(Closed) Back at it again need help with this question

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
35 posts
Newbee

helloo

maybe they didn’t know. The issue is that that ignorance is not a good enough excuse from them to have treated you that way. Whether he means it or not, he’s not worth it because I firmly believe that real men Know how to treat womem right and never be a cause of their pain 

keep going forward 🙂

Post # 3
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, my friend’s cousin (and yeah, I know how hinky that sounds, but it’s true) got accused of raping a girl and was absolutely traumatized by the accusation, yet when my friend asked him to recount what happened, she was basically like, “Um…yeah–you raped her.” So after hearing that, there’s little that surprises me of what men understand and don’t understand. 

And the other moral of that story is that it really doesn’t matter if they come to their senses–I mean, it matters to THEM and their futures, I guess–but wrong is wrong, either way. So it might not be a “line” in the sleazy sense, but it’s also not a get out of jail free card either. 

Post # 6
Member
17 posts
Newbee

Because of the part towered the end that you wrote..seems like an unhealthy relationship, the way he is. .i agree with the first comment. .keep moving forward. 

Post # 7
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

this does go into communication, how a guy is raised – nature vs nurture. I think some guys really arent told or taught what is poor or good treatment in a relationship. Guys should never abuse girls, girls should never take abuse from guys. and vice versa. 

Post # 8
Member
9023 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

futuremrssaldana:  a lot of people, both male and female, do not recognise that they are part of an unhealthy relationship. It is sexist to think it is just males. 

A lot of women in abusive relationships think their relationships are healthy. 

There are a lot of reasons why someone might not recognise that they are in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes it is due to mental illness, sometimes it is because they have never been exposed to a healthy relationship and sometimes it is just their personality. 

Post # 10
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

futuremrssaldana:  I think his perception of his behavior is irrelevant to your need to be free of it forever. Please also keep in mind that reaching out to “apologize” and say that he “wasn’t aware” of his abusive behavior is a classic move designed to pull you back in by providing an excuse for the behavior. He is trying to get you to think “well, he’s really sorry, and he only did it because he wasn’t aware of how he was behaving, he would never have done that if he’d known how hurtful it was. Please recognize this for what it is and stay away!

 

Post # 11
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee

futuremrssaldana:  I think it varies on whether the person knows what they are doing is wrong. Such as someone with mental illness may have clouded judgement on what they are doing. 

However, I think your ex sounds like he knows he’s talking BS. I personally find it hard to believe that he could have thought that was a healthy relationship. Making you drop out of school and getting on your knees to beg? In what planet is that a normal way to treat your partner? I think he was quite aware and sounds like he is was controlling and abusive. The apology could be for a number of reasons such as: he wants you back and is sucking up or he is only trying to make himself feel better because he feels shitty. In any case I wouldn’t let him suck you back in, I would move on and don’t look back.

Post # 12
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

I had an ex that sounds similar and had a way of controlling me with his words and actions. Sometimes I look back and wonder why I put up with it for so long and other times I look back and wonder if it was as bad as I imagined. 

It was easy to make excuses for him as he had a fairly tough upbringing and troubled parents – but at the end of the day, he spent all my money, never worked and made me desperatly Unhappy and question everything about myself. 

He apologised to me after a few months of being separated and I told him I could never go back there. He cried. And then within a week or so was in a relationship with someone else who he ultimately put through the same emotional abuse and ended up cheating on her. 

I am a true believer that a leopard never really truly changes their spots. I hope he’s doing well and treating his new girlfriend better but I’d be surprised. He didn’t learn with he girlfriend before me or after me…. 

Post # 14
Member
3335 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

He doesn’t sound like he’s changed at all. If he thought that kind of relationship was healthy, that is the same kind of relationship he is going to have again. Move on girl!

Post # 15
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy

mangosandcats:  Agree 100%.

Being that tone deaf to your pain and the cruelty of his behavior is almost worse than doing it on purpose! Agree completely that is irrelevant to the absolute necessity of you moving on with your life. 

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