Post # 1
I posted my waiting story here http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/an-introduction-and-my-waiting-storylong#axzz2ZmR5C4tk
It is pretty long, so the short version is we have been together 2.5 years, there have been several times he has alluded to a proposal and it didn’t happen. During a fight back in March he said he was planning to propose on our trip to Puerto Vallarta Mexico in July. At the time I told him it was stupid to take an expensive ring to Mexico and not to do it there. He insisted that it would be the perfect time and place. I was hoping he would do it long before our trip, but when it didn’t happen anytime before I decided he ignored me saying not to do it in Mexico and that he would be proposing that week as planned. Well I guess he decided to listen to me after all.
I tried not to spend the whole trip waiting for it to happen, but there were numerous times when I thought it was imminent, like when he encouraged me to go to the spa for a manicure and pedicure (it took forever, 3 hours stuck inside the spa when I would have preferred to be on the beach), when he set up an appointment with the resorts photographer (I had been wanting pictures of us for a while), during a hike when we got caught in the rain and ducked under this bridge and had a super romantic moment, during pretty much every sunset dinner. Thankfully I didn’t let it ruin the trip, we really had a great time! Now that the trip is over, I’m really upset though.
I stayed a little too optimistic all week and on the cab ride to the airport I was fighting back tears since I realized it definitely wasn’t happening. I was super grumpy with him during our flights and layover, but he seemed to think I was just upset to be going home and didn’t want vacation to be over. I spent all afternoon yesterday pouting alone in the house, and he still seemed to think I was just upset about vacation ending and gave me some lecture about how vacation always has to come to an end. It took a lot of restraint to keep from complaining that I’d counted down for months to those dates since that is when he told me he would be proposing, only to be heartbroken and embarrassed (I’ve received lots of texts, calls, facebook messages from friends who all thought he was finally proposing this week).
So bees, I need some advice, do I shut it up and hope he does it on my 30th birthday in a month, or do I tell him I’m hurt that he didn’t propose when he said he would?
Post # 3
@Countant819: Why can’t you openly talk about it?
Being married means you talk about stuff that bothers you, even if it’s uncomfortable or tense. That’s life. If something is this big a deal for you (and I don’t blame you at all! i’d be upset too!), he should know about it.
I’ve never quite understood this waiting phenomenon – you’re both entering into marriage as equals, ideally, so why should the woman have to “shut it up” and be miserable for weeks/months? I also don’t buy the whole “he’s a MAN let him do his thing” – it seems kind of patronizing.
If he has a ring…why is it not on your finger? He must have some hard-core insecurities to be waiting this long…maybe not about you but about “The Proposal” in general? I know a lot of women on these boards seem to hype up the proposal as though it’s the end-all and be-all(not saying you’re one of them), and maybe he’s worried about planning it properly?
I would calmly sit down with him and tell him how upset you are over waiting, and stop letting him assume you’re upset over other things. That’s how it works best once you’re actually married IMO, so why not start now, you know?
Good luck regardless!
Post # 4
@Countant819: I think you might have to hold your tongue on this one (as difficult as it may be) since you were the one who told him not to propose on the trip. It’s not his fault that you feel hurt because he took your advice. Why not just discuss what your future plans are together? You will have to deal with obstacles far more difficult than this when you’re married, so practicing communication now is probably a good idea.
Post # 5
@Countant819: You told him NOT to propose in Mexico and now you’re pouting that he didn’t propose in Mexico! *shakes head sadly* women….
Post # 6
@Countant819: To be honest, I would shut it up for now! If you know that it’s coming, I think that complaining or pressuring him will only delay the proposal or make him second-guess your love for him. It seems to me that guys most want to propose when their SOs are happy and vibrant and excited for the future – not sad or needy or whatever other feelings us waiting bees have to constantly fight against feeling!
Good luck, I’m sure it will be perfect when it comes!
Post # 7
I think you have somewhat of a right to be upset. It is your life too. But, instead of getting mad that he didnt propose when you think he “should have” is only setting your self up for disappointment. You need to have a really long talk with him about what you really want and set a self timeline. If he’s not ready to settle down and you are, well your only option is to make a life change. I wouldn’t keep throughing it in his face. Hard truth, if he wanted to propose he would. keep your head up and don’t wait around forever.
Post # 8
Sorry it didn’t pan out, but you told him not to propose so he listened to you and didn’t.
Post # 9
I think DaisyBelle raises a good point: I think a LOT of guys get this idea that a proposal has to be all glitter and fireworks or we’ll be disappointed, or not have a “good story”, etc.
BF has my ring (has had it since May) and about a month ago, he was teasing me about proposing and I was teasing back asking what the hold up is. He said something to the effect of “well, I’m still trying to find a photographer you won’t recognize to capture the moment. It’s been harder than I thought it would be.”
I *had* to stop him there. Why do I need a photographer? He responded that he didnt want me to feel like he wasnt “trying hard enough”, and that he’d seen a lot of guys on FB who hired a photographer.
It was ridiculous. I definitely let him know that the details are not that important to me, and to just propose when he feels the moment is right. I think it says a lot that he was thinking that hard about it, worrying the proposal wouldn’t be “perfect” and “story-worthy.” Maybe that is why your BF hasnt pulled the trigger yet.
Another thing to consider is the surprise factor. He *had* to know there was a pretty good chance you would be expecting it on the trip. Perhaps he was hoping to catch you off guard on another occassion.
Post # 10
@badabing88: Wow! A photographer?! Crazy. That’s good you were able to talk to him about it and ease his worries 🙂
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
Sorry your trip didn’t have a proposal attached. You should be able to talk to your BF about anything, if you are ready to marry each other. But I think you really stepped in it when you told him how to (or how not to) propose to you. 🙁
Post # 12
@DaisyBelle: My jaw about hit the ground, as I’ve never once said anything about *spending money on a photographer* to capture a 2 minute long incident.
I was convinced he had a secret Pinterest account or something, but then he started rattling off all of the friends we have who hired a photographer, and there’s actually quite a few…I think this summer alone 4 of our guy friends did that. It’s kind of insane if you ask me :-p
Post # 14
@badabing88: My fiance had a friend of ours who has a good camera dress up in costume so I wouldn’t recognize him and take photos. It was awesome!
Post # 15
@prisigtr: You all are right, I know it is my fault for telling him not to, but technically I told him it wasn’t smart to take a 30k ring to Mexico. Technically I didn’t tell him not to do it in Mexico, I just told him he shouldn’t take a ring to Mexico. He could have proposed without a ring, with a bubblegum machine ring, with a picture, with a flower tied to my finger and I wouldn’t have cared. I told him a long time ago I don’t care about the ring itself, I just want to marry him.
I feel like if he was going to suddenly “listen to me” about not doing it in Mexico he should have told me he would think about what I was saying when we had that conversation, but instead he insisted that Mexico would be perfect. If he decided I was right I feel like he owed me an open conversation about it and to let me know he agreed so that I wouldn’t spend vacation expecting it.
Post # 16
@badabing88: I’ve been very very clear with my SO that it’s a private moment between the two of us. I don’t want fancy, I just want to start our lives. I even told him that I could picture us just cuddling on the couch and him proposing. He said it would be a bit more special than that. LOL
@Countant819: I think badabing and Daisybelle are right as well. Men think they have to be at a certain place and it has to be done a certain way, and all the stories of these OTT proposals in the media.. Honestly, you should be able to talk to him, but I think you should be careful with your wording, you did tell him not to take the ring to Mexico.