Post # 61
elderbee : Mention that you are sure they must be aware that you are in a financial crisis and must attend to this , which is not possible unless you withdraw from further activities .
I disagree with this part. This sort of reasoning is what invites people to spend other people’s money. It doesn’t matter whether the OP can spare the money or not; it just isn’t appropriate to demand that she spend an exorbitant amount on wedding expenses for somebody else’s wedding.
I wouldn’t sugarcoat anything with these women. “As you may be aware, I’m a human being and not an ATM. I have other financial priorities besides this wedding. I expressed how much I was willing to spend, and my boundaries were constantly ignored. I’m not willing to spend ever-increasing sums of money on this wedding, and I’m disappointed that you’ve chosen to prioritize extravagant events over a long-term friendship. In light of these circumstances, I see no other option but to withdraw from the wedding and all associated events. I wish you all the best.”
Post # 63
Thanks everyone. It’s funny how people who don’t know me think I’m being reasonable and the people who do know me think I’m the bad guy. I’m still torn about the wedding. If I don’t go, I will be the bad guy no matter what. On the other hand, the bride will likely cut me out of all the photos anyway and I don’t plan to continue the friendship. I just want to do what’s honorable. I know I won’t be there in heart and am dreading the all-day hair and makeup and photo sessions. But it’s one day. I don’t hate her or any of the girls. I wish her all the best. I feel taken for granted and mistreated but I can suck it up and go. On the other hand, I know it will be evident that I don’t want to be there and I do plan to bail as soon as the dinner is over. I feel like I wasn’t given much of a choice with that. It will send a message though. I think that’s warranted but I also know she’s very stressed. I am too and she doesn’t seem to care about that but from what I’ve heard, planning a wedding can cause people to act a little nutty lol. Anyway … decisions to make.
Post # 63
I agree with bookishbee above, you are not an ATM, if you dont have the money stop spending money on these girls. I would back out, you have clearly stated you dont plan on continuing a friendship with these people after the wedding, so why wait. Save yourself the misery and drama and just do it now.
will she call you awful things, sure. But at least you saved money in the end. Id possibly even ask for some back if i wanted to be super petty about it. but im petty….
Post # 64
Dude your friends are assholes. I would back out of all of it and never look back. Or grit your teeth, go to the wedding, and then never look back.
Post # 65
I hear you on doing what’s “honorable” in this situation, and that intention is lovely in the abstract. It sounds ugly, but if it wasn’t going to cost you so much I would agree. In the end, you will be sacrificing something that your friends have no appreciation for. A gift or sacrifice is only meaningful if the person on the receiving end acknowledges it as such. If committing to this exercise will give you a sense of satisfaction that you feel is truly worth the cost (emotional and financial), go for it. Otherwise, I’d bow out now. These people are in no way acting honorably toward you. Really ask yourself, what have they done to deserve your courtesy?
Good luck 🙂
Post # 66
My opinion is that the window for doing this with no bad feelings on either side is already lost, due to their incredibly selfish bullying behaviour.
If you DO still go ahead and ‘suck it up’ you’d be spending hundreds more that could have gone towards concrete own home repairs but your friendship will be none the richer despite your good intentions. I don’t think this is salvageable, she’s going to take your money and still hate you for hesitating, while also feeling entitled to not putting much into maintaining ties post marriage. What would be the point? Time to cut your losses.
i would let this one pass, bee. Your farm animals will make for more honest companionship than these so-called friends.
Post # 67
lilredwriter : With people like this, all it takes for you to be the ‘bad guy’ is to not jump through every single hoop they hold out for you. Even if you attend the wedding they’ll bitch about the things you didn’t do. Even if you paid out all this money and did everything they wanted, you would only be okay until the next set of hoops for you to jump through- and there will always be more hoops to jump through.
They’ve shown you the kind of ‘friends’ they are, so just walk away from all this toxicity with your head held high, it’s soooo liberating. And who GAF if they yap to each other about you being the ‘bad guy’, they sound like the type to gossip-trash even people they call friends behind their backs.
Post # 68
Just drop out. It sounds like you’ve outgrown these “friends.”
Post # 69
lilredwriter : I previously stated your friends are assholes. That’s still the case IMO.
However, I’ll go against the grain a bit here as to the wedding itself. If i was you, I would let a few days pass for the dust to settle. Then, I would call, not text, the bride and say “hey, look, all this has gotten out of hand. If you actually want me in your wedding, I will come and be a part of your day, however as I previously stated I can no longer afford XYZ. I will make sure my makeup and hair is otherwise presentable, etc, etc. Does that work for you?”
If she says no, then bow out. If you have no interest in saving this friendship, then cut ties now and don’t bother with the wedding.
Post # 70
If you have accepted and are ok with your friendship with the bride being over after the wedding than why not cut bait now?
Cut this off, don’t go to the wedding and move on with your life. Weddings aren’t so stressful that the bride gets a pass. She will be fine if you pull out. These people are awful and you shouldn’t feel obligated to do Jack Shit for them.
Post # 72
If you don’t want to be a part of this wedding don’t be. I wouldnt blame you for it. But I can also see it from the bridal parties point of view. If it’s always going to be excuses about the chickens, the turkeys some electrical work and whatever else then woman up and say you are out and then be fully out. Stop blaming it on everything else. Say you are not up to the task but you would be honored to still celebrate as a guest. It would just be easier for everyone involved.
Post # 73
bee would love an update though to see what she says, one side of me thinks she will go over board and cut you out from attending the wedding completely, and that might be something to prepare for. You have plenty of other friends, and im sure plenty of other weddings to attend in your life, missing one shouldnt affect you, especially if you plan on cutting these people out of your life completely anyways.
Peachytalk : i wouldnt say she is placing blame, it seems from her first post that she was very upfront from the get go about finances. The bride looked the other way and basically said “tough sh*t figure out a way to pay for this”
i dont think its fair for ANY bride to think anyone is going to put their life on hold for THEIR wedding.
Yes maybe she should have backed out from the get go, but that doesnt excuse the bride from being a B*TCH.
Post # 74
chocolateplease : I like this advice. give her a chance to back off the bridezilla cliff. You’ll have a pretty decisive answer either way. I wouldn’t want to throw away a 10+ year friendship without trying. Far too many women get sucked into the bridezilla warp and it fucks with everything. If she’s open to this suggestion it is good news for their friendship.
Post # 75
Peachytalk : They aren’t excuses. It’s part of living on a farm and they don’t get that, which sounds like you don’t either. I live alone and can’t just go off overnight and leave things unattended. I still try to accommodate them and still would have gone on the trip if it weren’t for the last minute expenses — even though I know it wouldn’t have been appreciated, just expected. That “some” electrical work cost me $6k out of the blue. That was why I backed out — it’s how I’ve been treated that’s made me not want to be in the wedding. What I’m tired of is having my life policed and having friends who expect me to show up no matter the cost.