(Closed) Back to square one

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 33
Member
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Being a “united front” does not mean “attached at the hip.” I find it truly odd that he does not see his bio family without you. You should be able to see your mother without him there. His belief that it’s not normal for a married woman to see her bio family 3 times in 2 weeks is completely, totally out of left field. That is very isolating, controlling attitude. If you were going over to mommy’s house to get fed and get your laundry done, that would be a different story. It sounds like you’re just going to see your mom to check in.

Being a united front means you don’t tolerate it when people talk shit about your spouse. You take their side. You stick up for them. It does not mean you need to limit contact with family or only go to family functions together.

If your husband is concerned about your emotional well being or physical safety when you see your mother alone, that’s a legitimate reaction. Your husband seems almost insecure or jealous when you see your mother alone. I do not think this is normal. His guilt tripping is not healthy or supportive.

I’m wondering if your husband has some codependency issues. There are support groups for people in codependent relationships. Bear in mind I am completely speculating as to what the actual issue is. My gut says codependency because he won’t go to family functions without you, and it almost seems like he wants a semi monopoly on your time.

Post # 34
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

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mzb1 :  Bee, your mother may have done you very wrong, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe everything your man tells you about your relationship with your mother. He isn’t your knight-in-shining-armour, that’s just a fairytale and from what you’ve written about him I think you need to be careful he isn’t trying to control or isolate you. 

You should not have to prove anything to him “over and over again”, nor should you want too. Tbbh your Husband also sounds like he is being manipulative in only wanting you to see your mother when he is there (which won’t be often).

Take care of yourself bee and watch out for your husband making you feel like you have to choose between your mother and him, that’s a sign of emotional abuse.

Post # 36
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

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mzb1 :  What you said about not coming from a “normal” upbringing and not knowing what is “normal” in relationships is so true! That’s why it’s so easy (sadly) for people with an unstable background to fall into another bad relationship, even when they’ve seemingly got their shit together and overcome their past (as much as they can).

Visiting family that lives very close every week or every other day (even daily) is normal for some. But it’s not about what’s normal, it’s about him trying to control the time you spend with your mother and more importantly, reduce it.

If you can speak with a counseller or physycoligist about this I think that may help you gain some clarity over the whole situation.

Post # 37
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

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mzb1 :  Sorry I responded before I read your last update. It’s very good that he doesn’t act this way over your friends, perhaps it’s not that he’s controlling all the time. But in this situation he is acting very strangely and it’s not going to help anything. Honestly he needs to suck it up for your sake.

I think you should make it clear that you need him to be your rock in this situation. Most men respond well to that.

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