Bachelorette Party – Bride gathering up the guests for the MOH

posted 4 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
4814 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t really get the big deal with you helping to make contact with the girls, they are your friends after all. It sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor is just a bit awkward reaching out to people she doesn’t know. 

I dunno, this just wouldn’t bother me.

Post # 3
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

zzar45 :  I agree, I don’t think this is a big deal.  

Post # 4
2810 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

bride2be2019 :  I swear I responded to this yesterday, weird.

Anyways, I was involved with the initial planning of my bachelorette party. Basically started a group text, figured out which dates worked for everyone, budget, then we picked a location and house together. My friends wanted my input and I was fine to give it.

After we got the basics figured out my sister took over and they started a seperate group chat without me and planned all of the “surprise” aspects of the trip, my sister also took care of collecting people’s money and what not. 

It’s not THAT weird, but it does seem a bit odd that your Maid/Matron of Honor is afraid to text someone she doesn’t know… I’ve planned a couple bachelorette parties where I didn’t know some of the girls, I just got their info and reached out- no big deal.

Post # 5
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

Tbh, I don’t open messages/texts/invites/notifications I get from people I don’t know, so unless I got a message from someone I knew about something like this, I wouldn’t know about it.

Also, I think it’s a little…strange, and if I were your Maid/Matron of Honor I would be surprised and overwhelmed that you went from not going to do a bachelorette to suddenly there is a guest list of 20 people. If I were Maid/Matron of Honor for a friend who had no other bridesmaids and didn’t expect a bachelorette, I’d have a low key thing in mind with like…8 people invited tops.

I don’t think it’s a big deal for the bride to get in touch with her guest list about being invited to an event. If you had to do all the actual planning that’s one thing, but inviting people is not a big deal IMO.

And as for being sad about rejections, you’re going to have to deal with it when the wedding RSVPs start coming in so just be prepared.

Post # 6
5965 posts
Bee Keeper

You sound like a total diva here. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is still going through a lot of work to plan it, and you don’t even want to initiate the contact? Sheesh, ungrateful much? 

Post # 8
4102 posts
Honey bee

I guess I don’t see the big deal here. It’s not a surprise party. There’s no reason for you to not know about declines. You would have figured it out when they weren’t at your party.

I nearly missed a good friend’s surprise birthday party because the organizer (her sister) used my work email from her address book and it got caught by the spam filter. Luckily the organizer had the good sense to come up with a ruse about needing my advice about something I’m knowledgable in for my friend to call me (correctly guessing I would not pick up for a number I don’t recognize since we normally don’t communicate outside my friend/her sister) so I would actually pick up the phone.  They managed to distract my friend long enough to ask me if I got the email.  Another friend contacted her entire guest list ahead of time to let them know that they should expect an invitation via email from the organizer of her baby shower. It’s a good thing she did because I knew to look out for it and it got quarantined.

I really don’t think it’s that unusual, and it sounds like a list of 20 people (which honestly seems a bit extra – it’s one thing for it to be the wedding party and maybe a sibling, close cousin or additional extra friend or two who she may even already be acquainted with) who are mostly strangers to your friend. Maybe she’s shy or a little socially anxious. But I really don’t think she’s been unreasonable asking for your assistance in making the initial contact since they are your friends, not hers.  Now if she was constantly hounding you to make decisions about the actual party itself, then I could see your aggravation.  Perhaps you are letting other stressors negatively affect your perception of what is really happening here…which is a good friend wants to ensure you have a good party with all the people you want to be there.

Post # 9
2865 posts
Sugar bee

It’s very normal to be involved in that part. I think the only time that you MIGHT not is if the Maid/Matron of Honor and bride have identical friend groups.

My sister planned my coed bachelor(ette), but I reached out to all my friends and husband’s friends and figured out what date would work best and got everyone in contact. I was included in all the planning emails as well. 

Post # 10
762 posts
Busy bee

Bee,sorry but get over yourself – they are your friends, I don’t see why it’s so hard to help your Maid/Matron of Honor out with first contact and to explain what’s happening..

Perfectly normal and hardly a big deal. Stop being a diva.

To PPs – 20 is a normal initial no for hens in the U.K. they usually whittle down to a more manageable no..

Post # 11
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

bride2be2019 :  I recently read a story where the best man accidently invited the wrong person to the bachelor party because he messed up the email address the groom gave him, the random guy ended up attending and it was a funny story but your Maid/Matron of Honor probably doesn’t want that to happen. Plus I’m pretty sure you have to be facebook friends with someone in order to invite them to an event so it’s easier for you to add them than your Maid/Matron of Honor to request them, hope they accept and then invite. 

For my bachelorette I told each friend the details and then let them know my Maid/Matron of Honor would contact them with further info. It really wasn’t a lot of work at all, and I wanted everyone to feel comfortable

Post # 12
11462 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Contrary to what PPs are saying, your instincts are correct. Other than provide contact information, and discussing preferences with the host, you are not properly involved in any of the direct recruiting and planning. I do think 20 is way too large a group. 

If your Maid/Matron of Honor was uncomfortable reaching out herself, I’d explain that you are too, and why. I’d also let her off the hook and tell her none of it is necessary. 

I don’t do out of town bachelorettes either. That person wanted you to see her note and was sending a message. 

Post # 13
4814 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Your views on bachelorette etiquette is always so rigid, I think you’ll find that your view of what is acceptable actually isn’t the norm anymore. Things change, as seen by the majority of this thread most brides have some level of involvement in terms of reaching out to their friends and just because you say so doesn’t make it incorrect. 

weddingmaven :  

Post # 14
832 posts
Busy bee

Idk bee…it sounds like she’s more on the introvert side/maybe first time throwing a bach party? But it seems like you feel too involved than you’d prefer. You seem to be stressing over something that should be a great, carefree night for you. The first bach I planned I was a bit anxious (I’m pretty extroverted) and juggling a bunch of girl’s info was such a pain. Just being honest. I think my friend had invited around 25 girls? (About half or so showed) and it was stressful. From getting everyone’s budget numbers, to getting them to pay for their part, etc etc and I didn’t have the best night due to feeling like I had to make sure everyone wasn’t throwing up and safe. The 2nd bach party I was involved in I actually had to step down from. She invited around the same amount (25ish girls) and when some kept declining then she’d add more girls. The other planner kept including her in our ideas and she’d inappropriately step in and shut down any ideas that weren’t to her liking.

I’m not saying you’re doing any of this, but you will have some declines. So it won’t help that you have to filter through the rsvps. Personally I’d just let her handle it or tell her you’d prefer something more laid back. As a previous MOH/bach planner, I would never suggest 20 girls….maybe it’s too many for her to “handle”.

Post # 15
7613 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

bride2be2019 :  Yeah, I don’t see the problem. I helped set up a FB group for my Maid/Matron of Honor ( my sister ) and then left when everyone had joined. Took 5 mins of my time and made it so much easier for her. 

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