Post # 1
I am letting something silly bother me!
My SO’s ex posted a rant in regard to non-parents who give parenting advice, essentially calling them naive idiots. It is quite safe to assume the dig was geared at me.
As I have touched upon here before, my SO and I have been working together to help his son’s behavior and create a routine for him. I am there most of the week. Lately I have been giving my SO more of my opinion (when asked, he always shows me he values and appreciates my insight- even as a non parent) and I have given some advice based on things I have read, things I have been told from my sister (who is a teacher), or even just based on my thoughts. I don’t attempt discipline, but I do back my SO upand support him now, whereas previously I was more like a timid kitten in the corner.
So basically it was very chaotic before, but in the last few weeks his son is adhering to a routine, and quite frankly he seems to love it and be catching onto it. Some of his troublesome behaviors have become less, he is getting more sleep, my SO is following through on discipline (instead of just threatening to take something away 50 times), etc. I think we actually work great together as a team and if anything, this has shed light on that fact. I also recently cleaned up my diet and my SO has kind of taken a page from that book, so to speak, and he is feeding his son much less processed food and sugar. These changes are not changing anything his ex had in place, as there was no routine or dietary limitations, so I did not see it as stepping on toes.
So to circle back to the post, I took a bit of offense at the suggestion that a non-parent has absolutely no sense of how to care for a child. Especially given the source.
I can see how non parents giving unsolicited advice to a stranger about how much better they would do something… could be quite obnoxious… but I don’t believe I am doing anything of that sort.
I’ will always strive to keep the peace, but backhanded rudeness doesn’t sit well with me on a personal level.
Post # 2
Like you said, you’re letting something silly bother you. After reading some of your other posts, you really need to look at the source of the rant and take it at face value. Although you’re a non-parent, you currently seem to be a more stable presence in this child’s life than his biological mother and, deep down (like, probably way down there) she knows this and is hurt by it. Take the post as her lashing out and don’t pay her any more attention than necessary.
Are you friends with her on social media? I’m not understanding why you would even be able to see what she posts or be interested.
Post # 3
npoliver : I am not friends with her, some members of my SO’s family are as they say to “keep an eye on her.”
She has asked SO awhile back if we can all be friends on social media I told him I personally did not want to…
Post # 4
summerrose5 : no doubt she feels threatened by you and the changes you’re making. I think what you’re doing is great, but let’s examine it from her POV.
here’s a woman whose child is doing better under her ex’es new girlfriend.
I think this would bother most of us, if we are being honest- even if we were happy that our kid was doing well. No parent wants to feel someone else has replaced them or is a better parent than them.
So you have the ususal stepparent land mines going on here and an added dose of the argument between some parents and people who don’t have kids re who should be allowed to make comments on raising children.
basically these two things together are a nightmare of hot buttons. If you can, I would walk away and not read her social media comments anymore. Remind yourself that this is her child, and change is hard for everyone.
Hang in there bee!
Post # 5
BalletParker : I do get it that there has to be some hard feelings for her, you’re completely right.
I need to learn to tune it out when she is brought up. His family has some strong opinions about her and I get aggravated having to hear it sometimes.
Post # 6
Basically your SO’s ex doesn’t like you and isn’t thrilled that you are raising her son. Nothing about this is unexpected.
Post # 7
She’s feeling threatened and trying to push your buttons. Don’t let her. Be content in the knowledge that you are making a positive difference in her son’s life.
Post # 8
impatient1 : The weird part is she goes out of her way when we have seen eachother to be very overly friendly and “cool” so it is just weird to me to see the manifesto on facebook.
Post # 9
julies1949 : Thank you. I am starting to see that I am going to have to do a lot of “taking the high road.”
Better learn how to get comfortable with it now.
Post # 10
She’s nice in person and venting on Facebook- this isn’t weird.
Post # 11
I mean, it sounds like you *are* being a parent, just because you didn’t birth the kid doesn’t mean you dont have a parental role in his life now. There is a huge difference in a friend (or stranger) who has never taken care of a child in their life making commentary from their high horse about what a parent should or shouldnt do and someone who has a parental role in a childs life acting like a parent and supporting their SO in parenting a child that lives with them part time. She is being dramatic.
Personally, I would just hide her posts from your social media, it sounds like it isnt worth her drama!
Post # 12
summerrose5 : you’re parenting the child whether or not you gave birth to him so I would ignore her comment.
Post # 13
Please don’t let it make you feel bad. It sounds like she has a guilty conscience for not having a better presence and influence in her own child’s life. People tend to lash out when they feel insecure. And I’m right there with you when it comes to backhanded comments about “non parents”. I don’t have kids (haven’t yet been blessed with them), but I worked in childcare and taught preschool for several years. I don’t give unsolicited advice to people, but I do think I know a thing or two about handling a tantrum, certain discipline issues, etc. because I’ve had to deal with it on numerous occasions. While I understand it’s different having your own, I think the whole notion that anyone who hasn’t given birth doesn’t know anything is nonsense, quite frankly.
Post # 14
You are taking her bait, hook, line, and sinker. She is getting into your head and that is exactly what she wanted.
YOU know your intentions and motives, YOU know you aren’t an idiot. CHOOSE to kick her out of your headspace!! You can’t control others, just your response to them. You sound like a great influence in this childs life. Rejoice in that.
Post # 15
- This is not new. It’s very, very common in blended families. She’s outright enough to do it on Facebook—many do it through the kids, or through ex in laws. She’s playing her cards “right”. Nice to you in person, cordial during pick ups and drop offs, but posts passive aggressive mantras on Facebook that could (or could not, If she was called out on it) be directed at you. It’s her way of drawing the line in the sand of “I’m the REAL parent, here”
- Not only do you really have to ignore it, if you’re gearing up for step parenthood—it’s essential that you do. Being a mother invites eons of unsolicited advice. Being a stepmom??? Get ready. You’ll have opinions flying in from every direction, telling you so many conflicting things (“you’re too involved” / “you’re not involved enough!” / “you need to let the parent actually parent” / “you’re the step parent, you’re allowed to parent!”)
- Whatever contact you have with her really needs to be filtered as much through the bio-dad as possible. You’re gearing up for a possible court battle over custody, correct? The two bio-parents are the ones that need to be ironing out the details of the scheduling, doing so in writing through text messages and the contact between you and her should and needs to be pretty minimal. For one, if s judge decides that YOU, the dad’s girlfriend, is doing the lion share of the heavy lifting and dad isn’t even bothering to communicate with his ex, that doesn’t make him look very good.
Here’s my repeated unpopular opinion about your situation, from what you’ve been posting. It’s too early, you’re too involved and this family has a lot to work out before a girlfriend steps in and starts taking on an active role in child rearing. I say that as someone who is a stepmom to a young child and went through a lot of similar things you are right now. You’re still very fresh into dating this guy (6-ish months now?), yet you’re being saddled with some heavy, heavy stuff. I’m telling you—take a step back, this can wear you down.