Backed out of expensive bachelorette trip — everyone is mad at me

posted 1 year ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 121
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Saw this today, and it reminded me of this thread.

I know they were your friends before, and you wanted them to realize how they were hurting you so they would stop. You felt like if you played nice and went along, they would realize you care and stop acting the way they are acting. But instead, they showed you that they are only concerned with themselves.

I am sorry that you had such a terrible time at the wedding. I’m sorry that you spent money to get your hair and makeup done, only to be given the cold shoulder all day. I’m sorry you hung out, alone, because your friend wouldn’t let you bring your partner, because you felt obligated to stick around, and that you had to watch all the partners that were allowed to come as they enjoyed themselves. I’m sorry you pushed yourself to the point of physical illness, not because you wanted to, but because you felt you were obligated to, so that no one could say you didn’t make every effort.

It’s ok to be selfish sometimes. In fact, as you have now seen, if you don’t put yourself first, no one will. This doesn’t mean it’s ok to knowingly hurt others for your own gain (as your friends did). But it means it’s ok to say “I’m happy for you, but I get to decide how I show my happiness for you. I dictate how much of my money I will spend, what I will do, where I will sleep, and how I will spend my time.”

Please stop trying to “be the better person” here. These people don’t care that you are doing so, in fact, they are using it against you. Everyone here is telling you that asking you to pay for a trip you didn’t go on, when you politely informed them ahead of time that you could not and would not attend, is bananas. She doesn’t care that it’s a ridiculous request, she cares that if she harasses you enough, she will get $500 out of you, AND you will feel like shit. 

You already sacrificed way too much for these ungrateful people. You could have stayed home and saved your money and energy for what you love. You could have had a nice evening taking care of yourself and spending time with a guy who does care about you and wants you to be happy too. You did all this because you didn’t want to hurt anyone or be “the bad guy”. 

Another quote I read said “she was a giver, always poured too much of love. Never realized watering a rock doesn’t make it soft”. No matter how much you try, these people are rocks. Go find a plant to water- your boyfriend, new friends, your unborn child, yourself. You have wasted time and energy, we are begging you not to give away your hard-earned money now. Tell her no, block, delete, cut out the toxic people who don’t care for you, and thrive.

We’re cheering for ya.

Post # 122
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

They sound like spoiled brats!  TBH I would say NO to all those expenses.  My bridesmaids don’t have to spend even half as much.  I looked hard for a cheaper dress and they can do hair/makeup the way they want.  If people can’t afford the trip, then there should be a cheaper plan.

Post # 124
1608 posts
Bumble bee

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lilredwriter :  and if she messages you again about this payment nonsense, say “Moh, this is not up for discussion. I am not paying you for a trip I did not attend. You chose to incur such costs after I told you point blank I would not attend bc I could not afford it. If you contact me again with such nonsense, I will consider it harrassment.”

Post # 125
6162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

If she messages again about the money just reply “I’m not paying you for your extravagant bachelorette when I told you I couldn’t afford it. It’s pathetic that you’re hounding me for money. Go find someone else to use.*

Post # 126
1035 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Block her.  Do not give her an opportunity to message you again. In her mind you do owe her money because you’ve basically agreed that you have. You no is going to sound pretty weak to her after weeks of you saying that you’ll get her the money after such and such bill is paid. You are the person , in her mind because you enabled that thinking, who is backing out of paying what you rightly owe her.  You’re not going to change her mind on that so stop engaging and digging yourself deeper  into the excuse hole.  

Post # 127
1058 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
lilredwriter :  

Please don’t let the terse way some people here have of commenting get you down. Not all of us are born being able to see through behaviour like that of these friends of yours (I certainly wasn’t and had to learn the hard way). I can see that you went to the wedding because you were trying your level best to keep the peace and to be considerate, and being a doormat was probably the last thing on your mind. Why? Because nice people like you don’t think in terms of doormats and bullies – they think in terms of what’s right and wrong.

However, in future, please know that it’s ok to put yourself first. And it’s not only ok, but advised, to put yourself first when it comes to selfish, bullying mean girls like these friends of yours. I can assure you that there is a certain pleasure and satisfaction in telling people like this straight out that you will not be acceding to their demands – what are they going to do about it… sue you?

I know you feel sad that it seems to be 10 years of friendship down the tubes and that these girls are bad mouthing you all over town. But really, they have done you a big favour and you will see that in time. These girls are not your friends. They do not really care about you or have your best interests at heart. They’ve outed themselves for who they really are – self-absorbed, mean-spirited, small-minded and unkind. It’s good that you have been spared more years of friendship with them.

Bid them farewell in your mind, and know that better friends will come along to take their place. (And if I were you, I would not make any more excuses about not being able to pay back the MoH – I’d just tell her that I didn’t take the trip, didn’t agree to paying the money and will not be paying for it.)

Big congratulations on your baby! Best wishes to you and your boyfriend!

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