Backed out of expensive bachelorette trip — everyone is mad at me

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 91
3905 posts
Honey bee

This is ridiculous. These people are not your friends, that much is evident. They do not get to decide unilaterally that you have to pay an amount you’re not comfortable with. Just bow out of this whole damn wedding already and stop feeling guilty. You do not need these people and the fact is some friendships DIE. Put this one out of its misery already.

As an aside, I never heard of paying for the brides airfare and accommodations on a bachelorette trip. 

Post # 92
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

lilredwriter :  You’ve gotten a lot of great advice from a lot of bees and I’m glad that you’re seeing that you’re not in the wrong here. I’d like to look back at something you mentioned in your first post: there are other bridesmaids who made it clear that they couldn’t afford to pay the extravagant fees being decided by the bride and her Maid/Matron of Honor and they were given a pass. (Albeit a side eye gossiping bitchy pass.) Why are these supposed friends unable and unwilling to understand your needs when you’d think they should be even more compassionate towards you as your ‘close friends’ and assuming that they have the right to expect you to pay not only your own way and the way of the bride, but also the way of these other bridesmaids? Will the other members of the bridal party (not in the money pit inner circle) be attending the bachelorette and getting hair and makeup done for free? Bullshit. 

Also, I grew up on a small family farm and I know how difficult it is to go anywhere overnight when you need to find someone capable of caring for not only the house and housepets but for the farm animals and all that entails as well. All extra money goes to animal feed, farm equipment, never ending repairs of fences and gates and grounds maintenance. Add a major house renovation on top? Damn girl, I’m proud of you for not completely losing it from stress. You don’t need the petty shit from these petty people draining the left over energy you don’t have. I’m sorry. 

I am inclined to agree with those who are warning you that attending the wedding might only lead to more (expensive) heartache. If you need to go to get some closure on this era of friendship then go, but be prepared for some nastiness. These women have shown their colors. 

Post # 93
7625 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

lilredwriter :  you can’t make your mortgage payment and they are still hounding you to pay a crazy amount of money for a stupid party? Bluntly – fuck these chicks. Drop out of the wedding and tell them you are done. Don’t spend another DIME on this ridiculousness. True friends would NEVER treat you this way!

Post # 94
11956 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

lilredwriter :  Do NOT pay for the hotel when you are not even attending! Who cares what the Maid/Matron of Honor demands? You gave plenty of enough notice to cancel your hotel room, and they will just have to cut expenses elsewhere like they would have had to do if you were out from the beginning. 

Too damn bad. 

Post # 95
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It took me many years to learn and master this. Its okay to say NO and not give a reason as to why.

You’re not a bad friend for saying you choose to not go to a bachlorette party. Heck, you’re not a bad friend if you choose not to go to a wedding.

Where things go south is when someone is not direct in what they are okay with and what they are not okay with (Not directly stating how much they will contribute, saying “maybe” or “okay” or “I dont know yet” instead of yes or no.

I’m not saying you did this, but it seems there must have been a bit of a miscommunication since others were also not okay with the expenses and were able to drop out of the bachlorette party, but it seems as though you are the only one who is being picked on.

Regardless of the above, the Maid/Matron of Honor is a brat. 

I was in a friend’s wedding. Her wedding was over 3 hours away, I had a plus one and was newly single at the time. I brought my friend, who had met the bride on several occassions. I brought her since her husband was deployed over seas and it was on Valentine’s Day.

My friend gave everyone a plus one for the reherarsal dinner, except me. Its a long story like yours, that started with the mistreatment of not only myself, but my friend, so I wont get in to it. I put a smile on my face and kept saying, “its okay, its her wedding” until others started to notice her behavior towards me. I still attended the wedding and then after the wedding I addressed her behavior and never spoke to her again, I was done. Reflecting on it now, I should have just walked out and not stayed for the night. 

Some may say, its her wedding, don’t ruin it, but you’re not ruining it. There comes a time where you can vividly see whether or not the friendship will continue, and I was at a point where I did not have the desire to have the friendship continue. That’s a decision that only you can make. 

With regard to you not receiving a plus one, thats the bride & groom’s decision and they have a right to invite who they want. I would not focus too much on the plus one, the rest is pretty horrible. 


