Post # 1
I’ve tried searching for an answer to my question/situation, but could not find one. So I apologize if this has already been covered!
I’m in a wedding fast approaching. The bridal shower is now past and all that’s left on the horizon is the bride and grooms wedding. It’s at the bridal shower that something was said that really hurt my feelings.
The bride is a friend for over 20 years, we’ve known each other since elementary and have been through thick and thin. Originally I was asked to be a bridesmaid and I was extremely happy and honoured she wanted me to stand next to her! Then her original Maid/Matron of Honor (who she has known longer- hard to believe I know) got pregnant. The issue was that it was a high risk pregnancy- they had been trying for years to get pregnant and it finally happened for them. The Maid/Matron of Honor and bride started to worry about Maid/Matron of Honor duties being too stressful and the Maid/Matron of Honor was given an option to become a bridesmaid. I was then asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor and I again was incredibly honoured. I accepted the roll and dove head first into planning a stag and bridal shower her. I asked what she would like for both and did my best to fill her desires for two amazing days.
While we were opening gifts it came to mine. Someone asked who it was from and I replied that it was from me. The original MOH?… She said very loudly that it was from ‘the filler MOH’. I was hurt. The bride laughed and said ‘Yes! The filler MOH!’ After that- I wanted to leave, but couldn’t. It was in my house and had to pretend to be happy because I didn’t want to cause a scene. The bride started introducing her as the Maid/Matron of Honor after all that happened and inside I was boiling!
The next day I asked the bride if she had time for me to slip by her house for a quick stop. I wanted to ask her what that comment was all about and to make sure we were alone doing it. I went over and I asked. Basically I AM the ‘filler MOH’, she’s always pictured her other friend signing her certificate and holding her bouquet. I asked why she asked me to be the Maid/Matron of Honor then. She said that she knew her parties would get planned and done- and they would go off without a hitch (I have overly developed organization skills- from work).
I feel used. I didn’t get an apology or anything. I just feel that- if I was asked to organize these parties just as a bridesmaid I wouldn’t have had a problem. At least then it would have been honest. I was told repeatedly not to bug original Maid/Matron of Honor for ideas or help setting up because of her pregnancy. She didn’t help at all. And started to receive credit for all her hard work and the lovely shower. I did it all guys. The bride didn’t correct anyone and I didn’t want to say something infront of her relatives and friends!
I think I just want some advice on if I’m allowed to feel some hurt about this situation? Why would someone ask me to be Maid/Matron of Honor and then call me ‘filler’ in front of all the ladies who will be attending the wedding?
This whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. And I’m seriously debating if I should just offer to give up the Maid/Matron of Honor ‘role’ before she asks me to step aside. I know it may not sound like much- but the way it was said and the laughing- I can’t descirbe how hurtful that all was.
Post # 2
Ouch, that must sting.
The problem is she hasn’t been honest with you. I’d have another talk to her, explaining how hurt you are and how she wasn’t honest with you. I’d explain that while you didn’t do it so everyone would see nice things about you, it stung how you weren’t thanked appropriately and the ex-MOH was thanked for work you did.
If there is a rehearsal dinner, there is still time for her to thank you properly before the wedding. Hopefully as a friend of 20 years she’ll do the right thing. Even though it stings, I wouldn’t drop out over this if she does apologise and thank you properly.
Post # 3
That is really heinous, selfish behavior by the bride. The old Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t much better if she is laughing along and taking credit that she isn’t due. Do you love this girl enough to turn the other cheek and stand up for her as Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man the day of the wedding? Honestly, this girl would have to be like family to me and I would need a sincere apology for the callous remarks to consider participating in role other than “guest”.
Post # 4
Thank you so much for responding. I wouldn’t have the heart to drop out of the wedding. And when I said that I would offer to give up the Maid/Matron of Honor role I meant to just stand as a bridesmaid. I kinda want to beat her to the punch I guess. So it might hurt less for me.
I recently got engaged and this has thrown a wrench in my bridal party plans. I’ve always seen her included in it. But now I’m not sure.
I’m not sure how to bring it up again with her. The last conversation we had it felt very dismissive.
