Post # 1
So as the Maid/Matron of Honor I took responsibility co-hosting the bridal shower with the brides mom. I knew that was a responsibility of mine so I was glad to help. But then comes the bachelorette party…the bride is getting really stressed and is pretty much planning everything herself with my help. None of her bridesmaids are even asking if she needs help or anything. I have done the dreaded ‘hey ladies’ text to all them but nothing. The bride suggested I ask each for around $20-$30 to help “furnish” the hotel room with drinks, snacks, games and some decor. None of them are stepping up and helping. Not even asking what the plan is. The wedding is in September and the bachelorette party end of July.
I know I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor but I’ve put a fare share into this and they haven’t done a thing…am I in the wrong thinking they are suppose to help…?
How do I talk to the bridesmaids without being a bitch? The bride is so overwhelmed and stressed and doesn’t even want to talk to them. But it is their job and they did agree to be her bridesmaid. Standing up on the big day isn’t the only responsibility in my mind.
Post # 2
I would reach out to them with specific tasks that you’d like them to do. Sometimes it’s hard to know HOW to help, even if you’re willing. They’ll be more likely to step up when given “to-do items.”
Post # 3
kstir2015 : did they agree to a bachelorette party?
Post # 4
kstir2015 : Similar to the old “this isn’t an in-law problem, it’s a husband problem” — this isn’t a bridesmaid problem, it’s a bride problem. She doesn’t get to decide how other people are spending their money or how much of it. Neither do you. If you feel it’s your obligation to host a party, you can do that. You can also invite other people to co-host, which usually means they contribute money and/or time, and are involved in the decisions. If they accept co-hosting, then you work together to plan and fund the event. If they decline co-hosting, then you host what you can comfortably afford. As for how to do this, text is fine: “If anyone wants to co-host, please let me know by xx/xx so we can get together and plan.” If nobody responds, you’re the host and you get to plan whatever you want and can afford.
Post # 5
Are you friends with them? Can you start a group chat?
The last bachelorette I planned I sent around an email saying:
“Hey everyone. This is what I am thinking x,y, and z. This would probably cost about $100 per person, plus you are responsible for your own meal at the restaurant. Is everyone okay with this?”
Everyone was fine with the price point, and one girl actually had a different suggestion for an activity (the bride LOVES Ru Paul’s Drag Race and a travelling drag show was in town). I think it was easier for people to respond to here are a list of ideas and associated costs, rather than a completely open ended option. I note I was close with everyone involved (we all went to school together in the same program) and had a good idea of everyone’s price points.
From experience, providing a fairly set plan plus cost is a good idea. When we were all still in school one girl in our group was getting married. She comes from a wealthy family, and her Maid/Matron of Honor (not part of our friend group) was also from a wealthy family. We got an email saying it was going to be $550 per person (including an overnight at the most expensive hotel). I politely wrote back that I couldn’t afford it and my understanding was some of the other girls couldn’t either. I suggested we drop the spa morning and stay at a reasonably priced hotel. Having an idea of what the cost and activities are really helps to be able to provide specific feedback.
Post # 6
kstir2015 : I wouldn’t necessarily say that the bridesmaids job is to help plan/pay for the bachelorette party but I find it weird that they aren’t really responding or willing to help. I’ve planned a couple of bachelorette parties as the Maid/Matron of Honor and included everyone whos invited in the planning, even if they aren’t in the bridal party. I guess that might be frowned upon but in my experience everyone has always been eager to give ideas, send different airbnbs/hotel ideas, etc.
I would probably send out an email to everyone and lay out the plan, say you’d love it if everyone could chip in twenty bucks for food/snacks/decorations but if they’re unable to thats fine and to let you know (one on one). Ask if they are fine with the plan and cost, if they aren’t, plan something else that you can afford.
Post # 7
kstir2015 : You are 100% mistaken about the responsibilities that come with the honor. Showers and bachelorettes are optional and voluntary. The latter is not even traditionally recognized. It’s you who are out of line to impose costs or assign tasks to people who have not volunteered. If no one steps up then either it doesn’t happen or you plan and host.
Post # 8
weddingmaven : I think you are mistaken. A bachelorette party may not be “traditionally recognized,” but these days, especially in the Northeast, ALL brides have showers and bachelorette parties. It is understood that when you accept the role of a bridesmaid, you should be making an attempt to attend/assist with these events, within reason. The role of a bridesmaid has changed drastically over the last few decades and no longer just involves showing up on wedding day and buying a dress.
I would take it upon yourself to send an email out with the plan and ask who can come. Give them a deadline to respond. I’d also recommend letting the bride off the hook with planning. The $20-30 is a completely reasonable request – it’s impossible to go cheaper than that.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
You need to speak to each bridesmaid individually. Social psychology: open-ended questions in groups = easy abdication of responsbility to answer. I would suggest reaching out to each person and getting specific. Ask what they’re comfortable with instead of just plopping down a bill. Try something like this: “Hey Brunhilda! As you know, Jaxlyn’s bachelorette party is September 8 … we are trying to get the budget nailed down. What are you comfortable spending? Also, we were all hoping to contribute $20 to a decor/games/snacks fund to cover us for the weekend – would you be comfortable chipping in for that? Finally, if you have any specific requests/suggestions for pubs or restaurants, let me know! Really hoping to have budget set and activities planned by July 1, please email me! Thanks.”
You cannot a) tell people what they owe after the fact or b) give people roles they didn’t want. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life. They may not be in a place where they can do a lot of planning, or they may be SUPER excited and not want to step on toes. You won’t know until you talk to them.
When people feel like they have a say, they’re much more likely to actually care about an event, compared to when they’re just told what to do.
Post # 10
kstir2015 : Asking for a specific amount of money never goes over well. People will ignore you or argue. What worked best for my Maid/Matron of Honor was simply saying “Hey I think we should have some decorations, snacks, etc for the bachelorette, anyone have ideas” and the bridesmaids started volunteering to contribute things. I personally think that’s the fairest way because everyone has different budgets and different amounts of free time.
Post # 11
bride1993 : I didn’t say they aren’t common. They are, however completely optional. And yes, showing up in the dress, attending rehearsal if possible and helping the bride in minor ways on her wedding day remain the only “responsibilities.” Anything more is generous and voluntary. That’s not opinion.
Post # 12
Post # 13
Personally, I’m a bridesmaid this summer. I sent all of the bridesmaids an email asking if anyone wanted to help plan the bachelorette. No one responded so I just started planning to host myself and included them on the evite – all but one are attending. Eventually the maid of honor contacted me and has helped plan and split party favor costs. Because no one else is helping this will limit activities somewhat.
Post # 14
Scarlett11 : that is how this is going as well. I am already helping host the bridal shower and no one mentioned anything about the bachelorette party so I stepped up, yet no response from any one. Not even to the bride which I think is sad, she picked us for a reason.
Post # 15
cherryberrypie : we briefly talked about it when we all got together. They seemed willing to help then, mentioning games we could play and drinks we could make.