Post # 1
My bachelorette party is coming up in a few weeks, and I already knew one of my bridesmaids couldn’t make it to the party. We’ve been friends for 10 years so it’s really a bummer she won’t be there, but it seemed undrestandable because she lives out of town and life gets busy!
However she just posted on social media about her and our other best friend/bridesmaid are going on vacation together with their husbands NEXT WEEK???
My feelings are very hurt because she never mentioned this to me when she said she wasn’t able to make it to my party. I would still be hurt that I wasn’t included in their vacation, but it’s extra crappy that it seems she chose that over celebrating with me.
How should I approach this? Part of me wants to just ignore it and not say anything, but then there’s seeing our other friend at my bachelorette party after their vacation. What would you do???
(To be clear, I know this seems mostly about being hurt I wasn’t invited, and that I had to find out over facebook–fair, that’s true. But there’s also the fact they’re in my wedding and things are extra stressful so I don’t want things to be weird!)
Post # 2
saarnlo : you should approach this by doing nothing. She and her husband (and your other friend and her husband) are entitled to do whatever they want for vacation without consulting you. It doesn’t matter why she declined your bachelorette party, it’s not a mandatory wedding event for a bridesmaid and you said it yourself – she gave you notice and she lives out of town.
Maybe they assumed you would be too busy and financially stretched to do a vacation a short period before your wedding. Maybe they didn’t want their vacation to be consumed about talking about wedding stuff?
Post # 3
How do you approach this? You don’t. They are allowed to have lives beyond your wedding. It may sting, but life stings now and then and we just have to deal with it. You enjoy your party, and tell them you hope they have a nice vacation, and you’ll get the chance to celebrate together at your upcoming wedding.
Post # 4
I would ask to see pictures of her vacation and leave it at that.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME
saarnlo : I know it hurts, but PPs are right – you just leave it alone. They may have had this trip planned well before your bachelorette party, or maybe it was a gift or free trip they won – who knows. Even if they planned it after your bach was set, they can choose what to do with their time off and money. Vent to your FH, it’s okay to feel sad and dissapointed! Just don’t let it affect your friendship, as hard as it can be.
Post # 6
It’s very likely that the vacation was planned before your bachelorette party. Attending a bach party is not a mandatory or even necessary part of a wedding celebration for bridesmaids. People have their own lives and they often do not include you – even if you’re getting married. Sure, it’s special to you and your fiance. But to other couples it’s likely that a vacation supercedes your wedding in terms of excitement and desirability.
So face facts and don’t mess up your relationship over such a trivial matter.
Post # 7
“Part of me wants to just ignore it and not say anything”
Go with that part of you.
She is not obliged to inform you of everything that happens in her life or invite you on holidays where she wishes to spend time with other friends.
Let it go and enjoy your get together.
Post # 8
saarnlo : I understand that you’re disapointed that she can’t make it to your bachelorette party, and that you and your fiance weren’t invited on the couples trip, but I would just drop it. It’s probably nothing personal, her life doesn’t revolve around you and she doens’t need to run her trips by you.
Don’t make drama by approaching this in any fashion, just let it be.
Post # 9
Bee, I feel you. I’m always sensitive about being left out and this would really hurt my feelings to not be included.
But, you have to try and remind yourself that these two are your close friends, they are standing up for you at your wedding, and they obviously care about you. There could be dozens of reasons why they made their plans without you, and probably 99% of them are nothing personal. They probably realize that you’ll feel excluded even if you say nothing, which is why they probably said nothing about it directly to you.
Try to enjoy your party and please, please, resist any urge to make any passive aggressive comments about it to your friend that is coming. Even a “joke” will fall flat.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
I guess I’m confused on why you’d assume you’d be invited. Do the three of you usually only do things together? I don’t understand why it wouldn’t be okay for two best friends to go on a vacation without you. This has a pretty big tinge of jealousy to it.
I agree with PP that you should leave this alone. Have your feelings, but leave it at that. None of this comes across well at all and could likely ruin your friendship with both of your friends if you make it a big issue between you all.
Post # 11
Thank you to everyone for reassuring that keeping it cool is the way to go—I tend to not take things personally but this was really hard because she hasn’t been super supportive so I was really reading into it.
Post # 12
somedaymrsj : You’re right, of course I agree they can go on vacation together without including me! And of course I’m jealous!
We’ve all grown up together for 10 years (we’re now in our early 20’s) and have had sleepovers and beach trips etc, sometimes together and many times without one of us being invited.
We are very involved in each other’s lives. The fact that they never mentioned it is what caught me off guard, I completely understand BM’s can’t always make it to every wedding event—over the past 4 weddings we’ve been involved in for each other, we’ve figured that much out.
I still stand by the fact it’s shady neither of them said anything about their vacation but posted about it on social media—I also know they aren’t intentionally shoving it in my face so I’m going to take everyone’s advice!
Post # 13
Tatum : sooo true, thanks for your wisdom! we have our whole lives ahead of us and vacations and weddings are all fun celebrations! I will definitely hang onto this advice
Post # 14
saarnlo : I still stand by the fact it’s shady neither of them said anything about their vacation but posted about it on social media—I also know they aren’t intentionally shoving it in my face…
That’s a tough one, because they probably were uncomfortable talking about it to you directly, knowing they weren’t inviting you. But they probably also felt like not mentioning it on social media, when they would normally do so, would feel like they were intentionally trying to hide it from you.
Is your fiance friendly with the two husbands? Maybe they just felt like they didn’t know him well enough to include you both on a couples’ trip.
Post # 15
Tatum : My fiancé was friends with one of my friends and her husband before they even started dating!
At this point because of the wedding and that we have a couple other friends in the group who are less close, I understand completely that they’re planning the trip together. They’ve hung out many times as couples without us and I don’t let that get to me…but maybe it’s built up now.
One thing is that my fiancé is a couple years younger than us—one of my friend’s husband is 10+ years older than her and the other friend’s husband is a couple years older. We’re also a part of an open-door church and neither of my friends support that. Now that I know they’ve been hanging out and planning vacations it seems like that’s really affecting things!