(Closed) Backing off is hard to do…waiting is hard.

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
489 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Waiting is totally hard. Especially if you just want to start planning!

In many cases, it’s important that the guy feels like this kind of thing is also their decision. Maybe don’t push so hard, ease off the subject, and allow him to enjoy his time with you without the pressure. It could be what he needs to feel relaxed and less anxious.


Post # 4
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Please don’t feel ashamed!  I think many of us bees have some waiting anxiety when we don’t have timelines or committments – heck, even some of the bees with time lines have anxiety about whether or not they will be met.

It is hard sometimes but I like to try to just enjoy this time with SO, and remember why he is worth waiting for!

Post # 6
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Sweetie, I’m in a very similar boat right now.  The boat has a leak.  In very cold water.  It’s not fun.

My advice would be the following (and I’m in the process of working this out myself):

1) Read Mr. Bee’s plan, and some of the comments on it.  You don’t have to follow it to a tee, but the premise is to find things that make you happy so that “waiting” does not dictate your happiness.  Only you can make you feel happy and whole.  I think sometimes us waiting bees hand control of our happiness over to our SOs with the hope he will give us the love, romance, and validation we dream of.  


2) Backing off is easier said than done.  And if you feel like you’re suppressing your feelings about this, that’s a recipe for resentment which will only fester over time.  I would suggest consider what exactly is making you so unhappy about him not committing.  It may take a while to fully understand what your reasons are.  Chances are it’s not just one thing.  Honestly lay those thoughts out to him, and be honest with yourself as you consider these things.  Don’t be ashamed of your timeline, what you were hoping for, etc.  Don’t finger point, but openly and honestly say Consider what would make waiting easier for you.  Provide him with suggestions that could make it easier for you.  Personally, I find I’m better at expressing these sorts of things in writing.  Choose whichever method gives you the chance to communicate calmly and clearly.

Do this, have a productive conversation about it, then ease up.  You will know at that point you’ve told him all you can tell him about the subject.  

Post # 7
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

Not talking about getting engaged is cake once you break the habit. It’s kinda like biting your nails. You obsessively do it without even realize you do it. You decide it’s a bad habit and work to break the habit. The first few weeks or couple months are insanely difficult. All you want to do is bite your nails. It’s all you can think about. Then one day, you wake up and you realize you haven’t talked about it in months and you feel no desperate need to.

It’s that initial start that is the hardest. Once you’re in the swing of things it’s second nature and all the anxiety literally drops off your shoulders. I know it’s tough. I’m sure your situation is upsetting you. But I know you can do it. 🙂

Post # 9
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@gramgeek:  I’m doing well, thanks.  Working through some very similar waiting issues.  Smile


It sounds like you’ve got some good self-awareness on this.  Best of luck!



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