- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I don’t like the idea of reminding someone to ask you to marry them. I think pressure tactics and guilt are the worst way to approach this situation.
I would bring it up. You don’t want to hold onto this feeling for another month before you talk about it, as holding feelings inside like that never helps.
You told him not to propose and he didn’t and now you’re upset?! That’s not very fair! Just talk to him about what the updated timeline might be. He doesn’t have to say when exactly but can give you a general idea – ie. It will happen by the end of the year.
I get the frustration. My boyfriend tells me “we’ll be engaged by (a particular date that’s meaningful to us)” and talks about our wedding and my ring in front of other people often, but if I ever mention it he gets upset and says “I want it to be on my terms and a surprise and don’t pressure me”. Mind you his idea of pressure is me saying anything about it, he talks about it all the time, but I learned I just have to not say a word. At all. Ever. LOL. And I also understand being disappointed, my birthday is in November and he’s taking me away and he already said we aren’t going to get engaged but I am sure I will still be disappointed, even though he told me we won’t (and he’s not the type to say something to throw me off, he’s just not like that). It’s hard when we go by what they say and pick up cues from them and then get a little disappointed. I get it, you’re just excited. Try to be patient and try to hold your tongue.
I don’t think this is one of those times where you should communicate it and talk about your disappointment, because he’ll just see it as pressure. Normally I am 100000% on board with talk to him about what’s bothering you but not in the case of a proposal. If you’re sure you want to marry him, and you’re sure he wants to marry you, then you have a lifetime together. It will be worth the wait. For me, I just had to feel certain he did want to get married, as soon as I was confident in that, I don’t mind waiting anymore.
Well I was trying hard to take the advice given on the poll (shut it up as long as it takes), but I failed. I did at least manage to take the advice of shutting it up until after my 30th bday.
We were out to dinner (I had a couple margaritas, ugh!) when he was texting with a former boss. I’ve mentioned in one of my earlier posts that about 13 months ago he was relocated out of state, I was able to relocate with my own company to the same area. I knew his company wouldn’t leave him here forever and not to try and make this a permanent home, but he also told me he should be here AT LEAST 5 years.
While we are eating he tells me this former boss he is talking to is probably retiring soon and the rumor is my boyfriend will be his replacement (meaning he would have to relocate back to our former city).
I became visibly upset and he knew it. I was partially sad because I really love my new job and love the group of people I’m working with so I am in no hurry to leave again.
We pretty much drove home in silence and then he says that I should be happy if we get moved back to our former city, that my friends and family are there and it would mean I could transfer with my company again instead of having to look for a new job if he got moved to a totally different city. This is when I couldn’t shut it up anymore. I didn’t like applying for this job and when asked why I would want to move saying I wanted to move to follow my boyfriend. I told him I wasn’t comfortable asking to relocate for a “boyfriend” again and that when I agreed to move here I thought we would be married before we had to move again, since I was told we would be here AT LEAST 5 years. He claims he said UP TO 5 years and insisted I misheard him. Even if I thought it was only going to be a year, I would have thought we would at least be engaged before he was transferred again because I thought a proposal was imminent when I moved here.
I got very emotional at this point (darn you tequila) and brought up the fact he told me he was going to propose in Mexico. I expected him to blame me for telling him not to, but instead he just said, “oh yeah… I did say that…well… I decided that was just too corny and not my style” I got really hurt at this point and the tears started. I would have preferred he blame me then acting like he half forgot and half thought his romantic idea was now “too corny”.
During our argument he points out that his sister and her new husband were together 7 years and now that they are married they are fighting all the time, as if it is scaring him off from marriage. I’m partially frustrated at his parents for this one… it sounds like his sister and her husband have had a couple silly newlywed arguments and his parents feel the need to tell him this during their weekly Sunday calls every week.
He ended up asking if I was giving him an ultimatum. I said no.. I’m not saying I will leave him if he doesn’t propose, but I did say I refuse to follow him back to our old city or to any other city unless we were married.
I don’t know what has happened, usually when we have a talk I feel a little better when it is over. This time I felt a million times worse, I no longer feel like it could happen any day now. I think the fact I just turned 30 is getting to me. He has always said and continues to say he wants kids of his own, and now I suddenly feel the clock ticking.
I don’t think what you’re saying is unreasonable. It is kinda ridiculous for him to expect you to up and move again, transfer jobs again and be fine with following his career around where ever it may go if he is un-willing to marry you. He’s asking you to do something wives do… not girlfriends. He’s asking you to sacrifice a lot.
The whole thing about other people marriages sounds like a cop out. His sister’s relationship is not yours.
Unless your working part-time in a non-career position and he’s bring home all of the bacon, I say you stick to your guns on this one.
You sacrificed before, now he may have to sacrifice by loosing out on a promotion this time or marrying you. His choice. If he isn’t willing to do either then you should really question how committed he is verses how committed you are.
You may decided that you’re willing to wait for marriage but not move again, is he willing to loose you over a promotion? These are things you should know before moving forward anyway because there needs to be a collective decision made about the direction of your relationship and where you will live and you need to know where you stand.
That’s not an ultimatum, that’s deciding what works for you.
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