(Closed) backwards, everything is out of order!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 3
    Member
    1432 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I can understand the anxiety about things feeling out-of-order like this, and I’m sorry you have to experience it.

    I have to ask though, is there any way you can move in with him without getting married first?  I understand you wouldn’t have his family’s blessing, but really it comes down to your relationship with your boyfriend.  If you’re both willing to live with each other before marriage, then truthfully, his family’s opinion shouldn’t matter.

    I was raised Catholic and my parents are very traditional, but I knew that a major step in my relationship with my SO was that I would live with him before marriage.  We were both willing and happy to do that, because we knew we’d get married eventually.

    I’m just wondering about your thoughts on this…

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    296 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Hey I HAVE been married to my Military man for ALMOST 5 years, we did the COURTHOUSE wedding, Now this summer we are having the big celebration. at my courthouse wedding I had a small ring that wasn’t significant at all, I bought it off an INSPIRED sight. He always said he would fix it by doing everything right, and I knew he would, he is good with promises. Last Christmas he proposed with the RING of my DREAMS! It was perfect. When I talk to wedding vendors, I usually tell them up front on how everything happened! And of course our friends are always like wait your married, but you just got ENGAGED? huh? Its alright, everything will work out. If you need someone to talk to about military life, I have become a PRO on everything!!! 4 States in 5 years….:)

    Post # 5
    Member
    223 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    My brother was in a similar situation with the military.  He met and fell in love with a wonderful woman (also in the military). They talked about getting married and were both on the same page…unfortunately, he was due to re-station 8 whole months before she was…and unless they were married, there was no way he could extend or she could leave early…nor was the military willing to do anything to make sure they got stationed together UNLESS they were married. They both have big families and wanted a great ceremony, but for the sake of being together, they just did a courthouse wedding.  (He did go out and buy her a ring and surprise her with a proposal though). Sure, they were both bummed to not get a big family affair, BUT they are TOGETHER (both still stationed in Japan) and will BOTH move back to the US TOGETHER and be able to have a family wedding. This was just a reasonable option since not much family would be flying all the way to Okinawa to attend their wedding. 

    Nothing I say is going to make you feel better, but I hope my brother’s story can help put things in perspective.  Also keep in mind that once married, you’ll be considered his dependent, with full health insurance benefits AND his off-base housing stipend gets bumped a significant amount (not that those are REASONS to get married, but are definite BENEFITS of being married)

    @msgolightly: I believe that she CAN go with him, but she would have to rent a place solo because girlfriends are not allowed to live with them in the barracks and her boyfriend can’t get housed outside the barracks unless married.

    Post # 8
    Member
    927 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    i understand whre you are coming from my cousin  was in the same situation. you just got to remember that its all worth it in the end and if nothing else it will make a good story to tell your kids somday about how you couldnt wait to get married because you loved each other so much! i know its really stressful and you may feel kinda rushed(spent many hours on the phone with my cousin when she was having these feelings) but when you get to have the big wedding ceremony and reception it will be that much more special

    Post # 9
    Member
    1730 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I don’t see you doing anyhting out of order – in the 1940s, plenty of happy marraiges started with a whirlwind down to the courthouse before being sepereated by duty, and happy celebreations were planned for when the couple was free to come back state-side.  Your vows won’t matter any less if the wedding is quick and small, and I’m sure you’d both be happier knowing that you were both under the umblrella of the military, and that as his wife you will not be left out in the cold wiating to hear from him, living apart from him, or being denied access to him in medical or any other situtaions – Plan a nice ceremony for your “real” anniversary, but don’t feel bad about getting married at the couthouse first.  (I had some friends, not military, but her family was predominantly from another country.  They got married at the courthouse in the states to make it “official”, and then had the big ceremony across the border to be able to inlcude the family without passport issues.  As long as you both want this and say, “I do,” there is no wrong way to do it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 10
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    My boyfriend and I are going to have to do a quick & dirty courthouse wedding, too, for immigration purposes. It stinks but I’m considering it more of a legal thing and planning our big wedding bash to be the real thing & that is the one I am getting excited about and I tihnk will feel more real and special.

    Post # 11
    Member
    7300 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I have a friend that had to do this. He was being stationed in Japan for 2 years and she couldn’t live with him unless they married first. So they had the legal ceremony and then had their religious ceremony when they got back to the states.

    Post # 12
    Member
    332 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    PenguinGuy is a very old fashioned gentleman. I love that about him because I too tend to be traditional as well. However, he told me that he would propose to me under very certain conditions.

    1. He had the ring HE had picked out. I got no say as it was a reflection of his love for me.

    2. He had spoke with my father, in person, to ask for my hand in marriage.

    Well, he deployed before he could speak to my dad or buy a ring. During deployment I moved over 1000 miles to live with him (he was authorized off base housing despite being single), we set a date, I bought a dress, and moved forward with our wedding. About 4 months after he got back we were married in a full church ceremony where I grew up. To this day he still has not bought me an engagement ring nor has he asked my father for my hand in marriage. In retrospect, part of me wishes we could have just done a small courthouse wedding instead of the giant event that my mother planned.

    As women we are taught from a very young age what a perfect dream relationship/wedding is like. It is the man getting down on bended knee with a giant diamond ring and proposing after a fancy meal and a bottle of champagne. The wedding involves fluffy white dresses, bridesmaids in matching gowns, the man waiting at the altar in a tux, a father walking his daughter down the aisle and a giant party with gifts, and food, and wine flowing freely.

    Reality is not like that, especially any reality that involves the military. Do what every great military spouse and spouse-to-be does when something is upsetting them: Take today to be a right baby about it, cry, whine, complain, punch pillows, do whatever needs to be done and tomorrow remember that you really are marrying the man ofyour dreams. If next week you feel the need to have another day of whining, crying, and ice cream? Do it. Call it a mental health day. Eventually you will find that those days become fewer and fewer as you focus on the love you have for each other.

    Heck, I have been crying over no engagment ring for a year now but it bothers me a lot less when I give myself permission to be upset about it. Don’t be so hard on  yourself.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    397 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    a MILLION (((hugs)))!!  Smile

    Post # 15
    Member
    565 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    my Darling Husband and i are both active duty military, and we did this.  we had a courthouse wedding b/c we wanted to be together first (we were at different bases) so we wanted to get stationed together.  we’re doing the family and friends wedding on janurary 29th this year (three days before our 1 year anniversy)  it works for us, and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing it this way

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