Bachelorette party help…

posted 8 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Did the bride express what her expectations were for her bridesmaids? Because if she just assumed they would take on X, Y, and Z tasks, she was mistaken. 

The budget should have been made first, long before any plans were made. You don’t get to make plans and ask for money later. That puts a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

They aren’t obligated to attend or participate. Who knows. Maybe if they knew what the bridesmaid requirements were going to be, some of them may have declined to be bridesmaids. It would be great if they were willing to chip in but you can’t make them. 

Either scrap your current plans and start over by asking everyone’s availability and budget, or expect that some people will not contribute or participate.

Post # 17
12651 posts
Honey Beekeeper

bride1993 :  Sorry, those are advertisers for the wedding industry not legitimate etiquette sources. Check out Emily Post, Miss Manners et. al. 

Post # 19
72 posts
Worker bee

weddingmaven :  There are plenty of outdated traditions that I am sure I can find by scouring the internet.  I cited the top websites which most people go by when planning a wedding, which all state that bridesmaids are expected to help with pre-wedding events.  My point is that in most circles these days, it is expected that the attendents should participate and planning a shower and bachelorette party.  I don’t think it’s helpful to tell people that this is not the case on, when it clearly is.  People should have an understanding of that before accepting a position as a bridesmaid.  A maid of honor has every right to ask the bridesmaids for help.  Some may have timing and budget restrictions, which is fine. But if they are going to be completely unresponsive and uninterested, I am not sure why they would agree to be a bridesmaid.

Post # 20
12651 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’m saying it because it’s the relevant etiquette, both traditional and contemporary, not an article written by biased sources. Sure it’s nice to host a shower for the bride. I think many close friends want to do that. I’ve hosted many. But requirement of the role, absolutely not. That is the unfortunate advice here. 

Post # 21
12651 posts
Honey Beekeeper

kstir2015 :   You don’t ask, or put people on the spot. That’s still wrong and presumptuous. People are supposed to offer, period. The most you can say is anyone who wants to be involved can contact you. 

Post # 22
4769 posts
Honey bee

bride1993 :  Seriously? Gee, it’s not like they’d have a biased opinion or anything. Lol, The Knot, the same fools who said the average engagement ring in the US was like $6000? I totally believe anything they say……

The dress, the wedding and the shower if the bride wants one. Bach parties are a new invention and at some point the festivities get to be too much. I can’t wait to see what’s next in the “expected” list.  I don’t think the Maid/Matron of Honor or the bridesmaids have any obligation to throw a bach party, nor should they, unless they come to the decision voluntarily. OP I would call each of them directly and ask if they have an interest and how much they can afford. 

Post # 23
389 posts
Helper bee


“I think you are mistaken.  A bachelorette party may not be “traditionally recognized,” but these days, especially in the Northeast, ALL brides have showers and bachelorette parties.  It is understood that when you accept the role of a bridesmaid, you should be making an attempt to attend/assist with these events, within reason.  The role of a bridesmaid has changed drastically over the last few decades and no longer just involves showing up on wedding day and buying a dress.”

I beg to differ.  I live in New York; several friends/relatives have had weddings over the last few years and about 50% of them didn’t have either a shower or bachlorette. 


Post # 24
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I think we all seem to be missing the point that it matters more the traditions of where you are from, rather than the ones that exist just because they were the norm at some point in history. 

Like, where I’m from no one does bridal showers, but everyone does a hens do (bachelorette). Does that mean we are wrong? No it just means it’s how we do things.

I agree with PP that just speak to the bridesmaids directly and assign tasks and ask if they’re ok with it. If they’re not, change it. It’s really that simple. Let’s not get into the nuances of who is right and wrong. 

Post # 25
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I feel your frustration, I really do but, I think you may need to plan on flying solo but, talk individually with each bridesmaid in a low pressure way. Just lay it out there, “hey so I want to host a bachelorette party for bride to be and wanted to get your feedback/ideas…” doing it individually gives someone the opportunity to tell you of a financial impediment to helping (or any other impediment) without broadcasting it to the group. 

those of us on boards like these tend to be the wedding lovers. Lol your other girls may genuinely not know what they can do to help or even have an idea that you want to host a bachelorette party. Give them the space to state their interest in participating or lack of interest. Your stressed bride may appreciate something more low key (thus less costly and easier to plan) like manicures and and old fashioned girls sleepover with junk food, movies, and whatever you choose to drink (literally just threw out what sounds relaxing to me right now. Haha she sounds stressed and in need of relaxing) 

Post # 26
11 posts

I’m in a similar spot right now (but also dealing with a bridezilla). All the bridesmaids offered to help pay, but they are not all backing out or not answering emails/text/calls. I don’t know any of them, and we don’t live near each other.

I think one major issue is that difficult locations and economic areas have different traditional assumptions. For example, I’ve been in 7 weddings total, 3 as Matron of Honor. The first one I was in I was 19, what I experienced and was told I was responsible for set me to believe that is always how it’s done. All the weddings I’ve been apart of the shower and bachelorette parties were split evenly amongst the bridesmaids and nobody complained. I also believed it was just simply part of accepting to be in a wedding.

That being said, I’ve found everyone feels differently on everything and I swear the internet has actually made it worse because like I said people do things differently depending on where they are from. Things back home for me in Wyoming are totally different than now in Chicago and in the past Atlanta. 

Post # 28
7205 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m glad it worked out! I’m actually a big fan of combining the shower + bach parties into one day (Am/PM). Takes up less time for everyone and makes it much easier for travelling folk.

Post # 30
8959 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

kstir2015 :  Well done! I’m glad it worked out. Thanks for the update. 🙂

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