(Closed) Back on the Bee and need some relationship advice

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Well…as I married a guy I with whom I went to high school, lost touch, and then reconnected, I may be biased.

But having said that, it doesn’t sound like you are ready for another relationship yet. Does that mean you can’t hang out with HS?  No, but you need to be perfectly honest with him.  He sounds like a great guy who really cares about you, so he deserves to be treated fairly (and it sounds like you have been doing so).  

Your last sentence spoke volumes to me.  If this is the right guy to get into a relationship with now, you’d not be thinking about what (or whom) you might be missing.  The fact that you are, just shows either he’s not the right guy for you (no matter what a great guy he is and how much he cares about you) OR it’s just not the right time.  Only time will tell you which it is.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t spend time with him or that spending time with him means you can’t date anyone else.  Just take things slow, be honest with him, and see what happens.

Post # 4
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

you will know when it feels right – i wouldnt write him off quite yet IF you enjoy hanging out with him but explore all avenues and date date date.

I met my husband while i was in a realtionship (funny i just posted this on another thread) he caught my attention  but i was faithful and loyal to my boyfriend – we had been dating 3 years. Well little did i know that my boyfriend was unhappy, and the fact that i was noticing other men probably meant i was unhappy too but i wasnt prepared for a break up. I was really upset when he broke it off with me so like you i started going out more – my boss set me up with his brother who i went out with a couple times and then other times i would go out with my husband. I continued to see whoever i wanted whenever i wanted until i started to really think about my husband more, i loved hanging out with him i found myself cancelling other things to hang out with him but i was not ready for a relationship AT ALL – one thing i told my husband when we first started dating was that i was going to be completely honest with him about everything, something i didnt do with my last boyfriend (not that i was shady, but i wasnt going to hide my feelings or who i was)  and i told him straight up, i like you, i like hanging out with you, i can see this going somewhere but i am not ready to be your girlfriend. he seemed ok with that – and i guess he was because he stuck around. after a good 3 months of “talking/dating” i finally gave into my feelings and made it official and im so happy i did. BUT i needed those couple months of no pressure in order to figure that out.

 

Post # 7
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I kinda feel bad for him!  Even though I totally understand your position, I feel like he’s getting mixed signals.  I’m not sure what your “relationship” with him right now entails, but it sounds like you are doing normal stuff couples to, have kissed and whatever else, but you are unsure if you want to commit.  I totally get that you are being upfront with him and telling him you feel jaded from a previous relationship and you are not ready for anything, but also keep his feelings/standpoint in consideration.  Unfortunately you are the one calling the shots right now and that’s sometimes difficult for the other person because it sounds like he has some genuine feelings for you.

Post # 8
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@pec1216: i’m super lucky that my husband was understanding – i think it helped that he (sort of) knew me while i was dating my ex boyfriend. He worked with my sister, who is my best friend ever, so i would meet them for lunch occassionally and he saw me break down a couple times and im sure she told him some things that were going on – im actually really surprised he even entertained the idea of going out with me haha.

so im a firm believer in finding love soon after a break-up – i was devestated when my relationship ended and i really didnt understand how i could go on (i know dramatic) but it still amazes me that a little over a month after my breakup i started “talking” to my future husband! so keep your eyes and your heart open –  don’t let him pressure you into a relationship, if he is the right man for you he will understand and wait till you figure out what you want. This may sound wrong (but then again you are single) i wouldnt tell him about the other guys you are going on dates with – he has no need to know – i was completely honest with my husband about my needs and wants and finances and family – you name it – but he didnt need to know if i was going on other dates.

Post # 9
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood

I was in a situation similar to this.  I had just gotten out of a horrible, long-term relationship and was so not ready to date anyone again.  I met my current boyfriend and told him straight up I was not looking for anything serious.  So we casually dated.  Then we kissed and he started asking about when we could maybe be a little more serious.  Even though I had said I wasn’t going to date anyone, I knew he was so great I absolutely did not want to lose him.  So we started dating.  And now I couldn’t be happier.

Because you’re worried about who you’ll “miss out on” I’m going to agree with PPs and say you aren’t ready to date this guy just yet.  Maybe in the future but definitely not yet.

Post # 10
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you have any inkling of doubt whatsoever, it’s enough to say no. I could understand getting together with him if you were head over heels and could think of no reason NOT to be with him. But if there’s a reason that makes you pause, it’s probably a good one. Don’t write him off completely, but don’t let his feelings get in the way of your own because you don’t want to hurt him. Just be honest with him. If it’s meant to be he’ll wait until you’re completely ready, and he won’t guilt you into rushing things.

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@pec1216: Welcome back! I had followed your other posts and it’s great to see that you’re so happy!

As for your new guy, don’t let him pressure you into anything you aren’t ready for. You’ve been pretty up front with him about you not wanting a relationship. I do find that it’s a bit controlling of him that he text you while you went outside to text someone else. First…how did he know who you were texting, and second, it’s none of his business if you’re hanging out as a group. As an outsider, this was the one thing that you said about him that is alarming to me. It’s not like you told him you were exclusive, and who is he to already dictate who you are able to be friends with? Just sounds weird to me.

My advice is to keep being upfront and honest with him. Let him know that if he can’t handle you talking to your friends that maybe you aren’t the girl for him. If you feel as if he’s worth the committment, do it on your own terms, but don’t let him push you into a relationship if you don’t want to have one right now…

Post # 12
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I broke up with my sorry-ass ex and found the ‘love of my life’ a few days before I broke up with my ex. I did not fall in love those few days ago.

My ex was an a-hole and a half. We had a ‘breakup/makeup’ relationship with each other. And during the ‘breakup’ periods, he would shower me with EXTRA attention/care and PRETEND that we are still bf/gf JUST to confuse me.

Anyway, during this so-called ‘breakup’ period, when I needed my ex’s help to take me to check out some cars since he was good with cars, he downright refused. Why should he take time out for me when I am not even his gf, right? Well a long time friend of mine suggested I speak to one of her guys in her circle of extended friends and voila!

This new friend and I went out strictly on business. And I was treated with optimum respect. This showed me that there ARE better men out there. But at this point I was NOT looking for another relationship. I was VERY BITTER abt my current one and my whole mind was just littered with it.

Needless to say I never ‘made up’ again with my stupid ex. (Thank God!) And the new friend i had found… him and I hung out a LOT more. (I offloaded horrible stories of my ex on him, of course. Lol!) And I was STILL not ready for a relationship. I vowed in front of this new friend that I will never date again for several years AT LEAST.

2 weeks later, we were a couple. Embarassed He asked, and I had 2 options…. to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. And I didn’t want to lose such an amazing man just to see what else is out there. If I had an inkling of that latter feeling, I would have stuck to ‘no’. That SPLIT SECOND you have right when that question is posed, that FIRST MICRO SECOND response of your brain, which is your instinct, is always right. And guess what? I am [happily] married to this friend now.

Post # 15
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@pec1216: Yeah, I just feel like, you guys aren’t exclusive, and you’ve told him that…so he shouldn’t already be harping on who you are or aren’t allowed to talk to. He might be great in all other aspects, but that texting thing just bugs me for some reason.

I think you need to stay true to yourself right now…do the things you’ve always wanted to do. You did just call off a wedding a short time ago, and you need time to get to know and love yourself before you can do that again. Have fun…date around, and be totally honest with everyone that you’re just not ready for a relationship. If this guy is truly what you’re looking for, he’ll stick around. 

The topic ‘Back on the Bee and need some relationship advice’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors