- 2 months ago
Hello. I’m hoping I can get some objective perspective on my situation, as I can’t go to any of my friends with this — if I even have friends any more. First of all, I’m 42 — the bride in question here is 35 — so we are not kids. We’ve been friends for nearly 10 years. We’ve had tons of great times and this group of girls I’m going to talk about has been super tightknit and they’ve been with me through very tough times. I introduced them all to each other.
I, along with two other close friends, are bridesmaids for our other friend. She also has several other bridesmaids consisting of relatives and friends from her younger years. Since the beginning, all planning and expenses have fallen to my group of friends — the 3 of us. The other girls are either too young or are single moms and stated upfront they didn’t have the money to participate in pre-wedding activities. The Maid of Honor has turned into a controlling, mean-spirited monster. She said horrible things about the girls who couldn’t contribute and proceeded to presume the 3 of us would just eat the cost of everything. I pumped the brakes early on, stating that I am single and just bought a house and am completely rehabbing it from the ground up — literally. I just had a new foundation put in and am in the process of gutting the whole house. I said there needed to be a cap on expenses. Every time I raised the flag, it fell on deaf ears. She has continually equated how much people could pay to their value and loyalty to the bride.
The bride then decided she wanted to do a destination bachelorette party. She told the three of us it was up to us to select a destination — as long as it wasn’t local and gave us some parameters — a wine trip, sailing, hiking. The Maid/Matron of Honor sent out a survey to a large group and the majority of people selected the end of summer as the best time. I said right away that if I were to go at all, it would have to be end of summer due to my house project. The bride selected a destination and then cancelled it after some people had bought tickets because she said she really didn’t want to go there and at that time — she wanted to go to Mexico at the beginning of the summer. I told her it’s your party, plan it the way you want. I wouldn’t be able to go but don’t let that stop anyone. She ultimately decided to go to the original destination. Those plane tickets were still $600. The Maid/Matron of Honor informed me and the other of our close friend group, that we would be covering the bride’s travel costs too. I called her and told her I simply could not do this. We compromised on splitting the hotel cost but I regretted it and definitely felt resentful over it. We had to pay $500 per person. I delayed in getting my ticket because I didn’t have the money and had tons of unexpected expenses — some medical, some related to the house project. She regularly hounded me and sent out group texts telling everyone I was the only hold-out and hadn’t bought my ticket yet (although most of the other girls invited on the trip dropped out due to cost.) I reluctantly bought the ticket, putting it on a credit card.
I just feel that $1,100 is a lot to ask of us, in addition to all the expensive dinners she planned, sailing excursion, etc. Not only that, I ended up taking a new job and I’m a contractor so I don’t get PTO, so I’d lose two whole days of income. Then the bride informed me that she didn’t like the bridesmaid dress I’d selected and wanted me to get a new one — at my own expense. Then she informed all of us that hair and makeup the day of the wedding would be $200. I said I didn’t want professional hair and makeup — I have a local girl who can do it all for $75. She replied that it was too late to cancel. I was never informed of this.
A few weeks ago we held a bridal shower. The bride asked for a themed party and we spent over a month planning for this party. After the party, the Maid/Matron of Honor asked each of us what we spent. I told her I spent $200. Apparently the other two spent close to $400. She said we should all split it evenly, implying that I should cough up more money. $1,000 for a 10-person bridal shower at someone’s house! The Maid/Matron of Honor went way overboard and bought enough food to feed 60 people. I said I couldn’t afford to contribute more.
Meanwhile, my house project took some unexpected turns. Things got delayed and I found out that I had to get all new electrical in my house or the building inspector wouldn’t pass it. This wasn’t in my budget and I had to pay several thousand dollars or the project would remain halted — all the while I am living in a campter because the walls in my house are exposed. I should mention that I live on a hobby farm and have lots of animals — chickens, turkeys, dogs, cats. I don’t live near any family or friends. So, I was going to have to get my parents to stay at my place while I was gone. My house is unihabitable and my nearly 70 year old parents aren’t going to stay in a camper. This latest expense has wiped me out and I simply can’t afford the trip. I notified the Maid/Matron of Honor — didn’t get a reply — and the bride, who replied how sh*tty it was that I was bailing at the last minute and how she planned the whole trip to accommodate MY schedule.
I should also mention that the Maid/Matron of Honor sent me a nasty email a few days ago telling me what a bad friend I’d become since moving out of the city — how I never show up any more and she can’t count on me and how when I do come out, all I talk about is the farm, my house, animals or someone I’m dating — so basically all the things that are important to me. She also blasted me for leaving early when I come to the city. I never get a thank you for driving 120 miles just to have dinner. No understanding that I’m not going to drink when I have to drive all that way home. She also told me if she’d known how little I was contributing to the shower, she would have removed me as a hostess. She also said how cheap I am for not pitching in for the bride’s airfare.
I should also mention that even though I’m in the wedding party and the other girls get to bring dates, I was not given a +1. I’m not local. She reserved a block of super expensive hotel rooms. I told her I didn’t want to spend $200-300 on a hotel when I’m alone and can’t bring the person I’m dating. The bride selected a very expensive venue that they clearly can’t afford and is only allowing people at the wedding that they know. So, I’m supposed to figure out transportation and have attend the wedding solo. She’s arranging for the whole wedding party to sit together at the head table, so it will be very evident that I’m solo. At this point, I’m just going to show up, do my duty and leave. I plan to drive myself and return home. I’m so disappointed in how everyone has seemed to morph into shallow, unempathetic and entitled drama queens. Am I being unreasonable?