Post # 1
My bff and I have been friends for 20 years now. We’re both in our 40’s and she is engaged and to be married in a few weeks and I’ve been married, divorced and now living with my spouse for three years. My bff fantasized, joked, planned our wedding day and how we would be there for another and now that hers is finally here what we planned and talked about for one anothers wedding have not been anything like we/I envisioned. She is marrying a great guy…he really is good for her and I am totally happy for her that this day finally has arrived for her. When she did become engaged ~ they both planned to be married in 4 months so I definately thought we would be busy and rushed. I didn’t hear from her after she announced her engagement for about a month. I called her a few times and sent her emails and she admitted that she was stressed, her mom was ill and she was depressed about her weight gain etc etc…I told her that if she needed anything to just hollar and I’m there to help…Still nothing. Another month goes by and I figure that she’ll come around. A month of us not speaking is odd. She was never one to phone but she did text me to get together or contact me through facebook which more than often I wouldn’t get her messages till a few hours later which was frustrating but anyhow…She finally did contact me and asked me if we could get together and I was happy and things seemed different and distant. That day she asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor and I was more than honoured and said yes. When I got home I received her invite in the mail and it was addressed to myself and my daughter and not my spouse. I was taken back as my spouse and her get along fine ~ he’s helped her move, has picked her up in snow weather christmas eve and drive her to our place so she wouldn’t be alone…there is not ill feelings on either side at least I think…I called her and asked her and she said they are on a budget and are limiting certain people and I totally understand that money is an issue although there are people that she is inviting that are bringing their spouse that she has only met the spouse on occasion. I offered to pay for his plate which is only 20 per person! And she flat out said no and firm. When I discussed this with my spouse he was also shocked and thought maybe he had offended her somehow but my spouse is a good hearted guy. The situation really did upset me ~ I was confused…I tried to talk her again and she was abrupt so I just dropped it. I come from a traditional italian family and this no ring no bring rule doesn’t happen. Either way I wasn’t happy to attend alone and as being the Maid/Matron of Honor my daughter who is 10 would be left alone if I’m to attend to the brides needs. My heart was torn between the two and I took a week or so to decide what is right for me and I decided that my family comes first…at the end of the day this is where I come home too. I tried to contact my bff and I couldn’t get a hold of her so I emailed her explaining that I tried to contact her and I understand she is going through alot with the planning and her mom is ill and I was sorry to drop this on her but I had decided to attend her ceremony and not the reception. Well she did reply and it was nasty and I felt that it would be the response she would write back saying I was selfish etc etc and that he could attend after dinner but that wasn’t an option given to me otherwise there wouldn’t have been an issue. I apologized to her explaining that even as her Maid/Matron of Honor she could have made an exception but she made it clear that he was to not attend and that was that. I didn’t mean to hurt her, make a fiasco out of it but this is what we decided just like her and her fiance making out the invites. Her wedding is now in three weeks and her bridal shower was over the weekend and I was not a part of that…I understand that this is her day, money is tight ~ I get that…been there before. She brought a slime ball to my wedding but I did put guest on her invite. I did ask her if we could get together to talk and not contact eachother through email, texting or facebook and I still haven’t heard anything from her. My family and friends that know her think of this as odd of her and don’t understand why she didn’t invite my spouse and some were not surprised. Has anyone else been put in this scenerio?
Post # 3
This seems really odd. I think you did what is right. Hopefully time will show her that it was not proper for her to not allow your spouse to attend.
Post # 4
Wow. This must be so difficult for you. I think you did the right thing though. It wasn’t fair or appropriate of her to not invite your spouse, especially not without discussing it with you and explaining it. It sounds like she’s being pretty awful about the whole thing and to be honest, she doesn’t sound like much of a friend (if you can’t even get her to discuss things with you!).
I hope everything works out.
Post # 5
Im so sorry you are going thru this. I dont think you are being selfish at all! Esp because you offered to pay for him (which is the reason most people dont get 1+’s)
I am only giving people 1+’s who live with there SO or I know there SO. But people who have had a month long relationship? no way
I totally dont understand why your SO couldnt have been invited. esp because of your daughter!
Post # 6
Can you clarify what you mean by “no ring no bring” rule? Don’t you have a ring? I know some people make the rule that only married couples will be invited, but aren’t you married? You say he’s your spouse, so I don’t understand how that rule would apply to you.
Post # 8
Everyone has the right to their own guest list…and you definitely have a right to decline if you don’t want that to be the way it is. As someone who had to stick to her guns on guest list issues, I do understand where she was coming from, but I also see your point. You also had the option to not bring your daughter. Perhaps she was having a less kid-friendly wedding, and was hoping that by making it inconvenient to have your daughter there, you would not bring her? Any way you slice it, she should have spoken to you directly and been upfront about the situation. Sorry this is happening!
Post # 9
Sounds to me like her fiance doesn’t like your spouse. And he sounds really controlling to refuse to put him on the invitation OR to give in after you’ve even offered to pay for him. All the signs point to this – why else would she have disappeared for 2 months? obviously I don’t buy the whole ill mother/weight gain thing b/c you need your bff to get through that. Her fiance said no Mr. Mslipps and that was that.
Because honestly, anyone THAT close to my Darling Husband I would have been OK with inviting to the wedding. Even if I didn’t really care for them.
Post # 9
I’m confused too. Usually spouse = husband. If this is your husband then there is no way she could not invite him, that’s just bizarre!
Post # 10
Sorry he’s my common law spouse. We’re not married yet ~ living together for three years. We’ve both been married previously ~
Post # 11
Wow, I can’t believe how rude she’s been. It definately seems odd, especially since she didn’t have a real reason for leaving him out! I would have done the same thing that you did… She’ll look back someday and realize she was wrong, it’s just too bad that she doesn’t realize it now.
Post # 12
I did have the option to not bring my daughter you are right. My bff has been there from the day my daughter was born so there was an exception made for my daughter. My bff also has a no kids rule which she had to phone those and explain of this. I did mention to her that I hope it wouldn’t cause issues within her family/friends as having to get sitters can be costly and she said she didn’t care. Not bringing my daughter would have hurt her as well…(when her father remarried and she wasn’t invited ~she was absolutely crushed.) It’s definately a situation where everyone feels bummed. 🙁
Post # 13
This is very weird. Though I do agree it is her wedding and she should stand by her decisions on whom she wants to invite and her +1 rules … this is not a good decision on her part.
If you were asked to be her Maid/Matron of Honor the rules should be bent for you. I am on a budget myself but if someone has been with their SO for a year or longer or lives with them I will give them a +1. And even those in the wedding party I will give them a +1 if they are single but ask for it.
For your case, I would have given you an invite for yourself and partner instead of yourself and your daughter personally if money was a huge factor on managing the invite list.
Im sorry you had to go through this but I believe you did the right thing.
Post # 14
sounds like your friends new husband is trying to control her, why else would she dissappear and then be so strange about not inviting your spouse? I think you did the right thing if that helps, and I know this is a tough situation. Hang in there
Post # 15
I wouldn’t consider my bff’s fiancee controlling…He is a super nice guy. I would say she is the alpha dog in the relationship lol. I would have thought that he would have been the voice of reason in the decision to not exclude my spouse/partner…but even if he tried its usually her way or no way… ( I use spouse only because I feel too old to call my man my boyfriend at my age).