelorette party, and discuss it with him. I think that if you explain it the right way, your friend will understand that you’re just not into it, and feel it will damage your relationship. If she’s your best friend, she should understand. Maybe feel disappointed, but in the end, she should understand.
Post # 12
I agree with everyone who suggests that you plan a night with various fun activities, add the strip club/stripper to the end of the night, and bail right before then.
I do NOT think that you should have a sit-down with the bride over this. All she wants is a fun night out, and it’s all a part of her experience as a bride, and she shouldn’t have to deal with a deep conversation about your reservations and relationship boundaries. I also think that you should still plan it, as you are the Maid/Matron of Honor.
If she’s a reasonable friend and bride, all you’ll have to say is “I’m in for most of the night, but I’m not going to the strip club because SO and I aren’t comfortable with it. I hope that doesn’t bother you too much, and I’m still really looking forward to the party!”
Then entertain no more conversation about it.
Post # 13
This is a sticky situation. I’m pretty sure the bride wouldn’t understand your viewpoint as it’s pretty much a “wide acceptance” (Your mileage may vary) that strippers aren’t cheating. But, you’re entitled to the way you feel and if that’s how you feel, no one can hold that against you.
I would tell her straight up that if a strip club is a part of the deal you will be unable to make it. If she asks, you can say that it has to do with you being uncomfortable in the situation.
She’s probably going to try to pressure you into it, but if this is something you’re really against you need to stand your ground.
She has the right to go where she wants on her bachelorette party, but you also have the right to not be put into a situation where you’re uncomfortable.
Post # 14
@LALaw: 100% this. I think a sit down with the bride over your values is unnecessary and would make everything a much bigger deal than it has to be.
I agree with everyone else who said that you can still organize the party, but make sure the strip club is the very last event of the night so that you can leave. Definitely tell the bride ahead of time that you wont be going to the strip club so that she is aware, but emphasize how excited you are about the party. I think if you dont make it a big deal that you aren’t going to the strip club, others wont make it a big deal either.
Post # 15
@carolinabelle: Instead of just strippers why not go to a cabaret/burlesque show? It’s still fun and rowdy, but in a much classier way. One of my friends did this for her bachelorette party, and it was a great time for everyone.
Post # 16
Thanks everyone for all of the thoughts and suggestions. Me changing my mind or being talked in to seeing it as “not cheating” is not really the topic at hand and also not really possible (former BFs have certainly tried ). To me, being naked and lusting after a person/people is a very intimate thing and I’d rather have that contained to my relationship. Luckily my current Boyfriend or Best Friend agrees and no one else has to. I don’t judge anyone who goes to a strip club and I certaintly don’t think they’re cheating on their SOs (as long as their SO is okay with it), but for me it’s a dealbreaker. Even if I wasn’t in a relationship I wouldn’t be interested in going to a strip club, it would make me uncomfortable and I think the whole idea is beyond trashy, but again, I don’t fault someone else for wanting to go. Also, my SO knows the bride quite well, through me, and knows what she’s like. I’ve already told him that she’s mentioned wanting to go the stripper route and how I felt about it.
My only concern is the fact that my friend is very much in a “my wedding, change your lives to fit me until the big day is over” kind of mindset and while I’m usually happy to oblige, this is one thing that I just can’t stomach doing – even for her. She does know to some degree how I feel about strip clubs/strippers, but on the other hand she’s the type that will want me to sacrifice for her and I don’t want to cause a problem between us when I refuse to. I think I will ask one of her other BMs (one who is more parallel to her personality wise) if she would be willing to plan that part of the night, if everyone else is interested, as the wrap up to everything else. I don’t mind going back to the hotel myself or with one or two others who might prefer not to go (I have a feeling the bride’s sister shares my reservations and views) – I’m a bit of a lightweight since graduating college anyway.