Post # 1
Bees help me! I am very annoyed right now.
Back story: I’m in a friend’s wedding in a few weeks. She has said more than once (including just at her shower a few weeks ago) that we are not having a bachelorette party. I said really? You sure? ok whatever you want, etc.
Last week Maid/Matron of Honor emails me and the other Bridesmaid or Best Man about the bach party and says we need to get planning on it b/c the wedding’s approaching. Um, what? I respond that bride said she didn’t want one? Well now apparently she does. And she wants to do something like get a massage, go to dinner, karaoke etc. Not only that, but we are only able to do this the week BEFORE the wedding since the bride has finals and such. Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t able to do it on the weekend so that leaves mon-thurs of wedding week?? I suggested a fun dinner and both girls agreed. Seeing how we work, this would be something we could do for the few available hours after a work day. I am not thrilled at all to have to fit this in the week of the wedding. But, because she changed her mind last week we now have to work around 4 girls schedules…in the summer…with 3 weeks left.
Also, I had vetoed the spa idea to Maid/Matron of Honor b/c I thought it would be expensive. I just shelled out over $200 for her shower which i was not happy about (see prior posts) and didn’t want to do the same for her bach party. I know that there are expenses that come with being a Bridesmaid or Best Man but I’ve never had anything like this.
So, anyway both Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor thought the dinner plan was a great idea. This was yesterday. Just now, I get a text from bride and she says “Why no spa? $40 isn’t bad for a massage?” I said “what?” She said “The bachelorette spa stuff that you said no to”. I said “oh i thought it might be pricey”. to which she responds “not really”.
Ok, so first of all i am really confused as to why she’s texting me this and why did the Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor tell her I was the one who didn’t want to? I was assuming we were all on the same page and now I feel like the biggest cheapo. I’m not sure what to do at this point?
Post # 3
Unfortunately you just learned the Bridesmaid or Best Man lesson. Don’t tell the other BMs how you really feel. It sucks but I’ve had this happen lots of times where you think you are speaking on behalf of the majority and then one of them turns and tells the bride and now your the bad guy.
If I were you I would say that you are up for dinner and spa time. Do what you can afford to do. I would split the cost of the bride’s meal/massage with the other 2 girls and then I wouldn’t partake in the massage for myself. Instead I would do a pedicure since I would probably get one for the wedding anyways.
Sorry they threw you under the bus. It happens. And don’t communicate via email/text any more because the meaning gets lost in translation.
Post # 4
You don’t have to go to the bachelorette – if you aren’t able to afford it and/or don’t want to. Or, maybe you can go to the parts you want to.
Don’t worry about what everyone things – just decide what you want to do and then go for it. I know it’s hard to plan and coordinate schedules, but hopefully the Maid/Matron of Honor can do that and figure out a plan that will work for everyone.
Post # 5
Thanks Vintage, that is a good idea. I hate to say this – but i just don’t want to spend any more money on this stupid wedding! It’s not like i can’t afford a dumb massage it’s more the principle. And her texting me totally pissed me off.
Post # 6
haha sorry for the rant, can you tell i’m very annoyed? 🙂
i just have been waiting for this wedding to be over for many months now (several dramatic issues) and this is just another thing…
Post # 7
She should not have texted you. I have been to spas that have chairs for people to just hang out, although it might be weird you could still be with them and get something cheaper, like a mani-pedi or something. Then no one could say you weren’t there!
Post # 8
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve often felt that way when I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a number of weddings. It did do one thing for me, it made me realize how I wanted to be as a bride. I agree with the other poster that another option would be to go to only the parts you want but just remember that you won’t be there and how will that be preceived? Just remember not much longer and you put it behind you!
Post # 9
I am so familiar with this pre-wedding Bridesmaid or Best Man tension! Don’t worry, it will be over soon and I really think the best thing to do, no matter how pissed off you are (I remember feeling that way in one wedding), the most important thing to do is to save face. No matter how you are feeling. And yes, don’t say how you really feel. It may be a bit suppressed and counter intuitive, but you will feel so much better coming out the other side of this having been (perceived as) a patient, supportive, generous friend. After being a Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaid at two weddings all within in a three week period, I am now a bride to be and yes, I agree with Vintage, I am very conscious of how I want to treat my bridesmaids, although I’m sure I’m not perfect either. But I am very aware of the entitlement thing. It bugs me when people act like they are entitled to receive a, b and c because they are getting married so I’m trying not to expect anything or put pressure on by BMs now. I personally think that tradition needs to die! lol
Post # 10
Thank you for all of your advice!!
Update on the situation: so, i did email the Maid/Matron of Honor last night and expressed my feelings and etc. She got back to me stating that it must have been the other Bridesmaid or Best Man that said something b/c she hasn’t even talked to the bride. Then she went on to say that she didn’t want to do the spa thing and that the bride expressed that we weren’t doing anything before…so the original dinner will be fine.
I feel better b/c I do like this Maid/Matron of Honor and I think that we have always been on the same page. I think overall I’m just a little annoyed with the bride for sending me a text about it! And a little bit with the Bridesmaid or Best Man but maybe she just mentioned it to the bride in a way not sounding mean (she is pretty nice as well). So, hopefully there is no more drama left!
I have tried to be nothing BUT accommodating to my 6 BMs. I really hate inconveniencing them to do anything. I’m having an out of town shower and told 4 of the girls they didn’t have to come since we’re doing another bach party/shower with them later. Well, 1 of them just RSVP’d to drive 2 hours! I’m so excited that she would do that! I have been in plenty of weddings before so I really wanted to make sure to treat these girls the way I would want to be.
Post # 11
Vintage is right, always play the devil’s advocate!!!! 🙂
I’m sure she just wants you there, so go with a lesser service and you should be good! 🙂