Backed out of expensive bachelorette trip — everyone is mad at me

posted 3 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would back out of all of it. On top of everything else you’re supposed to buy another dress and pay $200 for hair/makeup, and you can’t even bring a +1? 

Post # 32
Hostess
3841 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

lilredwriter :  I had a friend like this.  Emphasis on HAD.  These people are shitty friends.  Get out of as much as you can, do the wedding if you feel obligated and won’t be spending any more money on this group of immature zillas, and make new friends.  Good luck with your renovations! 

Post # 33
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

How on earth are brides this awful? Who RAISES people to be this way?!

Post # 34
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

lilredwriter :  

Sadly this is the nature of the beast, weddings can truly be such a special and fun time where friends and family grow even closer together.. however there is the other side of it where you truly see some people’s ugly colours come out. It honestly is pathetic that a PARTY.. because that’s what a reception is takes such importance that people literally lose their god damn minds, money, friends and family and sometimes even the person they were supposed to marry.

I am sure there were times when she/they were good friends.. you sound like a nice reasonable person and I doubt you would have stayed friends for this many years if this was constant behaviour.. however this is unforgivable.. you are going to lose thousands which means delaying your own life like maybe putting in the floors you wanted or renovating kitchen etc.. think of how silly that is that because of someone else’s descision to get married YOU will be losing out months on your own life? That’s absurd and to top it all off.. you dont even get a f*cking plus one?

People who dont give plus ones to their wedding party honestly belong to a special kind of moron group

 

I am sure this hurts, you have been friends for years its easy for us to all say of f*ck her but bee I think deep down you know you need to back out of everything say no to wedding and never see these people again.. itll hurt for a bit but I promise you by the time this awful wedding arrives you will be sitting at home with your lovely animals.. looking at whatever reno you were able to do with this money instead thinking how happy you are not to be part of that circus

Also, I promise you extra costs will come up.. this girl seems exactly the type of person who is gonna demand you purchase a 50 dollar robe from Etsy for her getting ready pictures.

Post # 35
Member
504 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I would’ve bowed out of being a bridesmaid either around the time of the bridal shower or when the bride threw a fit about the dress and wanted you to buy a new one at your expense also. 

Post # 36
Hostess
8531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

lilredwriter :  well they sound like a bunch of bitches. I’m surprised you let it get so far. 

Post # 38
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, if you are done with them I don’t see a point of going to the wedding. I wouldn’t in your shoes but you know the friendship better than I do. If you want to suck it up and hope things will change after she is married then attend but if you feel like you have no interest in seeing her after the wedding I don’t see why you would bother going and wasting more money

Post # 39
Member
696 posts
Busy bee

Nah. You just don’t need this is your life. Tell them you misunderstood how expensive it would be to be in this wedding, and you’re no longer comfortable doing it. Wish them all the best for the remainder of the planningand wedding, and then leave their emails unanswered or the phone ringing whatever. Find new friends. There are lots of people who would appreciate the things you’re interested in. 

Post # 40
Member
12117 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You’ve done nothing wrong except pick the wrong friends. These women are gross, entitled, and self centered. I would not just drop out of the wedding, I’d send regrets as a guest and drop out of their lives. 

Post # 41
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

Wow, this whole thing is so over the top. It’s such a shame that weddings can really bring out the worst in some people, and the bride and bridesmaids seem to be those people. I would drop out of the wedding, try to recoup any costs you can, and find new friends. People like that are SO not worth having in your life.

I’d much rather spend my time, money and energy on my home renovation than this BS. I’m sorry, Bee!

Post # 42
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

somedaymrsj :  “Second, your reasons for not being able to swing all these things is, quite frankly, none of their business. You shouldn’t feel the need to explain WHY you can’t afford something, because your finances are not anyone’s business but your own. A simple “Sorry, but I can’t fit that in my budget right now” is enough information.” 

+1000

I wish I could sticky this comment to the top of the forum. 

I would also like to add that people are also not entitled to presume to use up other people’s vacation time from work. 

Post # 43
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

lilredwriter :  I agree with PP that the MOH’s behavior is problematic. Does the bride know about everything that has been going on with the shower (asking you how much you spent is so wildly inappropriate to me, and shaming you on top of it is just wtf?!) + the cost of the bachelorette trip? It sounds like you made your budget known to the Maid/Matron of Honor and she just didn’t want to hear it, but does the bride know you set a $ limit that was constantly being ignored? It could be that the bride was genuinely blindsided by your last minute cancellation because she was unaware of all that had been going on. I’m going against the grain here, but the reality is that you are cancelling last minute and that really sucks even though it is a decision you have to make, and it sounds like the trip dates were indeed based on your availability. The bride must be stressed and this sort of last minute thing can be overwhelming and unexpected if she hasn’t been in the loop the entire time. 

I would reconsider your friendship with MOH/bridesmaids that gave you grief. As for the bride, try to consider how much she actually knew about what was going on. It doesn’t sound like you were direct and clear about your financial limits with her incl. the dress, make-up, etc. Did you make it clear or did you suck it up and now you are regretting it? i would not back out of the wedding at this stage. It would make you the bad guy and potentially be a huge source of stress for your friend on her wedding day. Your plan to drive there is fair, considering you aren’t getting a +1. I hope you have the energy to make the trip!

 

edit – I just read your nautical themed update lol. I think we’ve already established the bride is asking for way too much $-wise. Were you firm about your budget?? How are the rest of the girls affording all of this? If she expects uniforms, she should buy them. I know many brides usually buy matching t-shirts or whatever for their bridesmaids during bachelorette festivities. Is she gifting you guys anything at all?

Post # 44
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I agree with all of the PPs. 

Also- stop RSVPing for things and then backing out. If you have a budget for your participation in a group event where expenses will be split, it’s better to explain that number up front. Maybe your budget would get you kicked out immediately, or maybe they’d plan differently.  

These people all sound terrible, so I don’t additional clarity would have helped in this scenario– except that you would have been made aware of just how pricey this was going to be upfront.

Post # 45
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

How about we stop blaming the OP for things when clearly she’s been used and abused by her so-called ‘friends’?

Sometimes you rsvp to something and have to back out. It happens. Sometimes you agree to be in a wedding and because of expenses or life events you have to back out. That happens too. Sometimes you try so hard to be a good friend that you realize you are the only one making the effort, which isn’t even being appreciated. Sometimes you feel so sad about what is going on that you don’t want to face what is turning out to be true. 

The BRIDE has been making unreasonable requests. Stop bending over backwards to make it seem like she’s just unaware. Stop giving OP grief that she doesn’t need or playing devil’s advocate so she can second-guess herself more than she is already doing. 

OP, from someone who has had to back away from longterm friends  – I get that it’s painful, you had a lot of good memories, but people do change and it sounds like these women do not see you for the friend you are. There are no awards for sacrificing your time, money, and heart. You are not even getting a thank you, so stop doing it. Put yourself first, it sounds like you deserve that, and find some new friends who actually care about you and appreciate your kind nature. 

  lilredwriter :  

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