With regard to your responses to bees, it does not matter:

  • How much money the bride and groom have
  • That the bride comes from a working class family
  • Whether the bride and groom have gone on vacations or not.
  • That you’re spending the same amount on your house as they are spending on their wedding day

I felt these comments were a bit catty. They have the right to plan whatever they want to for the bachlorette, wedding, and every event they have. YOU have the right to choose to participate in a limited capacity or not at all. 

Post # 96
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Tizer Gardens/Carroll College

Bee, it sounds like you would be around $5k in the hole if you did all the whims and dumb shit this entitled bride and bridesmaid expected you to do. Just no. These are people who have no sense of a budget, timeline, working for a living, or being true friends to you.

Skip the hen do, skip the bridal shower, and skip the wedding. If they can’t respect you on the basest of level? Friendship over.

Post # 97
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

No. Pay for your portion of the room if a cancellation isnt humanly possibly. But you dont owe the bride money for her room, thats ridiculous. I dont understand how the bride is expecting her bridesmaids to pay for her hotel room, thats just cheap AF. 

Post # 98
670 posts
Busy bee

lilredwriter :  

These girls are walking all over you.

And the reason they are being so nasty and demanding is because they know they can get away with it. People have a sixth sense and can tell when someone will just yield when treated badly, they can tell when that person will question themselves and wonder if they are the one being unreasonable rather than just putting their foot down.

Please take your autonomy back over all of this. I’d have said no to these requests (ahem, demands) a very long time ago.

And – whatever you do – don’t explain yourself or get into the habit of justifying why you are saying no because that just lays you open for people to attack your reasons. If the request is unreasonable, your “No” is plenty good enough on its own.

As for what to do now, decide what *want* to do and can afford to do as far as the wedding is concerned. 

You say “I’ve been writing and rewriting out my thoughts and I just can’t figure out what to do.”

I believe honest and straight up is the best way. You don’t want to go, you don’t want to be a part of the bridal party, you can’t afford all the expenses they are asking for, so tell her “I won’t be coming.” And make your peace with it. I wouldn’t go to an event with people who made me feel this way or treated me this way – wedding or no wedding.

Be brave. Be courageous. Don’t cower, don’t back down. Believe me, on some level, the bride and this maid of honour know what they are doing. For me personally, I’d be done with these friends, but if you want to maintain the friendship, I highly recommend that you give them a wide berth for now and let them come to you to apologise at a later stage.

Post # 101
992 posts
Busy bee

I guess I’m not sre what you expected to happen? You received pages of advice from people telling you that you don’t owe these people anything. You chose to put yourself in the position of suffering through a wedding you did not have to go to and you didn’t stand up for yourself.

And now you are still getting hounded for a bill you shouldn’t have to pay. 

At this point, it’s on you. If you allow people to walk all over you, this is what you can expect.

Sorry to be harsh. But it’s a pet peeve of mine when people whine and complain about something and then don’t do anything to change the situation. If you are going to continue to be a doormat then you need to accept the consequences of that choice. You don’t get to complain about a situation you are not willing to put an end to.

Your friendship is over, bee. I’m sorry that they weren’t happy for you when you told them your news. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Take care of yourself and in the future, please put yourself (and now your baby) first. Stress isn’t good for pregnancy. 

Post # 102
906 posts
Busy bee

Why did you go to the wedding? And then the wine event too??? By being a major push over, you’ve just further screwed yourself over. Idk what you can do at this point about the money. Your chance to put your foot down and say “no” was a long time ago. You’ve been giving them excuses instead which has evidently backfired on you. And you don’t get a pity party for the wedding day since you willingly put yourself in the situation. There’s no way you went into that thinking it’d be fun for you. Sorry if that’s harsh but it is what it is. 

Nevertheless, congrats on the pregnancy and I hope other bees have advice for you! 

Post # 103
4878 posts
Honey bee

Here’s how you pay “Bitch I told you I wasn’t going. I didn’t go, didn’t use the room. No pay. Stop harassing me.”

Ok maybe not that but you get the idea.  I don’t see how you owe her any money?

Congratulations in the baby!!! 

Post # 105
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

lilredwriter :  what kind of people go around telling people who owes whom money? I would ignore them.

Focus on your pregnancy, congrats! 

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