Post # 1
Okay bees, quick question for ya.
Since i am gathering a lot of research for my summer project I want to ask this question and see what you all think.
When my ex contacted me a couple of months ago to “apologize” for how he treated me I called him out on it and asked why he did treat me the way he did. He said that he wasn’t aware he was treating me tha t way. I started to think about all the things I went through and how he was never able to see how he was treating me if he was telling the truth he wasn’t aware of his behavior. I started to think about it today and I thought that maybe he really did think he and I had a good relationship because I never spoke up about how he was making me feel. But then again I think about all the other major things he would make me do (beg for his forgiveness on my knees, drop out of high school, always got mad if I was making “googly” eyes with other guys etc) and how he could have possibly thought that was normal healthy behavior in our relationship.
Do you gals think he and other men who pull that line are full of crap??
Post # 2
maybe they didn’t know. The issue is that that ignorance is not a good enough excuse from them to have treated you that way. Whether he means it or not, he’s not worth it because I firmly believe that real men Know how to treat womem right and never be a cause of their pain
keep going forward 🙂
Post # 3
Well, my friend’s cousin (and yeah, I know how hinky that sounds, but it’s true) got accused of raping a girl and was absolutely traumatized by the accusation, yet when my friend asked him to recount what happened, she was basically like, “Um…yeah–you raped her.” So after hearing that, there’s little that surprises me of what men understand and don’t understand.
And the other moral of that story is that it really doesn’t matter if they come to their senses–I mean, it matters to THEM and their futures, I guess–but wrong is wrong, either way. So it might not be a “line” in the sleazy sense, but it’s also not a get out of jail free card either.
Post # 4
Hi and thank you your response! I am excited to see that you are doing well and that you too are having realizations here!! It can be easy to forget about all these things we went through. You are so right!! My fiance has not once made me feel pain or discomfort because of intentional reasons.
Hope you are doing well
Post # 5
BothCoasts: I totally understand, and thats exactly what I have been saying. He might have not known that I was unhappy because I didn’t speak up early on in the relationship. But that is not enough for him to have treated me the way he did even if I didn’t speak up.
Post # 6
Because of the part towered the end that you wrote..seems like an unhealthy relationship, the way he is. .i agree with the first comment. .keep moving forward.
Post # 7
this does go into communication, how a guy is raised – nature vs nurture. I think some guys really arent told or taught what is poor or good treatment in a relationship. Guys should never abuse girls, girls should never take abuse from guys. and vice versa.
Post # 8
futuremrssaldana: a lot of people, both male and female, do not recognise that they are part of an unhealthy relationship. It is sexist to think it is just males.
A lot of women in abusive relationships think their relationships are healthy.
There are a lot of reasons why someone might not recognise that they are in an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes it is due to mental illness, sometimes it is because they have never been exposed to a healthy relationship and sometimes it is just their personality.
Post # 9
j_jaye: I agree with you 100% that it is wrong to think that men are the only ones that are abusing. I have met some men that have had girlfriends just like my ex. And I am in total agreement with that as well, I do believe that there are people who didn’t know what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like. Therefore they are completely clueless (myself included) when it comes to relationships. You take the abuse because you don’t know any better and think it’s okay.
I also believe that there are people who are just abusing like you said it’s their personality.
Post # 10
futuremrssaldana: I think his perception of his behavior is irrelevant to your need to be free of it forever. Please also keep in mind that reaching out to “apologize” and say that he “wasn’t aware” of his abusive behavior is a classic move designed to pull you back in by providing an excuse for the behavior. He is trying to get you to think “well, he’s really sorry, and he only did it because he wasn’t aware of how he was behaving, he would never have done that if he’d known how hurtful it was. Please recognize this for what it is and stay away!
Post # 11
futuremrssaldana: I think it varies on whether the person knows what they are doing is wrong. Such as someone with mental illness may have clouded judgement on what they are doing.
However, I think your ex sounds like he knows he’s talking BS. I personally find it hard to believe that he could have thought that was a healthy relationship. Making you drop out of school and getting on your knees to beg? In what planet is that a normal way to treat your partner? I think he was quite aware and sounds like he is was controlling and abusive. The apology could be for a number of reasons such as: he wants you back and is sucking up or he is only trying to make himself feel better because he feels shitty. In any case I wouldn’t let him suck you back in, I would move on and don’t look back.
Post # 12
I had an ex that sounds similar and had a way of controlling me with his words and actions. Sometimes I look back and wonder why I put up with it for so long and other times I look back and wonder if it was as bad as I imagined.
It was easy to make excuses for him as he had a fairly tough upbringing and troubled parents – but at the end of the day, he spent all my money, never worked and made me desperatly Unhappy and question everything about myself.
He apologised to me after a few months of being separated and I told him I could never go back there. He cried. And then within a week or so was in a relationship with someone else who he ultimately put through the same emotional abuse and ended up cheating on her.
I am a true believer that a leopard never really truly changes their spots. I hope he’s doing well and treating his new girlfriend better but I’d be surprised. He didn’t learn with he girlfriend before me or after me….
Post # 13
mangosandcats: What exactly do you mean by it being irrelevant?? Sorry just want you to elaborate more.
But I agree, I’ve stayed away from the first day I left him and never looked back. Like I said, he reached out to me 2 years after I left him and apologized for how he treated me. And he made it seem like we had a good relationship and I just up and said I didn’the want to be with him anymore. Which was frustrating because I was like how did you not see all the pain I was going through?!
Post # 14
He doesn’t sound like he’s changed at all. If he thought that kind of relationship was healthy, that is the same kind of relationship he is going to have again. Move on girl!
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy
mangosandcats: Agree 100%.
Being that tone deaf to your pain and the cruelty of his behavior is almost worse than doing it on purpose! Agree completely that is irrelevant to the absolute necessity of you moving on with your life.