Should I wait until after the rehearsal dinner to ask for an apology? To give her a chance to thank me for what I actually did? It’s not just the showers and stag. I’ve helped with picking up DIY materials, groomsmen ties and all sorts of things. I wouldn’t be putting this out there but my friend was complaining that the original Maid/Matron of Honor wasn’t doing anything and leaving her to do everything.
Post # 5
BeezWaxx: Yikes, sounds like this bride could use a little bit more empathy and grace! I’m sorry that happened to you. Sounds like you’ve done everything you can to be an excellent friend.
That said, I’d probably just let it go. The whole awkward situation was instigated by the previous Maid/Matron of Honor who is probably feeling a little jealous & insecure (or is just not socially aware). Why the bride didn’t clear things up when you went to see her I cannot say…
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
BeezWaxx: holy crap…first of all, there’s no Maid/Matron of Honor ‘duties’. There is nothing anyone has to do beyond show up at the wedding sober in the chosen dress. Period. End of story.
A Maid/Matron of Honor is the person who is CLOSEST to the bride, not the one who is able to do the most work on her behalf.
Basically, all your title means is ‘subsititue slave’. If I were you, I’d be terribly hurt by what’s happened because her asking you to be the new ‘MOH’ was not an honour at all – it was a veiled attempt (whether she realizes it or not) to get you to do things for her because it made you feel special.
I’m sorry that you’re ‘friend’ has made you feel this way and put you in this position.
Post # 7
Wow, as I was reading I thought, “she’s just using her!” and then you said it yourself! That is so rude. Weddings bring out the best and worst in people, and the bride and groom are sometimes amongst the worst! At this point, I wouldn’t say anything more about it, not offer or overextend yourself anymore than you already have, and just wait and see what she says to you after the wedding. She may (hopefully) realize she was being an ass and apologize, and thank you. If not, just know that you did what you felt was right in your heart, and keep that in mind when it’s time to pick your bridesmaids.
Post # 8
You guys are such an amazing community!
I got a text from the bride. She said she wanted the original to stand next to her and has said that I am now bridesmaid. She feels that when I brought up the comment from the shower I was looking for drama.
Not 5 minutes later I got another text asking if I could pick up the bridesmaid dresses and then deliver it to the now ‘new’ Maid/Matron of Honor. Said no- I had a date night with Mr. BeezWaxx and didn’t have time to drive out to her house. I did pick up mine tho.
Looking forward to throwing ideas at you ladies for my wedding!
Post # 9
BeezWaxx: Well done for refusing! I suggest you refuse to do anything more except be at the rehearsal and wedding. Whether that’s because you “have a date”, or you’d rather be more upfront and say you won’t do it without a proper apology, is up to you.
Post # 10
BeezWaxx: Ugh. After reading your update I would just drop out of the wedding. She shouldn’t treat you like a placeholder.
Post # 11
BeezWaxx: that is fucked up. Good on you for standing your ground. I chose all of my bridal party for my special, personal relationship to them. I do not expect any of them to do more than is comfortable because life is too short for drama and resentment.
I’m sorry to say that your friend the bride was tactless by calling you the filler moh. cliche, but don’t make anyone a priority who considers you an option.
Post # 12
BeezWaxx: I would say drop out like others have suggested, but I know if it was me, I couldn’t do it. But good for you for not being her errand girl. Keep that up! And I would think long and hard about asking her to be part of your wedding party.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Wow, that girl is a bitch. There’s no way I’d ask her to be in my wedding, and I’d consider dropping out of hers as well.
1. She used you for party planning
2. She belittled you publicly
3. She dismissed your concerns and “demoted” you so she could have her “real” Maid/Matron of Honor stand up
4. She called you “dramatic” (very passive aggressive)
5. She STILL is trying to use you as an errand boy
This girl does not sound like a friend at all, but only you know if she’s worth all of this.
Post # 14
What a b! So glad you said no.
Post # 15
BeezWaxx: Wow my blood is boiling for you! I’m so sorry she used you like that. Really though all the things you are helping her with sound like things she should be doing picking up stuff for her and all.
Good for you for standing up an not being her gofor and getting all the other girls dresses! Hopefully she’ll show som real appreciation for all you’ve done for her.
Enjoy planning your wedding!